Sadness, Depression, unhappy, all the above...
I have been having trouble with sadness, depression...Actually really really sad..I hate being like this... I keep saying to myself, I DON"T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY ANYMORE... I'm sick and tired of feeling this way, ugh!! My life is completely different then it use to be... I miss my family life.. I feel so left out, both of my brothers are so lucky to have their adult children.. My youngest brother has 2 girls, and 1 boy, the oldest girl is 28 and married, she just had her 1st baby in march. She was due April 17th, 2 days after Ryan's Angel date..She had the baby 3 weeks early, I am sooo happy for her.. I told her the first baby is the best feeling, the best day of your life.....My oldest brother, has 3 beautiful daughters, the middle one is getting married this summer...Then me with 2 children, 1 Son Ryan, died 5 years ago, and my daughter Erica, moved 6 hrs away from home. I'm lost! I have a boyfriend, which I'm not completely happy with, he thinks everythings fine..I'm not sure if the reason I'm not happy without my 2 children? OR Sometime's I wonder if I have a problem with not being happy Period...I'm not sure if my meds are not doing anything anymore..I feel like the best of my life is over.. I had everything I wanted, and now I need to find my new self.. WHICH I don't think I ever knew my true self.. I love being with people, but ever since I stopped doing Hair, in my old hair salon, I lost my identity of who I am, and what I want...I know I want my daughter to be happy, thats my #1 thing...Through these 5 years without Ryan, my life, literally SUCKS.. NOW LOL, I see what I said my life SUCKS!?! IS it the lie I'm telling myself? or what???? I'm hoping this shall pass, IF this is how I am going to be like for the rest of my life, yuk, I don't have enough energy left.. OK OK OK, YA, What happen to the one day at a time thingey?, SEE! This is how I feel at this time.. Tomorrow, when I get up, and say "Good morning God", instead of "Good God its morning".. I'm off the beam, I need to get back on.. Its all about turning my thoughts around.. I know that! I just can't stand myself like this... I worked 30 years standing behind people doing their hair, looking at them in the mirror, talking, laughing, bitching and laughing, feeling good after work going home to my children, omg i miss them running to the door SOOOO happy to see me..Its all gone, I want my kids back.urrrrrrr...Nothing will ever be the same.. I think of that thought alot, don't you? Ya, and I know even if Ryan was alive and Erica was living back home, it still will never be the same, people change, things change, I changed,,, WOW, ok I'm ranting on & on..I am in hopes of accepting all these changes... I need to focus focus focus!!!! I feel the best when I make a decision, and get up the gumpstion, get off my fat butt, and move on, keep moving, KELLY!!!! I remember this elderly lady I met, she told me her mother lived until she was 111 yrs old, I said "HOW DID SHE DO THAT"?? She said her words were "DON'T STOP MOVING, KEEP GOING"!!! WOW! AS simple as that...So I better start moving or I won't make it until I'm 60, lol....gatta go, Erica's calling me.. got to get moving,lol, XOXOXOKelly
Replies
This must be an especially tough time for you, Easter weekend. I understand much of what you say here ~ there are plenty of times when I feel like \"who the **** cares anymore?\" I had my family of three beloved daughters and now ~ whoosh ~ gone, just like that ~ Corrie killed; Allie living 300 miles away; and Hillary living across the country! The empty nest.
About a month after Corrie was killed I heard the neighbors\' young kids laughing and screaming and playing and that sent me into a fresh round of jealousy, longing and sobbing. And then one of Corrie\'s sisters said \"but Mom ~ you haven\'t had any young kids for years ~ there\'s nothing to be jealous of ~ we had our giddy time as young children!\" And I realized that she was right. Our lives are really a series of mini-lives, progressing from being children to angsty teens to young adults to young parents to parents of our own angsty teenagers. Each stage demands that we redefine ourselves to a certain extent while still appreciating the core of who we are.
Now we once again must learn to redefine who we are and what matters to us and how to find new meaning in our lives. It\'s a tall order ~ yet, I sense, even in your sadness and venting, a fighting spirit and humor ~ I love do I say \"Good morning God\" or \"Good God it\'s morning!\" You gave me a giggle for sure!
As you say ~ just keep going ~ one foot in front of the other, one breath at a time. It doesn\'t need to be a frantic sense of \"I must focus\" but rather just taking in a deep breath and releasing the anguish as you breathe out.
I hope your phone call with Erica was a fun one.
Sending much love and big hugs ~ Debbie
This is such an honest post. Sometimes we just aren\'t honest with ourselves and of course others. You\'re not happy and don\'t want to pretend to be and that\'s just the way it is and you are facing it. I don\'t blame you. I\'m feeling the same right now. I too was on an anti-depressants for a long time (way before Jason\'s death for about 20 years -- I tried Effexor, Pretsique, Zolft, Prozac, Lexapro, Seroqual) and they all stopped working for me, now no anti-depressants work anymore and I have bad side effects from some so I had to stop taking them. I\'m actually physically better without them and emotionally the same, but that\'s just me. I want to turn the clock back and start over and do it all again, maybe a little different this time...but I can\'t so I\'m trying real hard just as you are to go on with life the way it is now. Sometimes you just have yell -- IT SUCKS! Personally, since we are being total honest here, I don\'t mind saying that I don\'t want to live a long life, I can\'t face the idea of living longer than any more of my loved ones. No I\'m not suicidal but I want to be the next soul God takes to heaven in my family. In the mean time someone posted this quote and it helps somewhat -- I\'m sorry I don\'t remember who I got it from
\" If you live in the present, every moment is a new beginning...\"
unknown
Terry
I know the emptiness and depth of despair of losing a child. some things in our lives will always be a source of pain, but we have to keep going, but not going back, that is past, no way to change it. But if you can find some passion in your life again, it will help. it helped me, art ,music, good friends, and i love animals. sometimes the simple joy of watching cats watching birds, haha and petting animals can be theraputic. Do u have any animals? xoxoxo
Kelly, I think its great that you are letting it out in a journal and I know exactly what you mean. My life has changed dramatically since Eddie passed and I hate it. I have days when I can focus and am grateful to God for what I have and then other days....Well its just rough. But we do the best we can and we won\'t give up and that means a lot. I wish you peace and gentler days ahead. Love to you and Ryan, Linda
Thank you so much for sharing my friend.. .I always feel so much better when others put down what I am struggling with but cannot put it into words... just know you are loved and have support here... wish I lived closer we could do somethings together...
Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you this weekend.. when I was with my Family.. and of Ryan. The Angel Day\'s are always hard.. SOOOO hard. I have been through a lot.. a LOT of meds.. and im not sure if there is a \"magic combo\" that will ever fill that gut wrenching, emptyness, that we feel when we realize they are not here.. But I try and remind myself that Life is but a stopping place.. along the way.. to eternity. Ryan has crossed over; and there are times when he visits to remind you that.. and let you know.. that when you time is up.. you\'ll be together again..
We are learning about something in one of my classes right now, called soution focused therapy, and i really like this approach. It uses a method of \" focusing on the present; and what we are seeking help for .. and not the past\".. not that the past is not important, but its difficult and often overwhelming as you have found.. b/c there is SO much.. and SO much we can\'t change.. but in the present.. there is so much we can change.. and focusing on what we want to achieve.
I know it\'s tough.. to try and understand why God takes such amazing people so early in life.. but it seems that Ryan was an incredible person, who enriched the lives of so many people around him.. and I believe that you have an incredible purpose through all of this.. even if it sometihng as simple as sharing your story and providing strength to other moms who have lost their children, around you.
I dont remember what you told me you are currently doing ; career-wise.. but have you ever considered going back to doing what you seem to really love- hair? even if it\'s just for extra cash?
Have you ever considered going into social work/ counseling ; and working with famlies / clients who are batteling with similar situatons? Having suffered this loss.. puts you in a postion to be able to better understand others... My thoughts are with you .. - Laura
You sound just like me in the way that I too talk to myself, usually in circles...lol! Sometimes it\'s just a matter of talking ourselves into moving forward...or for me, sometimes demanding myself to move! I think you definitely need a job with lots of people to talk to....sounds like you really loved be a hair dresser...any chance of doing that again? It might be just the thing you need? Stay active my friend! Love you so much and can\'t wait to put my arms around you in Asheville! WoooHooo!
Oh Kelly, I just love your vibrant personality! You can just put yourself out there with your innermost thoughts and feelings and keep a sense of humor at the same time that your heart is hurting so much. I wish I could do that more often. I think expressing yourself in words like that can be very healing. I tend to keep things (especially everything you said I feel) stuck in my head where I drive myself crazy. My oldest daughter is my confidant but she lives across the country in California. And Laura has her own set of struggles and then I have a very angsty 16 year old Amber. I also miss those days when they were small. Jared was my little intellect. But like Debbie said, our lives are like a series of mini-lives that we move and change through. Kelly, I look forward to seeing you in Asheville! By the way, is Erica coming along again? All my love and big tight hugs to you, Diane
Leaning into what is becomes our lives and some days we just don\'t want to. Our heartstrings are pulled so tight wondering about how things would be if our children were still with us yet as you mentioned change is always happening. Kelly, you are a relational being and I do believe that to be with people and giving of yourself is how you heal. It is not for everyone yet I sense it around you each time I read what you have written. You are meant to be happy and to find the pockets of peace you speak of and only you can decide how that might look? Taking those first steps is always the biggest challenge yet you can do it. You have strength and courage beyond measure. Embrace what is and allow it to be your catalyst for the change that you speak of. I am in your corner and am wishing you a day of comfort. Much love, Joanie
Kelly, you are one special Lady. You have a smile that lites up a room and a personality to go with it. But I seen it at the retreat, right below the surface is the pain of losing your precious Ryan...After losing Tommy I took some time off from work. It only made me feel worse. Once I returned I found it to be theraputic. Listening to others and focusing on my job gave my mind a break from the heart ache, if only for a few hours a day. Was it easy, hell no!...I found myself always on the edge, snapping at my co-workers when they didn\'t do their job...But for the most part people understand I was emotionally destroyed and tried their best to help....Its just a thought. Love to you, Pat
Kelly, I think the holiday and perhaps the change of seasons stirs up those uncertain feelings in us. I know I look back at earlier easter mornings with my boys and oh how badly I would love to have things back as they were. It\'s difficult to accept change. I actually dislike change alot but I\'ve learned that change can be ok and there are \"seasons\" to our lives. I think the older we get, the more we see that we are on now heading down that hill instead of up and that can be scary. Yes, we have a lot of life left to live but you know what I mean. I agree with the others that you sould maybe get back to doing hair if only one or two days a week. I think with your personality you need to let it shine. I\'ve always heard \"if you rest, your rust\" so don\'t rest friend. Get up and like you said \"move\". Love to you. Robin
Kelly, I could relate to all you have said...even the hair stylist part!! You have so much to give to others and I think you will fill that void of longing with being a helpful friend to others. I know you have to me. Granted, no one can fill our children\'s shoes....that is just the way God intended.
I agree with all that Debbie posted...very well said...and all the others who have posted. Take the wise counsel of those who love you....you are loved.
Dale, Brandon\'s Mom
Kelly The holidays are so different now and sooo hard to get thru they will forever be changed.I read your words and I could be writing exactly the same but I dont have a way with words and putting them down. Wishing you some sunshine and peace Bev
It is sad to think of living and being sad until our time comes...I keep wondering how to get through ti....I guess just a step at a time that is all I know...best to you during this time...Sandi
I understand. I often wonder how I can even stand to be here. One day at a time is the only way. Right after Joey died, my mom went into full-blown dementia. My daughter and I cared for her until she died two years ago. My daughter is bi-polar (won\'t get treatment) and is very needy at 33. She is the queen of bad decisions. My husband is an alcoholic who is in the midst of a binge at this time. I know he is depressed and I feel badly for him but honestly, I cannot stand him. This is what I\'m left with.