Scared and Tired

I am writing this on very little sleep as every time I woke up last night I had trouble getting back to sleep.  Plus I get up around five to babysit my niece so it makes for a long day.  I am trying to keep my freak out low key because my kids to do need to be traumatized by their mom freaking out.  

I mainly use this journal to record my health worries.  This serves two purposes.  One: just writing about it gives a bit of relief.  I can be totally honest about all the worst case scenarios that go through my head.  Because although I share some of my worries with my partner I tend to edit the worst of it.  Two: it helps me remember conditions and feelings I've had before and that can give me comfort in the future that I've been through a lot in the past and have survived.  

So my current worry is a hard painless lump  I found on the side of my neck below my ear near my jaw. Now I thought I first felt it nov of last year but when I checked a few days later I couldn't feel it so I thought it was all in my head or me making a mountain out of a molehill which let's face it  I have been known to do.  I felt it again a couple of months ago but at that time I thought it was a knot in the muscle and so I massage it and it seemed to go away.  Now though I think because it is near my neck muscle that depending on how my head is turned it can be hard to feel thanks to the muscle getting in the way.  

Now I am freaking out because if I did feel it last nov then it has been  around awhile and that's probably not good.  Because when I looked up hard painless lump/nodule on neck one of the possibilities was a lymph node.  Which we all know is bad.  Now I don't know for sure it is a lymph node but it is small oval and near a spot where one would be.  (At least I think so I am only going by diagrams I found on the internet.)  Every article I've read says to see a doctor to make sure it isn't something serious like my biggest fear c.  Now it doesn't have to be c but it could be which is all I really need to freak out. Because we have all heard c stories where it was first found because of a lymph node.  

And since I still have the background worry about my breast pain I can't help thinking it might be related to that in the worst way.  Plus my ongoing fatigue that I went to the doctor for back in January isn't any better so now I can't help attributing that as well to my biggest fear.  

I spiraled pretty bad last night which is another reason I couldn't sleep.  I kept dwelling on the worse case scenario and how it would effect my kids and how devastated they would be.  I hate it when I do that it is such an awful feeling and not helpful at all.  I tried praying but that didn't help too much which then made me feel worse because I felt guilty I wasn't better Christian.  God is in charge of all of this so I need to rely on him for all things.  

It doesn't help that my husband changed jobs and the new health insurance we have doesn't cover our old doctors so I have to find all new ones.  I hate finding new doctors because walking in you don't know if they are any good or not.  So going to a new doctor with such an anxiety inducing problem only makes my anxiety worse.  Plus the kids don't go back to school until the August but I don't want to wait that long so I will have to have my sister watch them which will involve explanations I don't want to give.  Why worry your loved ones if you don't have to?  But like I said I don't want to wait until the kids go back to school because with covid-19 on the rise again there is no guarantee that they won't close the schools again and have them do distance learning instead.  

So my plan is to call today and get an appointment as early next week as possible as it is already Friday.  I am hoping for Monday morning but that is probably wishful thinking in my part.  I can't on Tuesday or Wednesday so if they don't have Monday then I would have to wait till Thursday.  Although they could be so busy they might not have anything available even next week but I shouldn't borrow trouble.  I will update later with my appointment time.  

Update:  Well apparently my wanting a doctor's appointment anytime soon was a fool's errand.  I am so completely dispondent about this.  The soonest they had was two weeks away.  I took it but that is so not what I needed to hear.  I am already convinced that the lump is something bad, stewing about it for the next two weeks is so not what I needed.  I did ask them to put me on a list for them to call if they get a cancelation.  I am deeply filled with regret that I wasn't more vigilant earlier this year when I still had my other insurance and could see my normal doctor.  If only I had noticed it sooner.  But this year has been so chaulked full of upsetting situations and my days haven't been my own for so long, it was difficult to think clearly.  I desperately need God's help, to heal me and see me through this.