Same old shit
I'm pretty pissed off right now and I need to get it out of me. It's good friday- so it's lent and I can't eat meat. Every Friday in lent I have gone to the buffet. The reason I do so is that everything I eat on a normal basis invovles meat- and the buffet has a lot of fish. Anyway- I started taking my grandma with me in the beginning of lent and she really enjoyed it so we kept going back every friday. It became our thing. So there was a friday a couple of weeks ago where it was difficult for me to make it out to dinner. In fact- I think it was last week. Anyway- I moved shit around- did what I had to do and made it happen b/c I thought my grandma would be disappointed if I didn't take her out. Mind you- she's pushing 90.
The reason this pisses me off so much is b/c it's not only with my grandma- I take plans very seriously. Whenever I make plans I go out of my way not to cancel. Even if that means not getting something in at the time I need to or whatever. I just don't break plans, period. I think that making plans with someone is asking them to set aside time in their day or night for you. I think that when you break plans you are saying- you're time means nada to me. It infuriates me, it always has. And yet, I repeatedly associate with individuals that have no problem canceling plans.
Anyway- tonight I wanted to go to the buffet. Now- I don't want to go alone for the obvious reasons. B/c going to a restaurant alonne fucking sucks and doing so at a buffet sucks significantly more. So I call up my father today to ask if my grandma wants to go out to dinner. I have to call him b/c she wont answer the phone. She told him to tell me that she didn't want to go. Why? B/c she's going to be eating a lot on Sunday and she doesn't want to eat a lot tonight. Mind you- I don't usually binge at buffets. I used to and I remember feeling like shit afterwards. Anyway- my grandma's diabetic- so I understand- her sugar is up, etc. But do you think it ever crosses anyone's fucking mind that maybe I would like to go to the buffet? The answer to that question is fucking NO.
No one thinks- well if i cancel then she will have to eat alone and she probably wont go. Of course not. In fact- with the exception of my ma- absolutely everyone in my life thinks absolutely nothing of breaking plans with me. I'm fucking sick of it to be quite honest. And w my grandma- I move hell and high water to be there for her. I have done so my entire life. I repeatedly sacrifice. And does anyone ever say- what about jen? No- no one says that shit.
Its fucked up. Why doesn't my time matter to these fucking people? What do they think is wrong with me that they just have no fucking respect for my time? I don't know the answer to that question- but I know this: I'm not gonna take it personal anymore. From here on in if someone cancels plans and doesn't have a damn good reason to do so then they are the fuck out of my life. That's it. Out. Fuck you. Goodbye. OUT.
I texted my other friend to see if she wants to go with me. She immediately told me no b/c she can't eat meat today either. Then she asked if i wanted to hang out now. I text her back a question, no response. FUCK YOU BITCH. What the fuck?
Now there's a couple things that bear mentioning first- my grandma does have a good reason not to go- high blood sugar is a good reason. And this chick- my friend- we have always had a relationship like that. I know she's a complete fucking flake. I love her anyway- and vice versa. It has never bothered me before b/c she's just not someone I count on to do anything. I trust her to be her. Both of these scenarios spark deep seeded anger from eveyrone in my fucking dysfunctional life repeatedly feeling as if my time means fucking nothing to them. It's happened my entire life- MY ENTIRE LIFE.
No more. I have to find some quality people to associate with man. I need it desperately. I can't take being treated like I'm nobody anymore. I guess when I actually felt like I was nobody- it was easier to take. Now I'm starting to love and care for myself and my own well being and I want to tell all these people to just fuck off. I think I might. Not my grandma and not this particular friend- both of them are relatively positive people in my life. That's not to say that I don't have the right to be pissed at them- I do and I am. But they won't get cut off.
Everyone else, however- is getting CUT the fuck off if they break plans with me. That's my rule from now on. My time is important. It is no longer okay for people to not respect that.
I just read through this entry like I do before I send it each timme and i realized something- people will give you as good as you expect from them- nothing more and nothing less. These people break plans b/c I allow them to. Once I stop allowing that I think my problem will decrease significantly. That- and I have to surround myself with better people.
From here on in- everytime I feel an emotion that is not 100% positive I'm going to write int he journal. Every time. It really does help. I explained it to a friend the other day- I always give such great advice- too fucking bad I dont follow it- anyway- I said to him that things dont just go away b/c we ignore them. When people hurt or anger is its like they poison us and what would you do if someone just told you you ingested poision? You get it out of you. You get your stomach pumped. You do what you have to. Yet we see no problem with keeping energy poisoning emotions inside. it's all fucked up. Once it gets out, it loses its poison. From here on in- I will be ridding myself of emotional poisons.
The reason this pisses me off so much is b/c it's not only with my grandma- I take plans very seriously. Whenever I make plans I go out of my way not to cancel. Even if that means not getting something in at the time I need to or whatever. I just don't break plans, period. I think that making plans with someone is asking them to set aside time in their day or night for you. I think that when you break plans you are saying- you're time means nada to me. It infuriates me, it always has. And yet, I repeatedly associate with individuals that have no problem canceling plans.
Anyway- tonight I wanted to go to the buffet. Now- I don't want to go alone for the obvious reasons. B/c going to a restaurant alonne fucking sucks and doing so at a buffet sucks significantly more. So I call up my father today to ask if my grandma wants to go out to dinner. I have to call him b/c she wont answer the phone. She told him to tell me that she didn't want to go. Why? B/c she's going to be eating a lot on Sunday and she doesn't want to eat a lot tonight. Mind you- I don't usually binge at buffets. I used to and I remember feeling like shit afterwards. Anyway- my grandma's diabetic- so I understand- her sugar is up, etc. But do you think it ever crosses anyone's fucking mind that maybe I would like to go to the buffet? The answer to that question is fucking NO.
No one thinks- well if i cancel then she will have to eat alone and she probably wont go. Of course not. In fact- with the exception of my ma- absolutely everyone in my life thinks absolutely nothing of breaking plans with me. I'm fucking sick of it to be quite honest. And w my grandma- I move hell and high water to be there for her. I have done so my entire life. I repeatedly sacrifice. And does anyone ever say- what about jen? No- no one says that shit.
Its fucked up. Why doesn't my time matter to these fucking people? What do they think is wrong with me that they just have no fucking respect for my time? I don't know the answer to that question- but I know this: I'm not gonna take it personal anymore. From here on in if someone cancels plans and doesn't have a damn good reason to do so then they are the fuck out of my life. That's it. Out. Fuck you. Goodbye. OUT.
I texted my other friend to see if she wants to go with me. She immediately told me no b/c she can't eat meat today either. Then she asked if i wanted to hang out now. I text her back a question, no response. FUCK YOU BITCH. What the fuck?
Now there's a couple things that bear mentioning first- my grandma does have a good reason not to go- high blood sugar is a good reason. And this chick- my friend- we have always had a relationship like that. I know she's a complete fucking flake. I love her anyway- and vice versa. It has never bothered me before b/c she's just not someone I count on to do anything. I trust her to be her. Both of these scenarios spark deep seeded anger from eveyrone in my fucking dysfunctional life repeatedly feeling as if my time means fucking nothing to them. It's happened my entire life- MY ENTIRE LIFE.
No more. I have to find some quality people to associate with man. I need it desperately. I can't take being treated like I'm nobody anymore. I guess when I actually felt like I was nobody- it was easier to take. Now I'm starting to love and care for myself and my own well being and I want to tell all these people to just fuck off. I think I might. Not my grandma and not this particular friend- both of them are relatively positive people in my life. That's not to say that I don't have the right to be pissed at them- I do and I am. But they won't get cut off.
Everyone else, however- is getting CUT the fuck off if they break plans with me. That's my rule from now on. My time is important. It is no longer okay for people to not respect that.
I just read through this entry like I do before I send it each timme and i realized something- people will give you as good as you expect from them- nothing more and nothing less. These people break plans b/c I allow them to. Once I stop allowing that I think my problem will decrease significantly. That- and I have to surround myself with better people.
From here on in- everytime I feel an emotion that is not 100% positive I'm going to write int he journal. Every time. It really does help. I explained it to a friend the other day- I always give such great advice- too fucking bad I dont follow it- anyway- I said to him that things dont just go away b/c we ignore them. When people hurt or anger is its like they poison us and what would you do if someone just told you you ingested poision? You get it out of you. You get your stomach pumped. You do what you have to. Yet we see no problem with keeping energy poisoning emotions inside. it's all fucked up. Once it gets out, it loses its poison. From here on in- I will be ridding myself of emotional poisons.
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