scared
Today I am just plain scared.
I'm afraid that I will never feel whole, or good, or anything positive again. That my life is just going to be miserable from here on. That I'm becoming so dysfunctional that I won't be able to hold my job. If I lose my job, then what am I going to do?
I can't concentrate for any period of time. I blow up at people for minor reasons or no particular reason at all. Or maybe just because they seem happy and I'm not. Last night around 2 a.m. I threw a glass against my bedroom wall, I was just so angry and frustrated. Wish I could do more of that, but living in an apartment doesn't lend itself well to that behavior.
My apartment is a mess. Things just stay where I drop them (for example, the broken glass is still on the floor--it's in the corner behind the tv so I'm not worried about stepping on it). The other day I took a trash bag and went through the whole apartment and threw out anything that was garbage. Filled the whole 13 gal bag, and I gave the place a decent cleaning less than 2 weeks ago.
I'm not sure when I brushed my teeth last. Sometimes I remember. Sometimes I remember and am too tired to care. Sometimes I swish around some Listerine and call it a day. I hate taking showers for some reason. I don't know what that's about. It's something I have to make myself do every 2-3 days and I get it over with as quickly as possible. I have a sore throat today--I think I'm getting my granddaughter's cold. I feel miserable enough, do I need to be sick on top of that? I can't sleep as it is.
I wake up in the middle of the night panicked that I won't get back to sleep. Then, of course, I don't go back to sleep because I'm worrying about it. I fall asleep mid-afternoon when I should be working. I was going to "let" myself take a nap--set the alarm for 20 mins. Turned off the alarm when it went off and slept for another hour. How am I going to hold down my job? I don't even want to think about work. Who cares about any of that stuff?
I'm just so tired. It's 9:30. I fell asleep around 1:30 and woke up around 5. Right now I just want to go to sleep. I don't want to be an adult. I don't want to do this! Any of it! I want my old life back.
I want Leslie back. I want her to come over on her days off and take the dog for long walks. I want to go out for Chinese with her. I want to hear her stories about her crazy customers and co-workers. I want her to text me pics of butterflies or her cats. I want to see what color her hair is this week. I want to talk to her about my hurt. She's the one who always understood.
Replies
Sue, you are doing what you can and that's all you can ask. There have been two deaths so to speak, Leslie's and you. The old you will never be the same and the "new normal" that is spoken of is exactly that. A new kind of normal over time begins to slowly creep in and yes, it's never, ever the same and nothing can ever fill that gigantic Leslie size hole in your heart. Nothing! We can run around trying to fill it and many of us do with busyness and all kinds of other things, yet at the end of the day, nothing will ever fill that gapping hole that our children have left, nothing.
The amount of energy that grieving takes is off the charts and even the smallest of tasks are so very daunting and draining. I remember feeling as if I was running a marathon that had no finish line and in many ways this does become our path. There is no finish line, yet somehow over time as many have said each of us in our own ways learn how to carry our loss. It never becomes "better" it just becomes "different" over time. I remember wanting to scream when the moms who are a few steps further down the path said this to me, yet they did and they were right. It is what happened even though I never could believe that it would for me, it did and it will for you as well. Yet, right now, today, you are feeling what you need to and getting the anger out is vital. I remember crying and screaming in my car, sobbing in the shower, whatever it takes get the anger out safely and without harming yourself or anyone else. Some of us have purchased cheap sets of dishes at the Goodwill and found a place where we can smash them to bits, another purchased a bag full of stuffed animals and tore the stuffing out of all of them. Whatever it takes keep getting it out and allowing it expression as you did with that glass that you threw against your bedroom wall.
I know you want Leslie back as I want my Douglas back. This is a heartache beyond words and just so surreal in many ways. Keep trying to listen to what your body needs, whether it's water, some nourishment, rest, a walk, to be soaked in a tub. Just keep listening and following those nudges.
Loving care dear Sue, forever mom of Leslie.
XO Joanie
Hello Sue,
This journey is so, so difficult. Not only do we moms grieve for our children, we must grieve the life we once had; the life we had before our dear child passed.
When Eddie first passed away I would set a little goal for myself each day. At first it was just to take a shower, or brush my teeth or get dressed. Then it was to make the bed. There were days I mastered a goal and that alone was empowering. There were also days that I was unable to get out if bed. The day after Eddie's wake was one. That day the finality really hit me. On the days I didn't make my goals I said to myself, so be it. I gave myself permission to do what was needed on those days.
As Joanie said, the amount of energy grieving takes is indeed off the charts. Take the best care of yourself that you can. Eat as healthfully as you can, stay hydrated (so important), rest when you can. For me. I began to write in a paper journal, writing my feelings out, letters to Ed, letters to God. Then I found FMO and my sisters here gave me hope. I also watched a lot of silly TV when I needed an escape from my reality. I read many books on grief. Two grief books that helped me in the early weeks are "Seven Choices", unfortunately I don't remember the author and "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Rabbi Harold Kushner; his child passed away at 13 from Progeria. A book I read later on in my grief that was a huge help is "Permission to Mourn: A New Way to Do Grief" by Tom Zuba. He has survived the passing of two of his children and his wife, yet learned to not only survive but to thrive despite what had happened to him. One of the moms who used to be part of FMO, her 2 young children and her husband passed in a car accident, recently wrote a book, "Bereaved Mom and Widow at 28" by Tammi (pen name) sister in Christ. All the above mentioned books are available on Amazon & quite inexpensive. I also had a light hearted book to read when I needed a break from the grief work. I was blessed to find a wonderful grief counselor who taught me to "embrace the signs" when Ed sends them.
As far as work, I went back about 3 weeks after Eddie passed. I was pretty useless at first but then work began to be therapeutic. I can imagine that working from home would be more challenging. You are doing the best you can, remember that.
You will always long for your dear Leslie's physical presence but I promise you, the pain does lighten and become more manageable.
Gentle hugs one mom to another, Linda
Part of me knows this. I've read, been online. But somehow it doesn't seem real. Doesn't seem like it should apply to ME.
Something I've been thinking about a lot lately. About 25 years ago a close friend's 31-year-old brother died suddenly. Big, athletic guy--never would have thought he had a defective heart valve which gave out while playing basketball one evening.
I went to the viewing and my friend was standing with her mom--I went over to extend my condolences. Mom took both my hands in hers, looked right in my eyes and said "You understand. You're a mother, too".
That just always stayed with me. Especially now--I can see and hear it like it was yesterday. I mentioned that to my friend recently, and she remembers that too. She said her mom was kind of in a fog most of the time at that point, so that moment of clarity stood out.
If I didn't understand then, I guess I will now.
The other day I drove past an artist supply store in town. Every year they have a fundraiser for the local animal shelter--people donate their artworks and they are sold by silent auction, the proceeds going to the shelter. Last year Leslie donated a sketch she did of a baby platypus swimming. It was adorable and it did sell. When I drove by yesterday I saw that they were advertising this year's auction--it's on Leslie's birthday. For some reason that made me so angry. Part of me wanted to go in there and yell at the people. It was like "How dare you do that on Leslie's birthday!" It made absolutely no sense--Leslie wouldn't have cared it was on her birthday. She had gotten her cat from that shelter! In fact one of her final requests was to suggest donations in her memory to that same shelter! I have no idea why that upset me so much. It just did.
Such a strange world now.
Thanks for the suggestions. I read "When Bad Things...." after my husband passed away in 2007. Guess it's time to get a new copy.
Hi Sue, I had read it prior to Ed's passing but I reread it after Eddie passed. I have a wonderful sign sent from God & my son regarding that book. A week or so after Ed passed I was talking with my sister in law & telling her I needed to get a copy of that very book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People," & she said "Wait, I think I have that book at the top of the cellar stairs. The name sounds familiar. I haven't read it, don't even know where I got." Low & behold, that very book was sitting on the top step. The irony is that my husband & his whole side of the family, don't like to read. They just don't buy books or go to the library. Reading is not something they enjoy. I feel like God and my son sent that book to me that day. ♡
The little things made me angry. I was confused (and angry) that life just went on. I remember screaming in the shower when Ed died, wondering how all the world still went on and I screamed, "Don't they know Eddie DIED?" I was just so angry. My world had imploded. I understand completely. ♡
I read everything I could get my hands on even if just a page at a time. Our our website: www.formomsonly.org under our "More" tab there are some good recommended resources. "Going On" by Gari Brindle one of our FMO mom's is something I wish I had in my hands those first days, week and months. I believe I shared this with you before, yet if you have not had a chance to look at it please do. It's not even a book that you have to order as she wanted it in the hands of everyone and you can download it to read as you are able.
Thanks, Joanie--you did mention that. Sometimes I remember things.... I was supposed to pick up the dog from the sitter tonight. Completely forgot about it. Fortunately, his sitter has been a blessing through all this. Once I told her about Leslie's illness she offered to keep him free of charge for as long as I needed. Part of me is wondering if I want Sawyer back. He was more Les' dog than mine--he's a handful for me. Maybe I'm forgetting him on purpose.