Saint Anthony is the Saint of Miracles.

Tired of feeling tired. I don't know why I still complain. I don't know why I'm upset at being so tired. If I would of handled my problems correctly in the beginning then I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in now. If I would of grabbed my pounding taking vagina instead of grabbing my sensitive to touch balls then I'd be where I would exactly want to be. And instead I'm not . I'm still struggling at the bottom still thinking about ways to get sober on my own. I notice I now avoid certain things that I should be approaching just so I won't have to cry. And I get myself to not think about thing just so I won't have to feel like shit and cry, and ultimately, use. Everyday I cry. Everyday I'm feeling shitty. Everyday I use. I have to get right. I have no where to go. All I need is to get away for 3-5 day first.   Once I began with 3-5 days away from my house, away from Lucy then I can come back and stay to myself. I know people are iffy to believe I say that is what I can do. But it's been this long and I haven't started to even get to a whole twenty four hours. It was so hard for me to get to that point that I know I'm not going to want to throw that away. Because it wasn't easy. Having no friends or family means I have no one to turn to for that support system. I have no one to offer me they're help as to , perhaps let me stay on there couch for 3-5 days. Sheesh Louise ill even stay parked on they're property in my truck for those days if I had the opportunity. No one knows this about me except my MACHO. But I have started to copy and download a whole different kind of written exercises such as "self help", "self improvement"& etc.      . a All different types of action plan and how to do mindful exercise and breathing exercises. I guess all the kinds of things a psych doctor would make a person who was OCD or bipolar, Cognitive behavior , substance abuser and suicidal work on to help them out with they're anger is sure or learning why it is they procrastinate. I like worksheets like those. I always have. It makes me have to put in work by putting in thought about ME. So I learn something new about me. I also have a few workbooks with a great deal of pages teaching a person how to make their recovery work and to let they're last relapse to be just that, "they're last". That's what one workbook is called, I'm not making that part up. But I have yet to try it. But I will once that time comes. Hopefully sooner then latter. SSIIIGGGGHHHHH..!   Well II'm guessing that's enough complaining for one day. I'm super tired. Tired of myself and being stepped on by my daughters father and most of all I'm tired of being kept away from my daughter and missing her as much as I do. It breaks my heart, it really really does. Any mother out there that reads this, take a moment and see my world thru my eyes. Put yourself in my spot and situation. i know you'll say "ohh no, I would never do a thing like that. But, I'm not asking that. I'm saying, just imagine if you were force to only see your baby or kids or children, teenagers or whatever just two hours a week every week. It would crush you, like it crushes me, to pieces, as fine as powder.  Sometimes I even avoid looking at her pictures or thinking about her too much so I can avoid the tears and heart ache. During the week I miss her. When I'm getting ready to go see her then I'm filled with joy. And when I'm with her, nothing else matters because nothing is more greater then her. But when it's time for me to say goodbye to her    , ,  ,  ,  ,  ,  , , ,,,  ,,, ,   ,   , , see my world thru my eyes. And then you will know why it is that I am the way I am.  
             I'm Praying for my miracle to happen to me.