Say Something
The song "say something" by A Great Big World has had some sort of connection with me and Brad since everything happened. But I couldn't quite place why or what it was, until tonight. And I guess the best way to describe it is going verse by verse and what plays through my head. So here it goes...
Say something, I'm giving up on you I'll be the one, if you want me toAnywhere I would've followed you Say something, I'm giving up on you
Brad always asked if he moved out of state if I would go with him. The answer was always yes, as scary as leaving the state where my mom lives was. We talked about moving to Texas at one point, San Antonio because we absolutely fell in love with it when we went. And in the last few months before his passing we were looking at places in Hawaii (which is where he grew up). There was never any doubt in my mind that I would following him anywhere.
And I am feeling so smallIt was over my headI know nothing at all
The night he passed while the emergency crews were at our house I mentally checked out, I didn't know what to do or what was going on because I couldn't stay in there and watch them work on him.And I willstumbleand fallI'm stilllearningto loveJust starting to crawl
This whole verse says a lot about grief, at least from what I've experienced. I've stumbled through it and fallen flat on my face with it. I'm learning how to love a world that he's no longer apart of. And I'm slowly starting to get myself through it.Say something, I'm giving up on youI'm sorry that I couldn't get to youAnywhere I would've followed youSay something, I'm giving up on you
The scene from when I got home that night plays through my head every time. Me kneeling over him on the bed nudging,then hitting, then shaking him screaming at him to wake up, to say something, to stop messing around because 'its not funny'. I was frantic and did everything I could think of, but I eventually had to give up on him because there was nothing I could do. And I was at the store when it happened, I couldn't get to him because I wasn't there. And the last words he ever spoke (as far as I know) "Your not going to leave me are you?" If I hadn't have left I could have gotten to him faster.And I will swallow my prideYou're the one that I loveAnd I'm saying goodbye
This reminds me of the last time I saw him, at the private viewing we had. And then of the funeral, where I had to say good bye.Say something, I'm giving up on youAnd I'm sorry that I couldn't get to youAnd anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)Say something, I'm giving up on youSay something, I'm giving up on youSay something...
Wow, that was way more emotional than I thought it was going to be. and I'm here all alone, with no one to hug and hold me while I cry. I want to be in his arms, lying on the couch. That was by far my most favorite spot in the whole world. I felt safe and like everything was right in the world. He made me feel safe, I didn't fear much of anything. Now I fear everything. Ugh, I just got done telling my therapist that I was doing so much better. Which I have been. Hopefully this will only be short lived!
Say something, I'm giving up on you I'll be the one, if you want me toAnywhere I would've followed you Say something, I'm giving up on you
Brad always asked if he moved out of state if I would go with him. The answer was always yes, as scary as leaving the state where my mom lives was. We talked about moving to Texas at one point, San Antonio because we absolutely fell in love with it when we went. And in the last few months before his passing we were looking at places in Hawaii (which is where he grew up). There was never any doubt in my mind that I would following him anywhere.
And I am feeling so smallIt was over my headI know nothing at all
The night he passed while the emergency crews were at our house I mentally checked out, I didn't know what to do or what was going on because I couldn't stay in there and watch them work on him.And I willstumbleand fallI'm stilllearningto loveJust starting to crawl
This whole verse says a lot about grief, at least from what I've experienced. I've stumbled through it and fallen flat on my face with it. I'm learning how to love a world that he's no longer apart of. And I'm slowly starting to get myself through it.Say something, I'm giving up on youI'm sorry that I couldn't get to youAnywhere I would've followed youSay something, I'm giving up on you
The scene from when I got home that night plays through my head every time. Me kneeling over him on the bed nudging,then hitting, then shaking him screaming at him to wake up, to say something, to stop messing around because 'its not funny'. I was frantic and did everything I could think of, but I eventually had to give up on him because there was nothing I could do. And I was at the store when it happened, I couldn't get to him because I wasn't there. And the last words he ever spoke (as far as I know) "Your not going to leave me are you?" If I hadn't have left I could have gotten to him faster.And I will swallow my prideYou're the one that I loveAnd I'm saying goodbye
This reminds me of the last time I saw him, at the private viewing we had. And then of the funeral, where I had to say good bye.Say something, I'm giving up on youAnd I'm sorry that I couldn't get to youAnd anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)Say something, I'm giving up on youSay something, I'm giving up on youSay something...
Wow, that was way more emotional than I thought it was going to be. and I'm here all alone, with no one to hug and hold me while I cry. I want to be in his arms, lying on the couch. That was by far my most favorite spot in the whole world. I felt safe and like everything was right in the world. He made me feel safe, I didn't fear much of anything. Now I fear everything. Ugh, I just got done telling my therapist that I was doing so much better. Which I have been. Hopefully this will only be short lived!
Replies
Beautiful!