Sad Today
I am sad today. I really miss him. I went and had my nails done this morning. In the back, the TV was playing a show about the native foods of Alaska. That is where he is right now.
I am both pleased and dismayed that he is gone. That is something I can only write here. No one else would understand. How I can both still love him, and never want to see him again/or have anything else to do with him.
The nightmares keep coming. PTSD, without a doubt. It has gotten to the point that I dread going back to sleep again each night. Tomorrow is going to be hard. I have to travel for work, and there will be no disguising a fitful night's sleep, the bags under my eyes or the times my eyes well up, or anxiety threatens to consume me.
I did a tarot reading last night. It said that if I didn't embrace my spiritual power, gratitude for the people and opportunities that I do have; that if I don't shift my focus to the flow of the future, that I will remain stuck in the pain of my past by my own doing.
It was right. Dead on. I found myself thinking of him today, and thinking 'he is gone now'. No matter what he does, he is gone from my life forever now. It hurts me to write that. He has been such a large part of my life for so long now.
When I saw the show, I thought, 'Hmm, I wonder if he has tried these foods, viewed this culture like I do,' then I remembered... He doesn't even care about people.
His masked slipped off completely the last few times I saw him, and I realized everything, EVERYTHING, that I loved about him (with a few minor exceptions) was an act. He is a vengeful, hateful person who uses/hides behind a 'cool' degree to snag people into his trap for his amusement. It was the perfect cover-up for who he really is. A monster.
Still...
I close my eyes and see him as a little boy... A little boy who loved rocks and rivers, the woods and time alone with his dad. Who worshipped his mom for her gentle nature. Then it goes black... And I see the little boy who hated his mom for not protecting him, who screamed 'cunt, bitch and whore' at her, like he recently screamed at me... And behind us, a trail of other women who have experienced similar fates. Love 'em up, and discard them.
I remember a dream I had about him once, the dream where he became my psychopathic ex, that everything was an act, and the two of them changed shaped into reptilian monsters, who dripped vile venomous sludge, spewing it everywhere with each nice, fancy word spoken. The shills... his daughter, my ex's friends, all camouflage to cover up who and what they really were.
That is the real reason I wouldn't marry him, it was all an act.
I miss and long for the him that I knew... The one that loved nature and plants as much as me, who loved dogs and being dirty, who laughed and could play one minute and talk politics or ancient, indigenous cultures the next... The him that loved me...
Because...
To be honest, I haven't been so good at loving myself lately. I have missed the real Tiffany. The one that I described above, for all of those things that I love and longed for in him, is who I also am. I have been ignoring her for a long time. Because she isn't 'real' in my parent's eyes, my sister's or even his... I am Tiffany, the cold-hearted, insensitive bitch who deserves to be miserable because of the bad choices I made. No one deserves to live and prosper as I have, not when they have done such wrongs!!! This is the message I am constantly giving... Diving into the bushes in order to risk exposure... That I really am a good person, that I am sorry for the hurt I caused, but not what I did. That I feel no shame for my actions. The only shame I feel is for not sticking up for myself more! For not fighting for what is right! My divine rights... As a human being... To be loved, cherished, honored and respected simply because I AM. We are all a part of God, and all along I have been denying my place by his side because I thought I had done something wrong, that I didn't deserve it. NOT ANY MORE!!!
I miss him, because he brought me back to myself in a way no one else could. He was my perfect reflection. The traits I loved in him are the traits I loved in myself. The things I hated in him, the hurts he inflicted, unmasked my own wounds and my own self-hate.
I am totally content just being right now. I have to sit with that for a while. Let it sink in...
I am both pleased and dismayed that he is gone. That is something I can only write here. No one else would understand. How I can both still love him, and never want to see him again/or have anything else to do with him.
The nightmares keep coming. PTSD, without a doubt. It has gotten to the point that I dread going back to sleep again each night. Tomorrow is going to be hard. I have to travel for work, and there will be no disguising a fitful night's sleep, the bags under my eyes or the times my eyes well up, or anxiety threatens to consume me.
I did a tarot reading last night. It said that if I didn't embrace my spiritual power, gratitude for the people and opportunities that I do have; that if I don't shift my focus to the flow of the future, that I will remain stuck in the pain of my past by my own doing.
It was right. Dead on. I found myself thinking of him today, and thinking 'he is gone now'. No matter what he does, he is gone from my life forever now. It hurts me to write that. He has been such a large part of my life for so long now.
When I saw the show, I thought, 'Hmm, I wonder if he has tried these foods, viewed this culture like I do,' then I remembered... He doesn't even care about people.
His masked slipped off completely the last few times I saw him, and I realized everything, EVERYTHING, that I loved about him (with a few minor exceptions) was an act. He is a vengeful, hateful person who uses/hides behind a 'cool' degree to snag people into his trap for his amusement. It was the perfect cover-up for who he really is. A monster.
Still...
I close my eyes and see him as a little boy... A little boy who loved rocks and rivers, the woods and time alone with his dad. Who worshipped his mom for her gentle nature. Then it goes black... And I see the little boy who hated his mom for not protecting him, who screamed 'cunt, bitch and whore' at her, like he recently screamed at me... And behind us, a trail of other women who have experienced similar fates. Love 'em up, and discard them.
I remember a dream I had about him once, the dream where he became my psychopathic ex, that everything was an act, and the two of them changed shaped into reptilian monsters, who dripped vile venomous sludge, spewing it everywhere with each nice, fancy word spoken. The shills... his daughter, my ex's friends, all camouflage to cover up who and what they really were.
That is the real reason I wouldn't marry him, it was all an act.
I miss and long for the him that I knew... The one that loved nature and plants as much as me, who loved dogs and being dirty, who laughed and could play one minute and talk politics or ancient, indigenous cultures the next... The him that loved me...
Because...
To be honest, I haven't been so good at loving myself lately. I have missed the real Tiffany. The one that I described above, for all of those things that I love and longed for in him, is who I also am. I have been ignoring her for a long time. Because she isn't 'real' in my parent's eyes, my sister's or even his... I am Tiffany, the cold-hearted, insensitive bitch who deserves to be miserable because of the bad choices I made. No one deserves to live and prosper as I have, not when they have done such wrongs!!! This is the message I am constantly giving... Diving into the bushes in order to risk exposure... That I really am a good person, that I am sorry for the hurt I caused, but not what I did. That I feel no shame for my actions. The only shame I feel is for not sticking up for myself more! For not fighting for what is right! My divine rights... As a human being... To be loved, cherished, honored and respected simply because I AM. We are all a part of God, and all along I have been denying my place by his side because I thought I had done something wrong, that I didn't deserve it. NOT ANY MORE!!!
I miss him, because he brought me back to myself in a way no one else could. He was my perfect reflection. The traits I loved in him are the traits I loved in myself. The things I hated in him, the hurts he inflicted, unmasked my own wounds and my own self-hate.
I am totally content just being right now. I have to sit with that for a while. Let it sink in...
Replies
((((((Freedom))))))
I can feel the pain in your words. I\'m so sorry you are struggling. You don\'t deserve to suffer.
He is a very broken person. It\'s ok that he may have helped you realize things about yourself. That\'s why I believe things happen for a reason, and we meet ppl for a reason.
Youre making some huge realizations and im proud of you and admire your growth! You need to stop ignoring yourself. This is Your time now. Take what you figured out about yourself from him, and use that to help yourself.
It\'s ok to miss the good parts about him. Because he helped you grow.
But he was not good or healthy for you bc he also hurt you so much. He is broken. Remember that.
Continue to really take care of and nurture YOU. Because as good as it is that you learned much about yourself, sadly you did at the hands of an abuser.
You deserve so much more. Sending peace, strength and healing thoughts,
Hugs, xo