Sad and Lonely!
May 7: I have been in such a funk! I think it is because Melisa's date is May 24th, Scott's is June 17th, and Mother's Day is just around the corner. Also, I am so ready for my summer break! And, finances are as low as they have ever been! Too much, too much!
Every day I hope this journey will get easier. It doesn't. It will be three years, in June, since Scott died. On one hand it still doesn't seem real. On the other, it is all too real. I miss him more and more with every passing day. It is hard for me to realize it has been almost three years. I feel stuck. That day is forever in my mind. That ache is forever in my heart. How does one ever move forward?
And yet, forward I go. I continue with my job. I have a grand-daughter due the 18th of May. (I am terrified of loving another child so much) My husband has vacation plans and, as such, so do I. Do I care???? No, not so much. I am so reclusive these days. I have always leaned that direction. But now, I am totally about NOT being around anyone. The mask just gets too heavy, sometimes.
And my husband.....I don't even know how we are still married. I do love him and he loves me....I know that for sure. But, we rarely do anything together and conversation is less than I have with complete strangers. It seems to be just out of habit, in a way. And, at this stage of my life, I am not willing to give up the things I do have. I am way too old and too tired to start anything new. I just don't have the energy. I want my home, my security, my "sameness". But, it all makes me very lonely.
Oh, me.... On my pity party.... I will wake up tomorrow and do it all over again. I still fail to see the point of any of it.
Every day I hope this journey will get easier. It doesn't. It will be three years, in June, since Scott died. On one hand it still doesn't seem real. On the other, it is all too real. I miss him more and more with every passing day. It is hard for me to realize it has been almost three years. I feel stuck. That day is forever in my mind. That ache is forever in my heart. How does one ever move forward?
And yet, forward I go. I continue with my job. I have a grand-daughter due the 18th of May. (I am terrified of loving another child so much) My husband has vacation plans and, as such, so do I. Do I care???? No, not so much. I am so reclusive these days. I have always leaned that direction. But now, I am totally about NOT being around anyone. The mask just gets too heavy, sometimes.
And my husband.....I don't even know how we are still married. I do love him and he loves me....I know that for sure. But, we rarely do anything together and conversation is less than I have with complete strangers. It seems to be just out of habit, in a way. And, at this stage of my life, I am not willing to give up the things I do have. I am way too old and too tired to start anything new. I just don't have the energy. I want my home, my security, my "sameness". But, it all makes me very lonely.
Oh, me.... On my pity party.... I will wake up tomorrow and do it all over again. I still fail to see the point of any of it.
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