Sad Encounter
I had an encounter today with a pair of grieving parents. They are only 2 months into the journey, and while trying to carry on it is so apparent, to me anyway, how broken and devastated they are. They looked at me with pleading eyes, as if to say, "You have been here...please help." The energy of grief was so heavy, I tried to think of what it was I was meant to say at that moment. I couldn't think clearly or productively, but I tried. I recommended FMO, a few books that had helped me the most.
I assured them both, hand to God, that even though they can not see it now, it really does get better in time, softer as we say. I also shared how it is not a linear journey, there are peaks and valleys...and when it feels overwhelming, terrifying, they have to come back to the here and now. Most of us do not have the luxury of thinking too far into the future...we have to breathe and remember that we only have to survive one day, one moment at a time. I saw them both visibly relax, I saw the relief in their eyes just by hearing the simple but often forgotten fact that we only have to take another step, take another breath...the future will take care of itself.
It's so important in those early days and all days that we remember to remind each other, "One day at a time."
I felt and feel so inadequate, desperately wanting to help these people...then I remember how much it meant to me to hear the words of other grieving mothers and I am the only person they know that has survived this tragedy, for 1 year and 8 months, an amount of time that was unthinkable to me in those early days.
I get it...I can't "fix" this, not for them, not for me. I just have to surrender to the pain, my false sense of control was only a mirage...I used to be so arrogant, thinking I had everything under control...I GET IT, I GET IT, I GET IT...it has been a wicked lesson to learn.
I assured them both, hand to God, that even though they can not see it now, it really does get better in time, softer as we say. I also shared how it is not a linear journey, there are peaks and valleys...and when it feels overwhelming, terrifying, they have to come back to the here and now. Most of us do not have the luxury of thinking too far into the future...we have to breathe and remember that we only have to survive one day, one moment at a time. I saw them both visibly relax, I saw the relief in their eyes just by hearing the simple but often forgotten fact that we only have to take another step, take another breath...the future will take care of itself.
It's so important in those early days and all days that we remember to remind each other, "One day at a time."
I felt and feel so inadequate, desperately wanting to help these people...then I remember how much it meant to me to hear the words of other grieving mothers and I am the only person they know that has survived this tragedy, for 1 year and 8 months, an amount of time that was unthinkable to me in those early days.
I get it...I can't "fix" this, not for them, not for me. I just have to surrender to the pain, my false sense of control was only a mirage...I used to be so arrogant, thinking I had everything under control...I GET IT, I GET IT, I GET IT...it has been a wicked lesson to learn.
Replies
I am glad you could be a help to them. Two months is still so raw, as I remember being pretty crazy at the time. Not even knowing how my son was buried. (We\'d gotten the phone call that he was dead and buried at 3 in the morning, and I couldn\'t grasp it). No funeral. No last viewing. Just the words.
Soft hugs to you, dear Gina. Love, abby
You did help in ways more than you will ever know. Your presence as a woman, a mother who has survived the worst loss possible offers solace, comfort and so much HOPE.
Also, in those moments when you might doubt and wonder if you are healing, being with this newly bereaved couple is a window into your own soul and path that you are healing because you recognized in them a part of yourself in those very early days, weeks and months.
This takes courage and you used a lot so please be so very gentle with yourself as you reflect. You gave more than you will ever know and they are absorbing it, I have no doubt.
Loving care and I\'m sure Cassi was right beside you, looking after her mom as you gave of herself in this most healing of ways.
Hand in hand and Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
It is so rewarding to be able to reach out to others, take their hand and assure them that they are not lost and alone in their grief. You are a very brave lady! Your beautiful Cassi helped you to give those grieving parents some hope and direction on their journey! xxx
you did good,,,,, love ya!
Bless you Gina. Even though you are in the depths of your own loss & pain, you reach out to others who have lost a child. I saw it for myself at the retreat when you read \"the poem\" to the group. I hope you know how much good you do sweet friend. Praying for continued healing for you & all of us.
Much love
Vicki
Every time you reach out to someone else, you propel your own heart into healing...good for you. Lauri
It is so very hard to help grieving parents and it sounds like you gave them a tool to help themselves when they feel overwhelmed. Sometimes just to speak to another grieving parent is a gift.
Sending tight hugs and love,
Leda
One second at a time one minute at a time.
What wise and wonderful words to share with these newly grieving parents. I know your words brought them hope. It is a long and painful journey but it does get better...and different. Love and gentle hugs...
You have paid it forward yet again my sweet friend. This is our lesson and our gift to each other. One moment, one breath, one day at a time...
Thank you for reaching out....rather, for reaching into their broken hearts and applying a healing balm of LOVE and UNDERSTANDING.
YOU make a difference!
I am going to a meeting on Monday and I will bring your poem, it is okay to share out of this site. Thank you as it truly speaks to me. Hugs, Kathy
You did good ! I found in my path that helping another Mom in turn helped me heal. As Joanie said your help is instrumental in healing both you and the new Mom.
Hugs `~ Penny
You were this couple\'s \'Guide\' as they entered this new & frightening place, on a journey that no one wants to make. You said & did the right things & I\'m sure your help will be very valuable to them as they try to deal with this process.
Hugs,
Donna
You were right where you needed to be at that moment in time. It was such a blessing for that grieving couple and for you!
Love and Hugs,
Diane
Once you have walked the journey of grief, I believe that we become more compassionate, loving and intuitive to others.
One day I was in a store and remember looking--really looking--at others around me. I watched them shop for groceries...some were in a hurry, some strolling, others reading lists or packages...some were obviously overwhelmed with their kids, while others engaged and patient. I watched employees working, some obviously tired or disgruntled or maybe there was something else underneath the surface?
One day I was wearing my FMO t-shirt and that started a conversation with a cashier at the Walmart checkout...I had been through her line many times, but this day she asked me about the shirt. She seemed to soften when I explained a little about the group and she shared that she had just lost her baby a couple of months ago due to developing cervical cancer...we talked for a few more seconds and then as I walked away I noticed that her face had softened. It felt good to see that...it felt good knowing that for a few minutes we connected on the soul level of grieving mothers...no further words were necessary...just our presence with each other gave relief to both of us...me being able to help, and for her being understood. I have been through her line several times since then and she always smiles at me and we talk about our days...if she sees me in another line she makes sure to make eye contact and smiles.
It sounds to me that is what you had. That kind of awareness doesnt come until you have many moments of deeply buried hurt, like you are experiencing with the loss of your precious Cassi. Once a mother has entered this journey and have had every cell in their being ache for their child, your eyes just see people differently. They look more intently. Empathy becomes easier.
For a grieving mother I firmly believe that compassion is involuntary.
You made a difference, Gina. Bravo.
Love,
AnnM