scratching my head at the end of the day
I was feeling pretty pleased with myself for what I wrote earlier today.
Then as the day progressed and fatigue started to cover my mind with darkness
and the messengers that I was sending out because of the exhaustion had me fumbling with the service
I was leading and hearing the judgement of the monastics coming back at me.
That isn't what's bothering me so much, after all tomorrow things will change and it
will be a new opportunity to get it right.
But I guess what is in my craw (I've never said that LOL) is that I think I got to a place
where I thought I was smart and really the fatigue and the desolation at the end of the day
had me revisit those remarks I made online and think - how dumb are you, Mark!?
I am in my room and the world seems too large to fathom - too vast - no direction to clearly
go in for myself - but I know I have to be self responsible. We each need to seek out
solace and affirmation - does everyone need it? So one things lead to another - I tried to light
a candle but the wick is too short, I reached to the Abbess and heard her musings about how she sought out support
and hope from the almighty, I got a drink of water and I'm just trying to take it one step
at a time. I feel like I am living a fantasy life here at the monastery- very much 'in my head' - avoiding living
a life of reality? Whose to say what reality is?! I don't know. I have the luxury here to think about things
and to come from a place of mental and emotional strength and wisdom when dealing in relationships. Partly it is because
finances are something that are not so much a part of my life. I live a kind of non-finances life..
I'm living with the riches of life in a way.
I suppose all this stuff is me just dealing with the dissapointment in myself for getting to a place of blindness
about my life. I feel humiliated and at a loss but I've gotta just pick myself up and go for it once
again. I'll turn on the PBS online. MPT (Maryland Public Television.)
Have a good night you guys!!
Replies
I hear ya. I spent most of my life seeking solace and affirmation from the world around me but then one day I came to the realization that I was looking for something from others, that I was unwilling to give myself! Everything shifted when I had that revelation.
God Bless
I agree with Bob, I had to let go of the 'outside' and renew from "inside". Here's to you, and keep grace, because you are working with the word in the moment so sometimes it's going to be unexpected and unusual change from the heart...
Thanks you two (hug)
Sending hugs, Markus.
sounds like a H.A.L.T. moment to me. i dissolve many of my "dark" (blindingly bright?) thoughts by checking to see if i am
H ungry
A ngry
L onely or
T ired.
any one of those 4 conditions can cause intrusive thoughts. in my own case, they are my most frequent and most easily addressed causes of intrusive (blindingly bright) thoughts.
i believe your lead in for this entry announced you were tired. hope you rested well last night.
Thanks very much Arfie!! I wish these HALT detours could be constructive and get me along a good path, but I love all of you, so I am grateful for that!
Thanks Nikki!!!
my H.A.L.T. detours are always far more constructive than the intrusive thoughts which are bright enough to blind a light metaphorist. taking the time to remedy hunger, anger, loneliness and exhaustion has led me to far more fruitful ventures than questioning the purpose of my existence, etc. proof available.
Thanks Arfie!