Sad Saturday
I have been away from DS too long...I am in such a dark place...almost "that" place. I am hormonal, which isn't helping...but I am so very depressed...my life is so dark and empty without my child in it...even with all her troubles and the pain she was in, she was sunshine to me...I might not see her for weeks, but I always had the HOPE of seeing her, the POSSIBILITY of seeing her...I just knew she would get better...I would live out my days near her.
My husband seems to be losing patience with me. He can't understand how the waves of grief ebb and flow, and I can't understand why HE doesn't understand...isn't it the same for him??? When I am crying, upset he offers helpful suggestions to distract me...ahem, I have explained to him over and over it's just something I have to go through, I have to feel it before I can release it, and it will never be over. I wonder if we are going to become one of the statistics???
My husband seems to be losing patience with me. He can't understand how the waves of grief ebb and flow, and I can't understand why HE doesn't understand...isn't it the same for him??? When I am crying, upset he offers helpful suggestions to distract me...ahem, I have explained to him over and over it's just something I have to go through, I have to feel it before I can release it, and it will never be over. I wonder if we are going to become one of the statistics???
Replies
Men and women grieve very differently...I was lucky that I was divorced already when Melissa died because I could grieve anyway I wanted to. For me crying helped release my feelings and helped me down the journey. Men for some reason have to always \"fix it\" and they seem like they aren\'t grieving as much as the women. They are and they just do it differently...hope you aren\'t one of those statistics. I lost an infant early in my marriage and we stayed together for 32 years after that.
I know some of us oldies here seem so happy and moving along after our loss...but please know that each of us have been in that dark place and we understand. Somehow you must find a way to live there for a while and in time things begin to change. It is different for each mom. Just like it is different for the dads. They DO grieve differently....but your marriage can make it through this, but each of you must decide to make it through. You can do this...love and hugs...Karen
Gina, I know that dark place. You are new to this journey and are doing as well as you can. I am proud of you for reaching out to others here on FMO. That takes effort and desire. I promise you, this pain does get lighter and manageable.
When you are able and feeling less emotional, I suggest you sit down with your husband and explain that crying, sadness etc is your process and it may not be his..how he grieves may be different. And that he doesn\'t need to try and \"fix\" this for you but that you appreciate him wanting to. It may overwhelm him to see your heart broken so you may want to grieve privately at times. Just a suggestion...hoping you and your husband do not become one of the statistics.
Much love and so much understanding, Linda
We had a huge fight...he feels I am a different person around my friends and sister, that I am happier around them...I told him I didn\'t want to live this way. He doesn\'t understand emotion so always reverts to anger when confronted by strong emotions...I just want him to hold me and tell me he is hurting too, but we will make it, together...is that too much to ask??
April\'s Dad was angry at her for almost three years. I was angry that I was so destroyed when he thought me the best mother he had ever known. He was angry because at age six, his mother died in childbirth, and he has been angry ever since. Men deal with grief much differently from women. YOU CANNOT HAVE ANY EXPECTATIONS OF HIM or your relationship will suffer, perhaps irreparably.
What you are feeling is normal, horribly normal. When I was at your place in your present time of grieving, had I not had two therapists and a psychiatrist, I may not have survived despite my lifelong relationship with God. I am three years and almost three months (6/2) from losing my daughter. I have come to the realization, after three years of international spiritual pilgrimage, devout prayer, supplication, come to the final cause of my persistent misery and horror: I blame myself emotionally, when I have no actual blame; I feel useless, dispensable, ultimately unlovable and easily rejected and refused, even though intellectually I KNOW these are not true. I feel that my life has been a total failure when I KNOW I was warned, I was prepared, perhaps I even volunteered since I think I was given a choice while dying from pneumonia at age five: this is an emotional response, my KNOWING is the exact opposite. I feel abandoned and of no worth to my daughter while I KNOW she did not FEEL this way about me, she was profoundly mentally ill. I feel like an \"accident of birth\", God must have took his eyes away that day, I was born prematurely after my earthly mother has bled for 24 hours (probably placenta previa) and the Dr. told my father I WAS DEAD, NO HEARTBEAT. What happened, is it like the movie \"Final Destination\"...did I escape the real fate and step into a life where there was no place for me (as I always believed), no happiness (no matter how much I felt there would be), no belonging, no validation of myself? These are lies and I know it, but I can\'t defeat them.
However: I will not allow them to defeat ME.
Stop your expectations from your husband or anyone else. Experience your reactions with the help of a grief counselor who is God based: faith filled. This Universe was once considered chaotic and that chaos has now been \"discovered\" (what a joke, as if we can discover anything created by God) to be actually based upon an order, a deliberate design, or none of us would be here right now. You will do best to turn to God, regardless of your past, your \"religious\" associations, the \"church\" to which you might belong: He is the anchor, He is the answer.
You are not unworthy. You are greatly loved. What happened is not a punishment or the result of any failure on your part. It is the nature of a creation that has strayed but will be MADE STRAIGHT, sooner or later: I think sooner. My heart to yours.
Oh Gina. He is a man. Men want to make everything better. They just don\'t get it. It took me a long time for me to convince Joe that the only way he could help was to give me a hug. Yes, we are forever changed. I like the FMO post by Tom Zuba. We do need to let the feelings out; and getting to the new normal is different for each of us. After 4 years, I still cry and occasionally rant and rave. On the upside, I can enjoy my life. But for a couple of years, I was in a depressed fog.
I hope you can make your husband understand what you need. And I hope he is able to provide it.
Love and hugs
Marlene
Men do grieve so very differently...Dan figured if he worked 12 hours a day but it did eventually catch up with him. Both of you will eventually figure \"it\" out, all you can do is be there for each other and hold on tight during the tough days. Neither of you is right or wrong in the way you grieve, you both will just do it differently. Hugs, Ann
Gina, it is not too much to ask at all! But be patient with him. These are new and difficult waters for both of you. My husband Ken is Eddie\'s stepdad. Ed is my child from my first marriage. Ken resorted to anger a lot at first. I often say that is the one emotion men are comfortable feeling. He would even be critical of me for thinking of Ed, crying and talking about Ed because Ken likes to live in avoidance. And, in fairness to him, he wanted to fix this. I told him there is no fixing this and I will need to cry for my son. Cassi and Ed are worthy of our tears. Eventually Ken began to \"get it\". I hope your husband can be tolerant of your needs and that & your need for grieving. And I think we all put on a different face for friends and we get home and let it out. Much love and wishes for peace and healing for both of you, Linda
Men are problems solvers and fixers and there is nothing that can be fixed in this moment. I\'m sure he is afraid and that is why he resorts to anger and as the others have said men and women do grieve very differently.
With my husband I envisioned a figure 8. Both of us would go out into our circles and do our grief work however that might look and feel for each of us and then we would come together in the middle of the circle and share time together in the same \"air space.\" Whether it was to sit in silence, mindlessly watch a movie, hold one another\'s hand, however it looked we tried to create and make that space for ourselves.
I think what may happen in some men\'s minds is that they wonder if their wife will ever have \"time\" to think and be with them ever again? Grieving takes every ounce of life force energy and if you can reassure your husband that this is how you are feeling now and trust that with time it will not always look and feel this way. Just to hang in there with you as you are with him.
I remember being hopeful that if one of us was really down that the other would be in an ok spot because it was when we were both in the dark, deep abyss that it began to feel hopeless. I don\'t remember too many of those times, yet of course we had them and just had to give one another a lot of space and then try to make time to come together in that center of the 8.
So much loving care dearest Gina, and yes, many marriages don\'t make it, yet just as many do and come out stronger because you realize all that matters is your love and one another.
With you and caring~
XO Joanie
(((hugs)))
Yes, men and women are VERY different...especially when emotions are involved! I learned I had to say it out loud, what I needed from my husband. Frustrating and unfair!! After all, he should KNOW what I need!! Right? No.... Not right. Not fair of me to expect. So, I learned to say, \"I just need to you hold me and tell me I\'ll survive this nightmare\". Like JJ said, men want \"fix\" things....this can\'t be fixed!
I also had to learn how to educate my family and friends to give me what I needed. Again, NOT fair....but it is my reality.
Tell your husband what you need. Even if screaming at him \"I don\'t know what I need\" is all you can do! I\'ve told my husband to just sit down and shut up.....to hold me until I fall asleep....to get out of house \'cause you\'re driving me nuts....to watch a TV show with me....to drive me nowhere in particular....to tell me something he thinks about when he thinks about Kala.....on and on and on.
There\'s no right or wrong way to survive this nightmare. BUT, I do believe with my whole being that open and honest conversation with those closest to us helps tremendously.
Hang in there baby! You CAN survive this!!
Maybe you could show him some of theses messages as a conversation starter. I did that because I did not know how to explain what I needed. Sometimes men take it better if it is about someone else\'s life. They look at someone else\'s situation and think about how that seems to be so sad and think about changing how they are handling it. It is not such a pride gutting way to see it as it is when their wives try to talk about it. I just ask God to open his eyes and mine to each other\'s point of view. Remember, we were taken out of man\'s body, so they no longer have that part. We are their missing piece and all the feelings that go along with it. I believe it is so we will depend on a God to fill that space. If our longsuffering husbands met all our needs, what would we need God for? I am praying for a flicker of light to brighten the dark places for you. Love, Lauri
Wish I knew someting to say to you to make you feel better. But I went through it all I felt like I was going insane. it has been 10 years I look at her pictures and still can,t believe my only child is dead and gone. Men grive differant. Things will get better for you but not this early. I know with me I tried to stick to my routine it gave me some control over my life. Because everyday I woke up just filled with fear and anxiety. My whole family is dead I have only a sister. And husband and my Rottweilers and chawawa. I feel like an orphan then My daughter and her husband both died to. My heart is still broken. So do what ever you have to do do it. Cry, talk about it your daughter it does help. I did with my sister every day almost for 2 years called her or she called me and we would talk and talk and cry. It does help then For Moms Only helped me alot. you never feel alone. Please don,t stay away. Bless your angel. lots of hugs Mary Ann
I can\'t add a whole lot to that what has been said. However, Teri said exactly what I would offer. Please voice to your husband your needs. I\'m sure it hurts him terribly to see you so sorrowful. He most likely doesn\'t think he knows how to help and that must be frustrating to a man who thinks as himself as provider and the one who takes care of the family. I remember my husband getting so down on himself for thinking that he should have been able to save my son. My son was killed in a tragic car accident. There was nothing my husband could have done but as a husband and father, he said it was his job to take care of everyone. I\'m sure your hubby feels the same. Just ask him to hold you and to cry with you. A simple request that I\'m sure once he does, it will become easier. Love to you and know we have all been in that dark place and in time...a long time, the sun does shine again. Robin
Yes we grieve differently, but it is best to talk about it calmly. Of course, this is easier said than done at times. We are coming on 8 years for our youngest and three and a half for our oldest. I love to hear their names and wish he could talk more of them but am so grateful when he does. I know the love he has for them is bottled up inside. I am so so very happy we had our girls. He was the best father. One day at a time for us all. Love you, Kathy