Saturday Morn
Every Friday after work one of my best friends and I usually meet after work - sometimes for a margarita, sometimes ice tea, sometimes coffee....anyway we just talk about our week, thoughts, etc. She has been with me with Jennifer and all that so she's seen the good, bad & ugly....But in saying that sometimes I have such" a veil" over me because when she talks about her kids (college & high school age) I just glaze over and go somewhere else in my mind...if I didn't do that I would just start to cry because in the depths of my soul, I so want what she has.....I want Jennifer back....I want to be a mom in every sense of the word....I want to stop convincing myself that, that hole in my heart can be filled with "other people's kids" or the kids at school....Reality is, nothing can fill that hole, can it? Nothing can take the place of my daughter..I know that but sometimes I get tired of FEELING empty that I try to fill that hole by listening to others and ACTING like it doesn't hurt me.....does this go away? Does this fade in time? Do I even want it to go away? sigh.....sigh......My friend wouldn't hurt me for the world - but unless if someone is where I am, they don't get it do they? Sisters of the heart, I'm grateful for you.
After a rough week at work, I will try to re-group the next 2 days only to start again on Monday. I do see Hunter next week-end so that is definitely the sun in my cloud right now. Thanks for listening....time for another cup of coffee. :) (((((((hugs))))))) Vicki
After a rough week at work, I will try to re-group the next 2 days only to start again on Monday. I do see Hunter next week-end so that is definitely the sun in my cloud right now. Thanks for listening....time for another cup of coffee. :) (((((((hugs))))))) Vicki
Replies
Oh, Vicki, do I ever understand... One of my best high school friends sent the most heartwarming picture of her family to me over Christmas and she was sitting close to her son and it just made me ache inside. How I wished as I looked at that picture that for that moment I could trade places with her. My response to her was what a beautiful family she has and to hug them tightly.
For me the hole will always BE with me, yet the depth of the chasm seems to be changing ever so slowly. I\'m not sure you are trying to actually \"fill it\" yet are learning how to live with it? It can be filled temporarily with busyness, things, people, places to go, yet in the end I believe each of us in our own ways are trying to learn how to co-exist with it.
You have had a rough week and take time to pamper and nurture yourself and yippee about getting to see Hunter! That will be simply wonderful and we all need things to look forward to.
With you and sending lots of loving care dear friend and enjoy that cup of coffee. I know I am... It is still dark here, the stars are out and the roosters beginning to crow. This has always been one of my most favorite times of the morning as it\'s still before everyone and everything wakes up. :)
XO Joanie
Hi Vicki, In my experience, the feelings have become less cutting but will never ever go away. How could they? We have lost our precious daughters. I\'ve had feelings of resentment, envy, anger and pretty much every other negative emotion when friends talk about their kids. When they complain, I have to bite my tongue. I am so tempted to remind them that they have all their kids! they can hug them and talk with them.
You are so right, they just do not understand, and God willing, never will have to experience what we live with every day.
Wishing you a peaceful, healing weekend; and a better week to come!
Love and tight hugs,
Marlene
I have many times glazed over & gone somewhere else in my mind while someone talks about their child/children. Perhaps it\'s kind of like our body\'s survival mode.
It\'s been over 6 yrs that I have been on the journey of loss. I really can\'t explain why, but the pain somewhat fades. It may come back full force at anytime, which can catch us totally off guard. But the extreme hurt is not constant as it is in the beginning. My experience may be different than that of another mom\'s, but at least we understand each other here. We can come here anytime for support, love & compassion.
One of the important things that is helping in my healing, is taking care of myself. Being gentle & forgiving with myself. Self care can be difficult for moms because we are busy caring for our children & others. I even felt guilty at first turning my attention to myself. Now I notice when I am involved in self care that I feel better during those times. You will figure out what works for you, massage, therapy, medication, hot bath, exercise, reading a good book, vacation, nice long walk....enjoying nature.
Hoping this weekend proves to be exactly what you need it to be. Sending lots of hugs to let you know you are so loved & cared about.
Love, Vicki
Hi Vicki,
On Charlie\'s b.day last July I had to go to my aunt\'s funeral. This aunt was my aunt by marriage but I had been pretty close to her. Her nephew (by blood) was there- I knew him, so we were talking. He already knew about Charlie\'s passing. In fact, he\'d lost a child too, a number of years ago, the youngest of his 5 kids. All of a sudden, he starts counting one by one on his fingers & informed that he had 11 grandchildren! It really shocked me when he did that! I wanted to tell him that it was SO unfeeling for him to bring that up!!! It upset me a lot because the loss of Charlie means we\'ll never have any grandkids by him. This still breaks my heart, especially because Charlie was wonderful with children! He would go to his friend\'s children\'s baseball/softball games just to cheer them on. He loved doing that & the kids were so thrilled because of all the support he gave them. He would make signs that said things like \"Go, (team name here\") & single his friend\'s kid out on the back of the sign w/ something like \"Hit a homer, Brad #27\". He\'d just really yell & holler for them & give them coaching pointers, too. Some of the kids didn\'t have dads in the picture & I really think he tried to be there for them, you know?
But I guess that\'s not the point of this note. I was just going to say that I\'m amazed at other people\'s insensitivity! They talk about their family & stuff not realizing how it all sounds to us & how MUCH we\'re affected by it. And they\'re not doing it to be malicious or anything but it can cut like a knife!
I also have trouble w/ ALL the family pics on FB. I have a niece w/ 2 boys of her own. She CONSTANTLY posts pics of them on FB. I can never tell her how it makes me remember that, not so very long ago, I had 2 sons, too. Guess those kinds of things are why I mostly stay away from FB now. Just don\'t wanna be hurt any more.
I understand how you feel when your friend brings up her family all the time. It\'s hard to deal w/ because OUR identity as a mother has taken a major hit. Some of us don\'t even consider themselves TO BE moms any more. That\'s a real issue for some of us now.
We\'ve been through so much already; I really hate that we have to be inflicted with any more pain!
Love & Hugs to you, dear Sister Of The Heart,
Donna
Vicki, I find that I must withdraw at times too from the conversations about children. I am a social worker & work primarily with women who chat incessantly about their children. And its ok. I used to be one of them. But no longer...you and I have a child in Heaven but there is no more chatting about plans for mother\'s day etc. Last mother\'s day I took the Friday before & the Monday after off of work because its too hard to listen to all the plans everyone had for mother\'s day.. Other times I just excuse myself or just hide in my cubicle. Its often the same in other social situations. I just try to protect myself as you do when your friend talks about her kids. And its ok - we need to do whatever we need to do to lighten our burden of grief & pain even a little. In most cases folks are not trying to be hurtful...they\'re just living their lives.
For me, I feel like the pain has gotten more bearable over time and I have found ways to keep Ed with me, but no doubt, it will hurt until we see Jennifer and Ed again. Until then, we have each other for understanding and support. Gentle hugs and love, Linda
HI VICKY : MY DAUGHTER HAS BEEN GONE 1 1 YEARS. AND I STILL JUST FEEL HORRIBLE WHEN THE OTHER WOMEN TALK ABOUT THEIR DAUGHTERS, GETTING MARRIED, HAVING KIDS, BIRTHDAYS, YES IT BREAKS MY HEART , MY DAUGHTER IS GONE FOR GOOD, WHY DO I WANT TO LISTENI . TO SAD AND SO EMPTY. BLESS YOUR ANGEL LOVE MARY ANN .
Everyone states the truth here. Hoping to find some peace and sending it to you also!!! Hugs, Kathy
I join the list,,,,, they all said how I feel,,, I too have those feelings when others talk about their children.... so sorry but it looks like we never get over them... love ya!
I would be honored to be your friend.
Comegetme
I agree with everything the soth have writen. I find for me, as I am 68 yrs. old, people seem to think it is easier for me, than someone younger, who lost their child. My son was 48 yrs. old, when he died, but he was my child and I have lost a peice of me & I will never be the same!!!
(((HUGS)))...Julia
Hi Vicki, I don\'t have a whole lot more to add other than to say you are a braver woman than I. I don\'t really socialize any more except with my immediate family because I can\'t handle everyone else\'s happy news, which just reinforces my loss. I do what I have to at work, but it\'s hard sometimes. I applaud you for continuing your friendships and staying somewhat sane despite the insensitive (but I\'m sure well-meaning) words of others. Hugs, Laura
I listen to the women at work who complain about their kids. I do compare them to my daughter, they ask how I survived I say I still am. They all know about my son, they do not mean harm. They do not understand the pain and they know I feel that way.
I hope things improve for you over time.
Hugs Penny