Same old thing

It's just the same old thing. I want out. I don't know I can't do it. Why I'm so weak about it. I try to play the game but I'm not really good at it. I can't beat him at his game. He makes the rules. He changes the rules. I'm tired and beat down. I have a couple friends in real life I share with. They understand. They think he's crazy. But they'll never be able to grasp how I feel. The insanity I feel swirling in my head. The way he can make me doubt myself. Makes me feel like the bad parent. Like I can't do it right. His way is the best way. And honestly I've been beat down so much by him. I don't even care anymore. I don't care to do it his way or my way or any way. Just. Not parent. Be the bad guy and let the kids run amuck. Except that's not good either. So I'm stuck trying to find the right balance. The balance to keep him satisfied while struggling to keep my head above it.

I have this strong desire for isolation. Avoid people. All of them. Even my friends. I'm tired of pretending I'm ok. Tired of pretending I got this that I'm strong. I don't got this. And I'm unraveling everyday. Little by little. He broke me about 5 yrs ago. I became someone I never wanted to be. I became so hard. Such a bitch. I shut myself off to him emotionally. I realized I hated him. Us. And I was never changing that. Now sometimes I feel something else breaking....my sanity, my stability, my ability to cope .... I don't know what it is this time.

I don't want to live this way anymore. I want to be free. I don't know how. So many people. So much different advice. All just noise in my head sometimes. I don't feel like I have any power or control anymore. I feel whipped. Like I have to give in just to keep from being strangled to death by his restrictions. I keep giving and inch and he keeps taking more and more.

Ugh