sad and mad and foggy as can be.
venting tender feelings, confusion, hurt and embarrassment before i lose my nerve.
i was picking up bananas, cat food and the like at wal-mart yesterday late afternoon. and i was really really tired..........when i arrived i drove the little cart around and took in the sites. looking at things, having a view different than the one at home.........anyway, i drive over near the produce section and stop.
so tired, trying to regroup, hurting, how am i gonna have enough energy to get home. that wiped out flattened feeling. well on this day i saw that the wet cat food i usually get the cat kids was on sale for a crazy low low price, so i bought a good bit of it. ok, a lot of it........
sorry i can't seem to concentrate......cat food was everywhere in these little cardboard cut open boxes to allow customers easy access to product and i had several cases of the stuff, since it was on sale at 4 can's for a buck vs the usual 60 cents a can. .........sooooo, i'm sitting there and a few feet away a man calls out to me, beckons me to come over. i roll closer and he is selling the paper. i can't talk because every time i open my mouth i yawn continuously.
i've had this continuous yawn for as long as i've been ill........it happens when i'm really low on energy and it feels like i can't get enough air to process breathing and speaking simultaneously. while this is happening i have no ability to stop the yawning.......and it is the center of things when it happens because folks tend to make jokes like "I'm sorry if I'm boring you" or sometimes they express concern "didn't you sleep well last night?"..........how do you explain to someone. to anyone for that matter that despite the excessive sleep i often go through i am never really rested. i wake feeling exhausted day after day after year after year.......but i digress.
so here is the energetic enthusiastic salesman who only hears yes........and he is selling me a subscription. the truth is i like and miss the paper, but i can't keep up with it like a lot of other things. once in a blue moon i pick up a sunday paper and enjoy it like chocolate. savor getting to read it......savor the smell of the paper even.........yup, very foggy.
so the guy is talking and says he can understand that daily delivery is too much for me and so he offers sunday delivery only and then he overcomes my inability to get the paper by saying that they will put it on my porch.........and then he hands me a ticket for some kind of raffle and then asks me if it's to be debit or credit and before i know it.......my cans of cat food are spilled all through my cart, cause he is now helping me by retrieving my buried purse from under the cat can food mountain and somewehre on the inside i wish i were home asleep
.......i am a new subscriber apparently.......and although i am not without my faculties on this day i am not with my faculties either.
on top of it the man gave me discount gift cards to offset the cost of my purchases and by the time i drove off towards the bananas i felt like i'd been through a salestorm of some magnitude and escaped confused and tried hard to remember what was left on my list. eggs, bananas, yogurt, hamburger.......go home kid.
so at check out i tried to rally what i had left to straighten up the cart.......but i was overwhelmed again. i was wrestling with the items and it seemed to me that the check out lady was being extremely focused on ringing things up to the point that she was truly unaware that i was struggling or she didn't want to help...........i really wasn't sure. but i suppose at this point i was so tired that i was struggling to hold on to my stupid dignity ........but in the end i blurted out "I really need some help here, I can't do this......" and then bit my lip hard so as not to cry. I HATE crying in public, ok I hate crying pretty much always.........crying is exhausting, not really cathartic, I can't afford to give up the remains of my energy for tears, I have to be able to get home.
So........she does help me, I express a lot of appreciation for her help and I am genuinely impressed with the way she packs the items in a well organized manner in my cart.........most folks can't do it half so well.........., i can't seem to bypass rambling.......i'm flaring my foggy buns off.
well so now here it is the next day..........i am looking at the complimentary copy of last week's Sunday paper, i have received an e-mailed receipt to the paper........i try to access my account, but I can't get in. I call the local number, the line is warbly and staticky........oh dear, so I call the 800 number. this one seems to be alright, so I settle in to try to figure out what numbers to push.
press one if you're dying, press two if you dying to cancel, press three if you're dying and want to cancel and you're about to cry. press four if you wish you didn't have to hold for any voicemail systems ever again. press five if you think you speak english, press six if you have celebrated ten or more birthdays while on hold today, press seven if you want to fast track express check out to heaven, press eight if you want a massage from quietly handsome Milo......press nine if you want a room at the inn.
sorry off i go .....on a wisp of fog. i finally got a young lady named Britney on the line and explained what had happened. i felt foolish and beyond embarrassed that i was too wonky to put my tiny little foot down and kibosh this sales situation. truly. the guy was as gungho as i was malleable at that moment. he heard zero objections because he is trained to ignore them.........i was telling him no in that roundabout polite way of mine......but in this moment it was a perfect storm. i was too bendy mentally to say back off jack........and he was too on point to see me as a tired exhausted beyond decision making at that time.......so he was either genuinely thinking i was saying yes i'd love to try your paper.......or he pounced on a very tired old lady......either way I felt that the normal me would have managed it well, but the exhausted me somehow found it easier to go along so i could get past the barrier keeping me from finishing my list. he being the barrier.
i am not proud of this......i feel hurt and embarrassed and stupid. but not too stupid to not fix it and make it right. so now i have cancelled the script, i am paying for the discount cards i used at check out, totaling ten dollars......and as i was doing all of this, i got hit with a huge wave of unavoidable tears.
i asked her to hold a sec......to gather my composure and i thought i was ok, but no i was not. i was ready for a full on hiccuppy kind of tear session. the former me would have managed this better, but this tired exhausted girl didn't do it well.......thank God it was a small amount of money and it was easily remedied. i hadn't just signed off on a new car or bought vacation property or some other wild and crazy nonsense.
the big reason i am so upset i think is because there are times when illness makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. i need to double my efforts to pray, to be in care of myself, of rest.........to recognize when i need help........to pray for more hands on support to help me function better...........i don't know, i try really hard to do a good job and in many ways i think i do ........but when it's flare time, when my body is sore and hurting, my eyes are crossing from exhaustion. and i think i should have waited a few more days to go out..........but my goodness a person can't treat one's self like a hostile witness on the witness stand.......i overdid it by going out, i am very glad to have fresh bananas and i know the cats will be loving their windfall of yummy scrumptious cat food over the next by and by........but i hate crying. still, always will i suppose.
cathartic or not.......i feel good when it's tears of joy or a minor leak but when i am illness exhausted crying is so hard on the body, my chest hurts in the esophagus region from crying........hell i don't know sometimes. i need a hug, how bout you, could you use a hug? thanks for letting me blabber and blather on..........i am going to take a few days to be quiet. to do less than nothing and just breathe.
want to be able to function to go to family birthday dinner for sam whenever that may be.......if sara is well enough today she and her Dad are going watch shopping. hugs to all. my brain doesn't feel attached.........foggy and cloggy and so tired. feels relentless......the tired i mean. oppressive even, gotta lean in and remember to just float......................................
i was picking up bananas, cat food and the like at wal-mart yesterday late afternoon. and i was really really tired..........when i arrived i drove the little cart around and took in the sites. looking at things, having a view different than the one at home.........anyway, i drive over near the produce section and stop.
so tired, trying to regroup, hurting, how am i gonna have enough energy to get home. that wiped out flattened feeling. well on this day i saw that the wet cat food i usually get the cat kids was on sale for a crazy low low price, so i bought a good bit of it. ok, a lot of it........
sorry i can't seem to concentrate......cat food was everywhere in these little cardboard cut open boxes to allow customers easy access to product and i had several cases of the stuff, since it was on sale at 4 can's for a buck vs the usual 60 cents a can. .........sooooo, i'm sitting there and a few feet away a man calls out to me, beckons me to come over. i roll closer and he is selling the paper. i can't talk because every time i open my mouth i yawn continuously.
i've had this continuous yawn for as long as i've been ill........it happens when i'm really low on energy and it feels like i can't get enough air to process breathing and speaking simultaneously. while this is happening i have no ability to stop the yawning.......and it is the center of things when it happens because folks tend to make jokes like "I'm sorry if I'm boring you" or sometimes they express concern "didn't you sleep well last night?"..........how do you explain to someone. to anyone for that matter that despite the excessive sleep i often go through i am never really rested. i wake feeling exhausted day after day after year after year.......but i digress.
so here is the energetic enthusiastic salesman who only hears yes........and he is selling me a subscription. the truth is i like and miss the paper, but i can't keep up with it like a lot of other things. once in a blue moon i pick up a sunday paper and enjoy it like chocolate. savor getting to read it......savor the smell of the paper even.........yup, very foggy.
so the guy is talking and says he can understand that daily delivery is too much for me and so he offers sunday delivery only and then he overcomes my inability to get the paper by saying that they will put it on my porch.........and then he hands me a ticket for some kind of raffle and then asks me if it's to be debit or credit and before i know it.......my cans of cat food are spilled all through my cart, cause he is now helping me by retrieving my buried purse from under the cat can food mountain and somewehre on the inside i wish i were home asleep
.......i am a new subscriber apparently.......and although i am not without my faculties on this day i am not with my faculties either.
on top of it the man gave me discount gift cards to offset the cost of my purchases and by the time i drove off towards the bananas i felt like i'd been through a salestorm of some magnitude and escaped confused and tried hard to remember what was left on my list. eggs, bananas, yogurt, hamburger.......go home kid.
so at check out i tried to rally what i had left to straighten up the cart.......but i was overwhelmed again. i was wrestling with the items and it seemed to me that the check out lady was being extremely focused on ringing things up to the point that she was truly unaware that i was struggling or she didn't want to help...........i really wasn't sure. but i suppose at this point i was so tired that i was struggling to hold on to my stupid dignity ........but in the end i blurted out "I really need some help here, I can't do this......" and then bit my lip hard so as not to cry. I HATE crying in public, ok I hate crying pretty much always.........crying is exhausting, not really cathartic, I can't afford to give up the remains of my energy for tears, I have to be able to get home.
So........she does help me, I express a lot of appreciation for her help and I am genuinely impressed with the way she packs the items in a well organized manner in my cart.........most folks can't do it half so well.........., i can't seem to bypass rambling.......i'm flaring my foggy buns off.
well so now here it is the next day..........i am looking at the complimentary copy of last week's Sunday paper, i have received an e-mailed receipt to the paper........i try to access my account, but I can't get in. I call the local number, the line is warbly and staticky........oh dear, so I call the 800 number. this one seems to be alright, so I settle in to try to figure out what numbers to push.
press one if you're dying, press two if you dying to cancel, press three if you're dying and want to cancel and you're about to cry. press four if you wish you didn't have to hold for any voicemail systems ever again. press five if you think you speak english, press six if you have celebrated ten or more birthdays while on hold today, press seven if you want to fast track express check out to heaven, press eight if you want a massage from quietly handsome Milo......press nine if you want a room at the inn.
sorry off i go .....on a wisp of fog. i finally got a young lady named Britney on the line and explained what had happened. i felt foolish and beyond embarrassed that i was too wonky to put my tiny little foot down and kibosh this sales situation. truly. the guy was as gungho as i was malleable at that moment. he heard zero objections because he is trained to ignore them.........i was telling him no in that roundabout polite way of mine......but in this moment it was a perfect storm. i was too bendy mentally to say back off jack........and he was too on point to see me as a tired exhausted beyond decision making at that time.......so he was either genuinely thinking i was saying yes i'd love to try your paper.......or he pounced on a very tired old lady......either way I felt that the normal me would have managed it well, but the exhausted me somehow found it easier to go along so i could get past the barrier keeping me from finishing my list. he being the barrier.
i am not proud of this......i feel hurt and embarrassed and stupid. but not too stupid to not fix it and make it right. so now i have cancelled the script, i am paying for the discount cards i used at check out, totaling ten dollars......and as i was doing all of this, i got hit with a huge wave of unavoidable tears.
i asked her to hold a sec......to gather my composure and i thought i was ok, but no i was not. i was ready for a full on hiccuppy kind of tear session. the former me would have managed this better, but this tired exhausted girl didn't do it well.......thank God it was a small amount of money and it was easily remedied. i hadn't just signed off on a new car or bought vacation property or some other wild and crazy nonsense.
the big reason i am so upset i think is because there are times when illness makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. i need to double my efforts to pray, to be in care of myself, of rest.........to recognize when i need help........to pray for more hands on support to help me function better...........i don't know, i try really hard to do a good job and in many ways i think i do ........but when it's flare time, when my body is sore and hurting, my eyes are crossing from exhaustion. and i think i should have waited a few more days to go out..........but my goodness a person can't treat one's self like a hostile witness on the witness stand.......i overdid it by going out, i am very glad to have fresh bananas and i know the cats will be loving their windfall of yummy scrumptious cat food over the next by and by........but i hate crying. still, always will i suppose.
cathartic or not.......i feel good when it's tears of joy or a minor leak but when i am illness exhausted crying is so hard on the body, my chest hurts in the esophagus region from crying........hell i don't know sometimes. i need a hug, how bout you, could you use a hug? thanks for letting me blabber and blather on..........i am going to take a few days to be quiet. to do less than nothing and just breathe.
want to be able to function to go to family birthday dinner for sam whenever that may be.......if sara is well enough today she and her Dad are going watch shopping. hugs to all. my brain doesn't feel attached.........foggy and cloggy and so tired. feels relentless......the tired i mean. oppressive even, gotta lean in and remember to just float......................................
Replies
Wow. That was sme experience. it reminds me of all the ,ones I have lost over the last year because I was just flat out unable to deal with things where barriers are put up to make it difficult to get things handled. I\'m sick of being sick, that\'s for sure.
Oh my, I\'ve had that happen, say yes to just get them away from me so I can do my errand and go home and deal with consequences later.... You are a Champion SuperWoman to do what you did, never doubt it.
I hate exhausted-crying too. Emotional crying ears me out but at least I\'m released from the emotion after--- and sleep a while---- but yes, that too-tired-overwhelmed-crying? Oh, sweet friend, I wish I had been there, and wecould have talked about that voicemail system being that way and laughed our way out of the tears together:-)
Imagine my furry purr cradling you to gentle rest, and we are all here, each of us lending you an arm to share the hug and hold you safe.:-)
Leo.
......good grief, what is going on with me. i took pain medicine and prayed to sleep. woke up five hours later, called Sam to see how his birthday went.....got off the phone and burst into tears again. what is going on with me? is this normal for me on the crash flare crap days? am i forgetting that i turn into a leaky faced baby girl? is this part of coming off the brintellix maybe? the pain in my back has lowered and that is good. i feel like i am slip sliding backwards somehow...........thinking that maybe my inflammation levels are up really high and that is why i am shivering in July......cold tootsies, feeling like refried crud.
if i shed the tears outside will pretty flowers grow????
i am baking a no preservatives chicken pot pie, it takes 65 - 70 minutes.......and i have some applesauce. feel like a little kid right now.......ever see them lifting up their arms to an adult wanting to be picked up and held?
that\'s what i need......to be rocked, cradled and held.
tired and sick, sick and tired. gotta take it easy when we get hit by the illness mack truck......feel mowed down. flattened. Lord, baby me........in your name, Amen.
Oh dearest Ruthie, don\'t be too hard on yourself and please dont feel embarrassed. You did make it home alive, so congratulations on that because you are so unwell right now.I am a bit hairy at that guy pinning you down like that for the kill, but hey you got him right back and have already cancelled.So no problemo, that\'s one sale he deserved to miss out on.How dare he take advantage of my special friend when she was having a bad day and so vulnerable.Hey Ruthie, one time when my husband was in hospital with a heart problem, just last year actually.Anyway, I drove to a shopping centre only 15 mins from here, parked and walked to the bank and back to the car.I should never have driven as I was so weak and dizzy.Anyway I needed to eat inorder to drive back home but felt too faint to walk back inside for food.I sat in the car and sobbed, feeling like I was stranded and an idiot for going out in the first place.After 5mins or so, I got out and banged on the car window of a young indigenous boy sitting beside me in the car park.At first he was too scared to wind down his window.Who could blame him, I looked like a luny tune for sure.Anyway, I begged him to go inside the centre and buy me a salad sandwich so I could drive back home.I said I would shout him one as well, and hd said no thanks.So yep he did it , I ate it, and I made it home without crashing the car.You are not alone my dear friend, I have many more embarrassing stories for a later date.So glad you shared your outing with us and your honest feelings, that\'s one of the many things we love about you.Now just think about all the other times when your trips have been totally fine and don\'t even give this one another thought.You are precious, Ruthie blue eyes Much love xo
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((HHHHHHUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGG))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))XXOO
thank you so much............i am wobbly .......hard to read, think ....function. feels like my brain was in a vice last night. vision funky.......back pain a little better but it seems to worsen during the day. i am ready to half my left tail cheek removed, drowned........left across the state line.......is it legal to leave a body part in another state? i suppose if it was a donated organ, but who would ever want half a tail cheek??? nobody that\'s who............sigh, i\'m an idiot..........a very very grateful idiot to have wonderful friends who understand the tough scary days, the days we feel vulnerable and afraid and we are blessed to live to tell the tale.............praying for ya\'ll and grateful/honored to know people with such integrity and fine character as ya\'ll. hugs, ruthie bird
ditto ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs hugs hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) wish I could deliver them in person! I\'m sorry you are struggling, but you know what? You are OK just as you are. Emotional or not, tired or not, you are OK. Society has its ideas, but the real truth is that we are OK just as we are today, as God made us, flaws and all. Having a bad day doesn\'t make us an idiot any more than not finding a parking place makes us a bad driver. Sometimes we just have to accept ourselves as we are and throw what we imagine as other people\'s opinions out with the bath water. As I saw in a movie recently ... let troubles pass through ... open both doors when a storm comes, so trouble doesn\'t get stuck in our heart and take up residence there. Oh, such good stuff LOL. Prayers and hugs for you, my wonderful friend.
P.S. I have come to have the M.O. of putting my hand up to talky salesy people. They never have anything I truly want and even if it is something I want, I never want it in the manner they are offering it (too much) so I just keep moving and say \"have a nice day\" ... cause I know I might have trouble saying no. : (