Screams From The Sucking Black Hole
My baby sister's granddaughter was hit by a car while disembarking from a city bus on her way to work. She has been in a coma for a week now. My relationship with baby sister and her daughter threatened me with lawsuits for not allowing this troubled 14 year old child run my household. At least I think they threatened me with lawsuits amid the tumultuous weeks they spent in my household. For certain, the teenager did. Mother was seldom in attendance, so there wasnae allot of opportunity for us to discuss the fine points of what was what in these confusions. When this child began her welfare career while my youngest son of the same age was still in HS, I was still awaiting clarity on WTF happened in my living room. I'm still waiting. Nothing new. This was mid 90's, nearly 20 years after the "Therapy Funeral" which officially marked the beginning of the estrangement from my birth family. Baby Sis, precisely 10 years younger than I, was 12 years old at that "Funeral" and was already a prominent figure in the guilt complex which had been eating me alive since I fled to the big city throw-away kid camps in 1971. All 6 of my younger siblings were prominent figures in that complex weave. The only time I ever met this great-niece, she was 2 years old and wearing a diaper you could smell from outside the house.
Processing. . .
For what am I grieving?
Sorting. . .
Replies
I'm so sorry for your pain and confusion and disharmony Arfie. This is all so complex for you.
Do you think within your grieving now there might also be grieving that you cannot connect to because it happened when you were so young? I ask for myself too because in the past I have received sudden unexpected messages from a family member and my eyes would surge with a flow of tears with no connection to a thought. I find I cannot process or sort most of my life because I was too young to understand. And sorting complex PTSD feels like counting every drop of water in the ocean.
Even with my last trigger response I was heavily grieving things I couldn't totally understand but I do think these moments can be "breakthroughs" releasing emotions we might be holding in our bodies... what do you think?
I admire your commitment to this journey - breathing with you too and sending loving light your way today. So you can step out of the black hole again, when you're ready. Lots of love.
I can only begin to imagine how you must feel. That is so sad. I am sending you hugs and guidance to be able to move on and take care of you.
I have zero doubt that is the case, Consci. I was dx'ed with "Trauma Induced Amnesia" in 1974. Somewhere in the mid to late 80's I began to understand why all those psycho quacks kept saying, "Amnesia" like it was a bad thing. I didn't remember my childhood but I still knew my birth family well enough to be convinced some things are worth forgetting.
Fast forward a few more decades and new memories/psychoses(pl) continue to emerge with the ongoing challenge that few of my childhood memories can be neither confirmed nor denied. "Counting every drop of water in the ocean" could be a workable analogy, especially during tragic trigger episodes..
For what it's worth
"The Sucking Black Hole" is what I call the massive and still infected wound of family estrangement. I don't live there, but it sucks like an astronomical Black Hole. For the non-science-geeks, I more often compare family estrangement to the phantom limb syndrome. However justified the amputation, the body will miss the amputated limb until the amputee dies.
Commitment to the journey? I'm just looking for serenity while I play the hand Life dealt me. I keep calling for re-deals, but those don't seem to be an option in the Cosmic Casino.
Methinks you can imagine better than most, Gran. Just guessing. . .