Sad Sister

My sister just called and told me my brother was being mean to her and to my dad. She didn't say how or in what way but I could hear him yelling at her in the background about how he was going to leave if she dint want him there and that she should get off the phone.She sounded very sad and frightened and hung up before I could console her. I do not like what my brother is doing threatening and agitating her like that. If I reported it to the authorities he would likely be in trouble for some kind of abuse.
This seems to be what he is doing now to my family, finding what makes them feel bad/sad and using it against them. He holds them emotionally hostage to their fears. I have learned a great deal about my brother since the beginning of last month and I do not like or respect him very much. Before I was irritated by his mannerisms but thought he was overall a good guy. I thought he just bossed me around like a big brother thing but it is more than that. He is using fear and intimidation and whatever he can to keep people doing what he wants them to do. He uses threats of doing what the person fears or hold over them what they don't want others to know.
My father has been asking me to get him help and that he can't take care of himself and that he doesn't want me to leave him alone. He also asks where my brother has gone and if he is going to see him again. I was confused by this and thought it just his dementia. But now I wonder if it is because my brother has been telling hi8m that if he doesn't do what he is told that my brother will leave him and not take care of him anymore.
He has my mother afraid of him over what he can maybe do (cause trouble, yell, hurt someone, destroy something) and what might happen to him if she doesn't do what he says (she is afraid he will end up in jail or can't take care of himself and I am pretty sure she knows he does drugs and that scares her).
He seems to have my sister and father afraid of being abandoned by threatening to leave if they don't do what he says. I am not one to hold hate in my heart and have only the memory of one person that I have ever hated from when I was in middle school, but I am starting to hate of what my brother is doing. And that can't be far from hating him.
I don't need this. They don't need this. The situation we are in has to change to something without him soon or something is going to crack.
One good thing is I have noticed of late he is not bossing me around as much or starting arguments. I do not know if it is because I have power of attorney over their fiances and he is afraid of retaliation or if he has finally realized that it doesn't get him what he wants from me but only makes me more irritated with him and so less helpful.
I have looked at a place for my mom and dad with my mothers cousin (my second cousin?) and she approves of it, we have to work out the finances but maybe soon they will be there and my brother won't have to come around my dad and sister where he can cause trouble anymore. My brother is dead set against any placement for my parents. When we had a meeting with my mother's care staff al he talked about was how he wanted them home and how it would cost too much to have them taken care of somewhere else.
I think his heart is not in my parents best care but his own financial wherewithal. Not that he isn't willing to sacrifice his time to take care of them to save money but he wants me to share equally in that and I know I am not able to do it or trained to do it and I am better suited to doing it than he is.He is alone in this idea that he and I can take care of them.
Something is going to break I only hope it is him and not me or anyone else.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Your brother sounds toxic, to others to himself, he is disrupting the family, if I had such a brother (I have a brother) I would do my best to ignore, get away from him, if that is not possible, maybe tell him that you cannot let his negativity run your life, or just don\'t say anything, just try to limit time with him. You may have to report him if he becomes dangerous, you are a very caring son, and brother, your family does not need this negativity from him. Maybe you could enlist the help of another family member, or trusted friend to help you deal with this situation
kluu
kluu

I pretty much do deal with him as you suggested;avoidance, limited conversation only when necessary, letting him know that he generally annoys me with the overbearing nature and repetitive bossiness (This rarely does anything but make him worse. he hates confrontation or anyone standing up to him.) and I stay away form him as much as possible. It is only this situation that has me needing to deal with him on a daily basis. The sooner it is over the sooner I can get away from him as much as I can.