Sad Day

I felt as if I was doing ok until in church when the young woman with the beautiful voice and the keyboard, and the young man with the guitar sang a beautiful song that I had never heard before about God, and God being a mystery, and being love, etc.  Suddenly all I could see in my mind was Stan's face and I started to cry.  I felt so stupid!  I just sat there pressing a tissue to my mouth, looking at an electrical switch on another wall, trying to pull it together.  Since I am not very well known at this new church, I can imagine some people probably wondered what was wrong - they would not have known that I am widowed and that music keeps hitting me the wrong way.  I thought about leaving, but that would really have looked conspicuous, so I just stayed put.  I was ok with the rest of the service, but the day just went downhill from there.  The day finished with my looking at the pink clouds at sunset and remembering how Stan and I used to often sit outside and watch the sunset together.  I missed him so much today. I am so TIRED!  I am so overwhelmed by the upcoming move which has been delayed by 2 weeks because the management cannot get the apartment ready on schedule.  I am so SICK of looking for work - it's been over a year now, and by now I don't feel qualified to even do anything anymore!  I am tired of feeling that my life is on permanent "hold" - that I can't plan anything for the future because I'm so afraid the money's going to run out before I get a job.  I'm sick of walking around with a cane and a limp as a result of the sprained ankle.  I feel old and worn out.  I am tired of being scolded and threatened by the Unemployment people and the site manager, and everybody else who has any kind of authority or power over me.  I feel as if I have no self confidence any more.  I am trying to see a Divine Plan here, but it's getting harder and harder.  I need to feel good about life again, and I need for my life to make sense.  I wonder, is it because I'm 60, is it because I'm widowed, that everything has become so impossibly hard?  Or would all these problems have happened anyway?  

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'m sorry it\'s been such a tough day. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now and I\'m sure that has to be hard along with the pain that you are feeling while mourning. You have every right to feel upset and sad but maybe tomorrow will be a day with a little less worry and sadness. I will pray for you. Blessings, Janet