Saw the Bad Doc today :(
I didn't get to see the good doctor today. I also was depressed, so I forgot to ask about the Depakote level test. He didn't increase it at least. I think I might be able to get another appointment by the end of the month with the good doctor if I get my share of cost met, so I will wait and see. If I do get my share of cost met, then I don't have to worry about paying for the lab tests or anything. Bad doc didn't listen to me really, just asked me how I was feeling. I said I was depressed, so he increased my antidepressant. He didn't ask me if I'm in therapy for it, how I'm doing in general with things, just what he needs to know to write out that paper and that's it. I feel so disconnected from him it's not funny. Dr. Miller listens to me, makes jokes, and just makes me feel like I'm more than a piece of paper that needs to be written out. Bad doc just wants me out of his office, or that's how I feel.
I was mood swinging again today. I told Geo that I was, and that I was mad when I was at the doctor's office and he said that's not a mood swing, that's natural lol (he knows how bad that doc is). But my moods have been up and down a bit. Not as bad as yesterday, I don't want to scream, but I don't feel right. I just want to go to sleep. I have to wake up early tomorrow, so I'm going to be headed to bed as soon as this is done (and if that baby next door stops screaming) so I can get my rest. I didn't take a nap today, but I sure wanted to. I didn't do much today, just woke up, saw the doctor, came home and made dinner and I'm back on the computer. I've been spending my time on the support groups like Daily Strength and Spark People, but I feel like my time is wasted. I just feel worthless, I guess. My weight loss buddy lost 10 pounds last month and qualifies for her gastric bypass surgery and she says it's thanks to my help, but I don't see what I do for her.
This is the depression talking. I know it's the depression, but I don't know how to get rid of it. I was talking to my boss today saying I felt a bit down because it's that time of year for me, and she gave me some platitudes about feeling better, nothing really concrete that I haven't tried before. People seem to confuse depression and sadness. Like if I smile for just a minute when I'm sad, that could mean I'm on my way to feeling better. When I smile when I'm depressed, it just means that I'm smiling for that one second and then I'm going to go back into the black hole as soon as it's gone from my face. I have to give her credit for trying, though... it's more than most people do. Most people just look down and say they are sorry I'm not feeling well and so on.
I ate okay... I'm low on my calories again, but I can't force any more food down my throat. I was better with water today.. I got about 7 cups in and I'm going to drink more when I take my pills, so that's covered. I'm kinda thirsty now, but I don't have any water by my side and I'm in too much pain to get up and get more right now. I will when it's time for me to take my pills, since I need to take them with water. I strained my left calf the other day doing my exercises and now it hurts to get out of bed because my calf is cold and it needs to be walked before it starts to feel better. But as soon as I get back into bed, it gets cold again and if I move it, it hurts. My stomach is also hurting since I did some stomach exercises the other day too, and it hurts to move my core. I just hope that I can stop being so sore soon and I can get back to feeling better. It sucks to be hurting and depressed. I wanted to be sore from exercise, so I got my wish... I just wish I wasn't -so- sore lol. I can't have it all.
I was mood swinging again today. I told Geo that I was, and that I was mad when I was at the doctor's office and he said that's not a mood swing, that's natural lol (he knows how bad that doc is). But my moods have been up and down a bit. Not as bad as yesterday, I don't want to scream, but I don't feel right. I just want to go to sleep. I have to wake up early tomorrow, so I'm going to be headed to bed as soon as this is done (and if that baby next door stops screaming) so I can get my rest. I didn't take a nap today, but I sure wanted to. I didn't do much today, just woke up, saw the doctor, came home and made dinner and I'm back on the computer. I've been spending my time on the support groups like Daily Strength and Spark People, but I feel like my time is wasted. I just feel worthless, I guess. My weight loss buddy lost 10 pounds last month and qualifies for her gastric bypass surgery and she says it's thanks to my help, but I don't see what I do for her.
This is the depression talking. I know it's the depression, but I don't know how to get rid of it. I was talking to my boss today saying I felt a bit down because it's that time of year for me, and she gave me some platitudes about feeling better, nothing really concrete that I haven't tried before. People seem to confuse depression and sadness. Like if I smile for just a minute when I'm sad, that could mean I'm on my way to feeling better. When I smile when I'm depressed, it just means that I'm smiling for that one second and then I'm going to go back into the black hole as soon as it's gone from my face. I have to give her credit for trying, though... it's more than most people do. Most people just look down and say they are sorry I'm not feeling well and so on.
I ate okay... I'm low on my calories again, but I can't force any more food down my throat. I was better with water today.. I got about 7 cups in and I'm going to drink more when I take my pills, so that's covered. I'm kinda thirsty now, but I don't have any water by my side and I'm in too much pain to get up and get more right now. I will when it's time for me to take my pills, since I need to take them with water. I strained my left calf the other day doing my exercises and now it hurts to get out of bed because my calf is cold and it needs to be walked before it starts to feel better. But as soon as I get back into bed, it gets cold again and if I move it, it hurts. My stomach is also hurting since I did some stomach exercises the other day too, and it hurts to move my core. I just hope that I can stop being so sore soon and I can get back to feeling better. It sucks to be hurting and depressed. I wanted to be sore from exercise, so I got my wish... I just wish I wasn't -so- sore lol. I can't have it all.
Replies
larissa, many hugs to you, i wish i was there to give you a real one. concerning that doctor, i never had a psy. who asked me anything about how i was doing other then the normal qiestions and 1 who never even in the beginning tested me when put on lithium and depakote, and i overdosed. i finally found my savior, as i call him, about 18 yrs ago, omg, so long, and he said to me that he will take me on as a patient ONLY if i do therapy with him also. wow what a change and i am blessed to have found him. is thier any way you can get in before another month with the good doctor, and maybe set up a payment plan seeing as the money isnt there right now. you really need to talk to someone who cares and will listen and will take a blood test. give yourself a lot of credit, you have been trying so hard, keeping on the meal plan as much as possible, exercising, my stomach gets sore too, and sometimes i am sore and physically tired after nia. have you tried a heating pad on your calf? do you warm up and stretch before walking? oh, please take your buddies compliment, as i am sure she meant it, you are a great support and kind person. people truly dont know what to say to other people in so many aspects of life. either it be depression, anxiety, eating disorders, death of a loved one etc... sometimes things come out that arent right but i think they dont understand and dont know what to say, esp. if they have never walked in your shoes. as you said, she did ask and seemed concerned and didnt brush you off, and yes i do think its the depression, not being able to accept or believe kind words. i hope today is a better day for you, many hugss and sorry fior the short novel lol
I hate it when I go to the doctor and he just pushes me out the door with a peice of paper and doesn\'t really listen to what I said or take the time to hear my needs. They to often treat you like a number, just another body to be ran throgh the line in their day so they can say they met their quota for the day. so unfair. I am sorry you are not doing so well any more and hope you get back to doing better soon. It would be nice if you could see the nice doctor later this month, I hope you can.
i am sorry you are depressed. i am dealing with that also.. you are not alone... i hate doctors who do that also.. it really sucks. cant you request the doctor you want to see?i am proud of you for dieting and excersing.. hugs ..marie
Oh boy i understand that.. there are doctors that do their job just to do it and other who have it as a profession.. they are really truly interested in their patients. I\'m surprised the bad dr. didnt\' ask if yo were in therapy.
How do you like Sparks People?
It\'s great that she feels you helped her. sometimes just talking with someone and being there for them is a very big help . good for you.
Good for you for doing your exercise. Now take care of your sore body.