Salted-pork soup and Genshin Impact

I've been loving the new Genshin Impact update with my new favorite character, Xiao.. I don't usually fangirl like this I would say. I find a certain allure about him. I wouldn't say I'm romantically or physically attracted (I figured out that I'm aromantic anyway so I'm not sure if I can feel that kind of attraction). I can certainly admire his wonderful character design from an artistic standpoint and his story potential from a creator's standpoint. And it doesn't hurt that he has a cute face too, heh.. with nice makeup. I get frustrated that I can never seem to show exactly what I want or envision in my art. I default to a cutesy style that's nice but not me. But I've been drawing anyway recently. I realized that not liking what I draw isn't a reason to stop drawing. Anything's better than stopping for weeks or months at a time. 

Seeing all of this wonderful fanart and content, and art and content in general, my mind is filled with ideas that I don't have the time or energy to get to all of. As it is I still have some things on the backburner to finish up, that I will get to eventually. It's a bad habit of mine to start things and feel so burdened by committment that I give up halfway through. Or I power through and feel unsatisfied by the end of it. It's because of an overcommittment to quality/work that's the best of my ability, to the point that art seems like work and I really don't need more work when I already feel like I have a lot. 

Oh, I'd love to explore these characters and this world in comics, or animatics, or even animations.. I'd love to draw them interacting, in quiet moments alone, having funny moments. I'd love to poke fun at them and point out their contradictions. And I'd love to make comics and art about my own life more, too. These thoughts and life comics have been more popular recently and I've realized that I have thoughts and life things I'd like to share with the world too. For example something that's been on my mind lately is the confusion I feel about my culture and where my true "home" is. I specifically thought about food today, how I see chinese food as home and am also very tired of it at the same time. I find American food very salty and oddly same-tasting, and the same goes for food from most every culture. But then again, I haven't eaten as much of a variety of American food as most Americans, with parents who'll mostly frequent Asian markets and only go to Costco for cheap fruit. 

I grew up with things most people would consider odd, like canned sweet oat bean mix (the can says oatmeal but it's definitely not what Americans call oatmeal), dried squid, salted duck egg with porridge, soy sauce soup with flour noodles, beef kidneys, chicken gizzards, century eggs, fermented tofus, preserved mustard tubers, all KINDS of preserved things. Things most people here wouldn't eat or wouldn't understand eating. 

My Chinese relatives say that I have a chinese face and an american heart. I don't think I have an american heart though? There are so many american things that I just don't do. I don't do sports, celebrities, netflix, I don't know pop culture like the old movies and famous musicians. I don't get pep rallies, fashion trends, greek life, or things like that. I guess I spent so much time watching from the sidelines with my parents who knew even less. I don't exactly feel a part of all of it, and it doesn't help that people's reactions to this are usually ludicrous. 

I remember the feeling of being at home in China. But I'm not at home there either. The last time I went, I finally understood the threat of communism that looked over my head, and I was acutely aware of all the websites blocked on my phone and that people could be jailed for saying the wrong thing. I felt uncomfortable then, and with the loud, angry people in the streets speaking fast Chinese I didn't understand. But at the same time, it was all so familiar. The houses smelled familiar. The mosquitoes everywhere at night were familiar. The fresh watermelon and all kinds of fruit. The markets, the small restaurants. The relatives. Revisiting the same places I'd been too years prior. And Shanghai, the city I feel closest to. My parents both lived there for a time and we speak Shanghainese. Its skyline changes every time I go there. Going to China, being Chinese, I feel I have unique perspective when I'm back at home in America, where people trash talk us without thinking. 

I don't mean to take away from the ongoing discussion of racism mainly centered around black and hispanic/latino peoples. But I definitely feel like racism against Asians/Chinese people is an ongoing thing constantly swept under the rug. Especially China.. apparently people don't see us as human because of the communism and all. I've heard way too many comments about eating dogs or whatever the fuck. And when I see the many Chinese immigrants who get mistreated, unable to speak english, and silently take it, well I can't help but think there's something there. My parents were like that too. 

I want to reconnect with my culture someday. But I definitely feel like I'd be ridiculed back in my homeland. I do have an American heart in some ways. I'm sensitive, honest, and I like personal freedom. I think Chinese people are generally more closed off or roundabout about their feelings, and generally value family and community over self. So I'm not sure if I'd ever fit in, especially given that I've never fit in with my own family. 

Going back to food, I miss salted pork bamboo shoot soup.. you can't get it fresh here in America.