same day another entry

still more for who will listen... after khaely's birthday which was 20 november, and the celebration to day....   on 24 november, which is tomorrow, is jessy's seven months to her ANGEL DAY. she passed on 24 april 2008.  and the NEXT DAY, the 25th november, is her BIRTHDAY, she would have been 13. my dad, in the meantime, has had a rapid deterioration in his condition over the past few weeks - he has lewy body syndrome, which a severe and terminal type of  demential illness. his wife is taking him off to emigrate in february. my dad was a doctor, and helped me all the years with jessy. now it feels like i am losing him so quickly. not only that he is getting increasingly confused and unable to do things for himself, but that i, particulary, was so close to him, and if he DOES leave, i think i know deep down that i wont see him again. my brain knows this, but my heart cant even go there.  so both my sisters are coming here to SA in december, one i havent seen for a year, the other for SEVEN years.  they are coming to see my dad, as i believe, they too, want to say the good byes in a way. this almost seems sick!  it is just awful.  i am not ready to say good bye to my dad. and we decided that while my sisters are here, we are going to do jessy's tombstone, so last week i had to plan khaely's party AND do the design and wording for jessy's tombstone. how's that for "life carries on"!   and so my sisters will come in mid december, and we will spend time with my dad. and they will try to help me with khaely.  and probably on the 21st december, we are having the tombstone put up, and will have a ceremony. my dog, sheinie, who i am so close to, has really been different since jessy passed. she is a black labrador.  she is always been very attached to me. she is with me all the time. but since jessy passed she is sad. i can just see it, she is not the same. she is now even more attached to me. i guess i am feeling lots and lots of emotions.i feeling like i am saying good byes that i cannot face. and khaely sometimes in rational moments is saying she doesnt want to live anymore, its just too hard. she IS under a psychiatrist, and counselling, and everything, and constant efforts with meds. but i am just finished! your friend here is trying desperately to survive. even financially!! love jan jessy, i love you, last night my granny - who passed a few years ago - came to me last night in my dreams. i was driving in the car (i always felt she was distant from me and didnt love me that much). she was in a car driving past, and she looked at me, put her head out the window, and shouted "i love you, i love you!!",  and their car sped off as she waved excitedly to me, and i waved back and i said, "bye".  jessy, what is she saying? what does she mean? jessy are you okay? i love youyour mommy