Sad
Hi sisters...68 degrees here in the Sunshine State, the air is crisp. We all know what that means, holidays.
I want to say I can't wait for the time to come when holidays are not so hard, but some of you are many, many years ahead of me and still have a hard time...so I don't know if that is a reasonable hope...especially with no other children or grandchildren to even put on an act for.
It has been a hard week. A friend, well, once my best friend, who dumped me a few months after losing Cassi, is still apparently criticising me for not getting over my loss, posting too much about Cassi on Facebook, etc...Now, mind you, it was maybe 8 months after I lost Cassi when she started avoiding me and finally told me she just didn't have time for me any more and couldn't do anything for me...because I just cried and cried. This was the first person I called...the person that went with us that day, the first day...spoke ay Cassi's funeral...who I never thought would turn on me, but she did. I thought I was pretty much over it (the friend), but another friend told me about overhearing her talking about me continuing to grieve my child "for attention".
So...feeling a bit sorry for myself, feeling sorry in general. Feeling alone...I try to talk to my mother but she either turns it into being about her, or starts in with her Jesus stuff...not that I have any problem with Jesus...but she leans to the old ways, taking the Bible literally. T%hat's her way, which is fine, but I have asked her time and again to lay off and she just seems incapable of doing so. She tellsme Cassi wouldn't want me to be sad, I tell her Cassi understands. It doesn't get through, she just wants me to stop crying too.
My husband, sorry if it sounds crass, just wants my pants off...and gets angry if denied. I believe he is obsessed, maybe even addicted. The partner he needs is certainly not me...I would be happy to never remove my panties except when bathing. We are from one extreme to another. I know my sexuality is not healthy nor normal either, but I don't know what to do about it. My anti-depressant shuts down sex drive and I can't live without my anti-depressant, so...I just go along to get along. I won't change my medication, I have tried before and it has been a disaster. I refuse to live feeling the way I feel without it just so my libido might come back, and no other medication works the same on me.
Goddamnit!!! She wrecked my life. She could have breathed through that day...just made it to the next day, then the next...like I am doing now. She knew it too...she knew it would kill me. She just didn't know I would't have the nerve to kill myself, that I would keep walking...walking dead.
Still wanting to run away, even leave the country. No matter which way this election goes, we are permanently damaged. There is so much division and hate. I used to believe we were headed towards unity..now I wonder if this election has caused the divide, or even worse, if the division was already there, just hidden from dreamers like me. The only problem is, an it's a big one, is that the most desirable countries are also the hardest to get citizenship into...like Canada...Oh, Canada...you know how much I love you and you won't have me. There again, even if I could run away from it "all", the most important thing would follow me...I can never get away from losing Cassi. I can't start over when I can't leave her behind. I may not be explaining it right, but I bet a lot of moms know what I mean.
Sad Saturday...sorry sisters...I have nowhere else to go.
Replies
Oh, Gina... My heart feels yours in your journal and some days are ones just like this one that you wish Cassi had been able to breathe through. I'm not sure how any of us make it, yet we do each in our own way and in our own time.
SO much in life we cannot control, yet who we allow into our circle as our friends we can. I don't believe that a friend tells another what someone else is saying about them. Perhaps that is just me, yet it is something I learned early that it only causes more pain and never seems to do anything that is positive, yet make the one who is being spoken about feel pretty horrible.
Sadness becomes an ever present companion on this path and I know that I shared what a dear fried of mine said to me on Douglas' fifth angel day three years ago, "It matters not if it is five weeks, five months, five years, five decades... It's all the same in the heart of a mother." I have had SO many people share things with me, yet this one has is etched into my heart because it helps me to remember that I need to be ever so gentle with myself when I feel deep sadness no matter how much time has passed.
Gentle, gentle care dearest Gina, and feel however you need to feel and know that you are received here with the utmost of understanding. This is where we hold one another and remind one another that we can do this individually and collectively, one breath and heartbeat at a time. You are doing it, Gina, and for today that IS all that matters.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
There were so many along the journey that could not support me...they thought they were. They thought they had the solution to my "problem"--including my husband, my mother and sisters.
i had one friend that honestly told me that "she could not be there for me--that she did not have the words or tools to help me...that she loved me, but could not bear the pain" (she was very close to my and my children)--believe it or not, her honesty was comforting to me. Others had the same opinions as yours--too much mourning, attention seeking.
Others (including my mother) wanted me to "not speak of him again--it was better that way."
Men deal with grief differently...some men need to feel connected and perhaps this is why he is seeking out sex. Women talk/connect verbally. I found FMO, counseling, groups and self-help tools, including journaling to help me. The dark days are dark and the good days are bright...it happens ever so slowly, then one day you notice that you are having more good than bad days...hang in there Gina. We are here for you.
Gentle care
Ann
I understand people think it will all go away. Boy are they wearing rose colored glasses. Not that I wish this journey on anyone but they need to walk a day in our shoes. Time and support helps, we are your support system and time does what it does. Do you have a counselor to go to ? It really does help they do not judge but give you tools to work with to help you get through the day.
Tight hugs
Penny