Sad and Lonely!

May 7:  I have been in such a funk!  I think it is because Melisa's date is May 24th, Scott's is June 17th, and Mother's Day is just around the corner.  Also, I am so ready for my summer break!  And, finances are as low as they have ever been!  Too much, too much!
Every day I hope this journey will get easier.  It doesn't.  It will be three years, in June, since Scott died.  On one hand it still doesn't seem real.  On the other, it is all too real.  I miss him more and more with every passing day.  It is hard for me to realize it has been almost three years.  I feel stuck.  That day is forever in my mind.  That ache is forever in my heart.  How does one ever move forward?
And yet, forward I go.  I continue with my job.  I have a grand-daughter due the 18th of May. (I am terrified of loving another child so much)  My husband has vacation plans and, as such, so do I.  Do I care????  No, not so much.  I am so reclusive these days.  I have always leaned that direction.  But now, I am totally about NOT being around anyone.  The mask just gets too heavy, sometimes.
And my husband.....I don't even know how we are still married.  I do love him and he loves me....I know that for sure.  But, we rarely do anything together and conversation is less than I have with complete strangers.  It seems to be just out of habit, in a way.  And, at this stage of my life, I am not willing to give up the things I do have.  I am way too old and too tired to start anything new.  I just don't have the energy.  I want my home, my security, my "sameness".  But, it all makes me very lonely.
Oh, me....  On my pity party.... I will wake up tomorrow and do it all over again.  I still fail to see the point of any of it.

Replies

Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

I hear you on so many levels and am so very sorry that this is such a fragile and low time. What I am sensing is a deep hole/depression and many of us here know what this feels like. Each of us trying to discern what may work for us whether it\'s a visit to the doctor, meeting with a counselor/therapist, a clergy person, a grief group, reading books that are helpful, serving in some way, exercising... There is no time table for this journey yet one thing I have noticed is that none of us are meant to live without some peace and a sense of happiness for the rest of our lives. I will be thinking of you and sending you a big hug. You are not alone and we are all companions and members of a club that none of us would have ever signed up for. Please take care of yourself and get out and feel some sunshine on your face and breathe deeply. You are so worthy of finding your smile once again. Love to you, Joanie
KandL
KandL

My dear, dear friend, I am so sorry that you are in such pain. As far as a pity party, don\'t worry, I\'ve been there & had them & I\'m sure more are on the horizon. You are doing as well as you can & I am so proud of you for journaling & reaching out. Mother\'s Day is approaching & we will get through it. We moms here have been through so much worse. I pray you feel Scott & Melissa\'s love span eternity to reach you in this life. Counseling has helped me as well as a low dosage of an antidepressant. If you feel you should as Joanie said try a group or a counselor.Please don\'t be afraid to love you new grandchild. She\'ll need you in her life & you\'ll be blessed to have her. No one knows what tomorrow brings. (I don\'t have to tell you that). Soak up the love & give your love freely. In the final analysis what is more precious than love - it never fails. I will pray for you & your husband. I\'m sure he is in his own kind of pain. Just try to connect on whatever level you can right now. There is no right or wrong to this journey. I send you love, peace & light for Mother\'s day & everyday. Take good care of you. Love always, your friend Linda
JerryJsMom
JerryJsMom

Ginger ~~ I could have wrote this entry myself.....I SO relate to what you are saying and feeling. It\'s been 2 1/2 years for me and I just don\'t see how living without Jerry is going to get any easier. I, too have become reclusive to the point that my anxiety level goes up with just going to the grocery store.

I haven\'t journaled regularly in quite some time and that\'s because I, too feel \"stuck\". I don\'t feel I have anything positive to share with other mom\'s.....so I don\'t share.

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I don\'t. All I can do is give you my love and understanding and wishes that one day the sun will again shine on you. *Hug* Adrianne
JerryJsMom
JerryJsMom

Ginger ~~ I could have wrote this entry myself.....I SO relate to what you are saying and feeling. It\'s been 2 1/2 years for me and I just don\'t see how living without Jerry is going to get any easier. I, too have become reclusive to the point that my anxiety level goes up with just going to the grocery store.

I haven\'t journaled regularly in quite some time and that\'s because I, too feel \"stuck\". I don\'t feel I have anything positive to share with other mom\'s.....so I don\'t share.

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I don\'t. All I can do is give you my love and understanding and wishes that one day the sun will again shine on you. *Hug* Adrianne
rcoco
rcoco

I can relate to so much of what you say, and I am sorry you are in that low place. I think being honest about it takes courage. I am surely not the same person I was 16 months ago. In spite of much adversity I always remained optimistic and active. Now, an inertia has settled over me, and like you describe I have become a hermit of sorts. We can only continue forward and hope to recover our passion for life.
It doesn\'t help that I am living with and caring for my 89 year old mom. She refuses assisted living and I don\'t have the, whatever it takes, to abandon her and force the decision.
I hope your grandbaby will brighten your days. There is nothing like a pink precious baby, you\'ll see!
hugs, Rebecca
deleted_user
deleted_user

Ginger, I know how you feel about the husband. It seems like they don\'t want anything to do with what has happened to there child. It is like it never happened but that they might be on a very long vacation or something like that. Just remember that the grandbaby is going to bring joy into your life. I know you are so afraid to love again. Hope to see you next Saturday at the lunch. But if baby comes we will understand you not being there.....Hugs, Connie
Robin4
Robin4

Ginger, it\'s good to hear from you. I\"m sorry you are \"stuck\". Sometimes I too still feel that way. You are right, some how we just keep going. It\'s like we are on auto pilot most days. I hope the new little grandbaby in your family and the vacations will lift your spirits and you will find that sunshine. Love to you. Robin
biowoman
biowoman

yeah...I think we all feel the way you describe many dayms if not all days. I do feel better than I did three years ago (May 18th)...but life sure is different. I am grateful for good days where I truly enjoy things...love to you...Karen
deleted_user
deleted_user

Ginger there seems to be more than one of us in this boat. That could be me writing. I really am a hermit now except for work. It\'s funny how some manage to move forward and be, if not happy, at least content with moments of happiness, and some of us turn inwards and become less. Wish I had the answers for us all. Love and hugs Cathy