Saw My Therapist

Today I went and saw my therapist. It went good... we talked about forgiveness like I wanted to. She said it's something that you have to verbalize and say over and over until you believe it, and then write the person a letter saying you forgive them. I don't know if that's going to work for me, but I can try. I told her I was going to try, and I will. She said I have to write things out to make it better. I don't know if I can let go of the pain, though. I'm scared that my stepbrother will laugh, make a joke out of it or totally ignore and deny it. She told me not to worry about how he takes it, that part is part of his therapy and not mine. My therapy is to just forgive him and write the letter. I would start the letter off with telling him I forgive him, then go into all the horrible things that he did to me, and then tell him I wish him well. I don't know if I could ever do that and mean it. I have forgiven people for hurting me, but I really feel like he doesn't care and will never care how he hurt me. That, or he will take pride that he can still hurt me.
The thing is, if I forgive him, I have to give up the hurt inside that he caused. I can still be in emotional pain over it, but I can't feel bad towards him. As it is, I don't think about him a lot, and this only came up because of that movie, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Geo was wondering why I chose to talk about my stepbrother again since I hadn't mentioned him in a while, and then I reminded Geo that I freaked out a bit over that movie. Even though the girl in the movie had to do what was done to me and worse, it still got to me. I think seeing it was the worst part. Geo said he told me not to see that movie, but I don't remember that. He even told me that there was a graphic rape scene, and I forgot that too. If I had known, I don't know if I would have watched the movie or not. At least I was able to watch it alone and fast forward past the rape scene. I don't know if I would have been able to do that if I had watched it with my stepdad. I would like to think he would have let me, but I'm not sure. I didn't want to watch it with him, that's all I know.
My mood today was good overall. It was a tough therapy session, with my homework is to try and forgive my stepbrother, but I don't know how good I'm going to be at that. I have to say over and over “Tony, I forgive you and I wish you well”. It seems like a waste of breath, since I don't think that it's going to make any difference. I don't feel like he is worth my breath, worth my forgiveness. But I have to forgive him for myself, to set myself free. I think I wrote a poem to him once, but I never looked at it again. It hurt too bad to look back on it. I wrote it because I was numb and so I had to take the most traumatic thing that had happened to me and addressed it so I could feel again. Well, I don't know if it worked or not. I can feel again, obviously, but I don't know if it was the poem or not. I don't know if I expressed how violated it made me feel, how guilty I felt and how they laughed at me afterward. I know it all has to be addressed in the letter.
Sleep last night was okay... I forgot to take my pills somehow. I think I just fell asleep to fast and didn't remember to take them. I slept fine, and didn't even notice that I hadn't taken them until this morning when I went to go take my morning pills and the night ones were there still from last night. I have to make sure tonight I take my pills.... I have to be up for work in the morning. I don't have to be in until noon, but I need my sleep. At least I have leftover soup from last night for breakfast in the morning. I ate both pieces of chicken tonight.
Food today was good... I was within my calorie range. I'm kinda on the higher end, but still in range. That's good, considering I went to Wendy's and had a bunch of food there. I had the Baja salad, a small chili and a broccoli and cheese baked potato. I had some more leftover soup for breakfast today, and I made the chicken thighs stuffed with mozzarella cheese for dinner. I was going to have spaghetti with it, but I was too full from my lunch to want spaghetti. Stress today was moderate... I was uncomfortable in my therapy session talking about things that I would rather let die, but I have to confront these things eventually to get over the past. I can't be stuck in the past, I want to move on. So even though it was stressful, I am trying to overcome. I know I can do it, it's just getting me over the past.