scared....continued

i'm at a point where i'm seriously terrified that my life may be in danger.  the last time i had dreams like this was when i was with isaac. i remember back in 01 i had a dream i was already dead.  i was a skeleton with a bunch of other skeletons in a group following someone else.i have no idea what's going on.  i had a dream last night that i was running away from a killer.  this killer found me everywhere i went but i was already gone.  he kept harrassing me on the phone and antagonizing me.  i stood up for myself but was petrified.  oddly enough isaac was in jail for 2 months and now is out.  the same day he was released was the day my apt was broken into.  but my gut instinct is telling me that a guy i know from work is the one who did it.  the things i've been doing lately i'm scaring myself even.  i hardly ever get scared fromtaking risks.  i've been lost again.  trying to find love when all i find is nothing.  i need to quit looking.  i've been doing the same things i used to do when i was in high school such as being promiscuous.  i hope i dont end up buried in the west mesa.  sometimes i feel as if itsnot even worth trying anymore.  i'm behind on my bills barely making it through the skin of my teeth.  i feel like i dont have a purpose anymore. i know i'm super depressed but am trying to hide behind a mask as always.  i fear that i should take my own life first before someone else does because i'm too trusting and gullible.  i'm tired of trying.  i cant do this anymore.  i'm keeping secrets from my parents, not telling them about the burglary or quitting the best job i ever had cuz i couldnt get any hours.  i hate keeping things from them like this.