Sadness, Depression, unhappy, all the above...

I have been having trouble with sadness, depression...Actually really really sad..I hate being like this... I keep saying to myself, I DON"T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY ANYMORE... I'm sick and tired of feeling this way, ugh!! My life is completely different then it use to be... I miss my family life.. I feel so left out, both of my brothers are so lucky to have their adult children.. My youngest brother has 2 girls, and 1 boy, the oldest girl is 28 and married, she just had her 1st baby in march. She was due April 17th, 2 days after Ryan's Angel date..She had the baby 3 weeks early, I am sooo happy for her.. I told her the first baby is the best feeling, the best day of your life.....My oldest brother, has 3 beautiful daughters, the middle one is getting married this summer...Then me with 2 children, 1 Son Ryan, died 5 years ago, and my daughter Erica, moved 6 hrs away from home. I'm lost! I have a boyfriend, which I'm not completely happy with, he thinks everythings fine..I'm not sure if the reason  I'm not happy without my 2 children? OR Sometime's I wonder if I have a problem with not being happy Period...I'm not sure if my meds are not doing anything anymore..I feel like the best of my life is over.. I had everything I wanted, and now I need to find my new self.. WHICH I don't think I ever knew my true self.. I love being with people, but ever since I stopped doing Hair, in my old hair salon, I lost my identity of who I am, and what I want...I know I want my daughter to be happy, thats my #1 thing...Through these 5 years without Ryan, my life,  literally SUCKS.. NOW LOL, I see what I said my life SUCKS!?! IS it the lie I'm telling myself? or what???? I'm hoping this shall pass, IF this is how I am going to be like for the rest of my life, yuk, I don't have enough energy left.. OK OK OK, YA, What happen to the one day at a time thingey?, SEE! This is how I feel at this time.. Tomorrow, when I get up, and say "Good morning God", instead of "Good God its morning".. I'm off the beam, I need to get back on.. Its all about turning my thoughts around.. I know that! I just can't stand myself like this... I worked 30 years standing behind people doing their hair, looking at them in the mirror, talking, laughing, bitching and laughing, feeling good after work going home to my children, omg i miss them running to the door SOOOO happy to see me..Its all gone, I want my kids back.urrrrrrr...Nothing will ever be the same.. I think of that thought alot, don't you? Ya, and I know even if Ryan was alive and Erica was living back home, it still will never be the same, people change, things change, I changed,,, WOW, ok I'm ranting on & on..I am in hopes of accepting all these changes... I need to focus focus focus!!!! I feel the best when I make a decision, and get up the gumpstion,  get off my fat butt, and move on, keep moving, KELLY!!!! I remember this elderly lady I met,  she told me her mother lived until she was 111 yrs old, I said "HOW DID SHE DO THAT"?? She said her words were "DON'T STOP MOVING, KEEP GOING"!!! WOW! AS simple as that...So I better start moving or I won't make it until I'm 60, lol....gatta go, Erica's calling me.. got to get moving,lol, XOXOXOKelly