Ryans younger years of overwhelming feelings

           Since Ryan was little I always had these scary, overwhelming feelings of certain things that he did or things that happened to him, made me feel fearful. He was a dare devil, always wanting to be a tough guy, like his dad. The person he really was, was a person with a heart of gold...Ryan liked to laugh, made people laugh. He had a way about him, if he did something wrong, no-one could get mad at him, b/c his laugh & smile would melt you. Growing up, Ryan was proud to be who he was, and proud of his things. He was very organized, everything he did was to the best of his ability, he loved sports, baseball was his favorite, soccer, basketball, skate boarding, water skiing, knee boarding, wake boarding, downhill snow boarding...His dad & I bought 3 dirt bikes, couple of snowmobiles, even a 4- wheeler... My brother bought a camp on a lake, so I had to go out and buy a boat of course. Why not, we had all the other toys!  Something to do for each season... I remember when, I use to say joking around," whoever dies with the most toys wins". Just for shits, and grins, not thinking that my son was in the big picture. Meaning, it was in the plan's for Ryan to die.  I believe, all these overwhelming feelings throughout the years, I had fear,  as if I was playing dot to dot...Now looking back on events, of certain things that happen, like coming home from work, and seeing the cord to my vacuum cleaner cut, with the cord still hanging out of the wall plug outlet. I looked on the floor finding my expensive hair cutting sissors, with a big black hole in them.

               
Thank God he didn’t get electrocuted.(Ryan was around 6 years old then). See Ryan was the youngest boy in the neighborhood. I had to explain to Ryan quite often through the years, not to be a show off, b/c he will get hurt someday. I think the reason why I had alot of fear is b/c of the things his father use to do. I always wondered how his dad made it through his childhood, that was a miracle in itself. We had a river down the street where we were living at the time..Ryan's dad would take him down ice fishing, when Ryan was 4 years old. I would go out of my mind, when ice season came around every year. Like I said the older boy's, my nephew, and the boy next door to us, were 3 years older than Ryan. They would ride their bikes down to the river all year round, even in the winter, if the roads were clear ..I had to let Ryan know, how the older boy's would try to get the youngest boy to be the daring one...and most of the time something bad would happen.. I always felt uneasy about my son showing off, and something bad was gonna happen to him.. Now looking back at life, I believe these fearful glimpes, I had, was a God thing...
Baseball was Ryan's favorite sport. The kids looked up to him. He took the games very serious. He would tell the guy's, to pay attention, and no fooling around.  If he stole base, he would slide into the base,  as though he was a famous baseball player.lol. He would run to catch a high fly ball, jump high in the air, and fall on his back, and still have the ball in his glove, he would lay there as though he was dead, so I thought. When he played soccer, he would play goalie, which he didn't like playing that position. The coaches put him in that position, b/c he didn't have fear of getting kicked him in the head, he would stretch across the goaley net,  almost getting a foot or ball knocked into his head. (I didn't like watching that)                                 
When Ryan was 12 years old, my nephew 15 years of age, decided to make glass bombs with baking soda & Vinegar together in glass bottles, and would throw them at rocks. The bottles would exploded, glass would fly all over the place. It was very dangerous. I didn't catch what was going on until I found a huge box of baking soda. I never saw a box of baking soda so big, right then & there I ran outside, as one of the kids told me what they were doing.. I told them to stop doing that, b/c someone was gonna get hurt.. So everything calmed down for awhile.. all of a sudden, I saw Ryan running down the road screaming & crying mom mom mom. I saw him running down the street with blood pumping out of his neck. My brother who lived across the street, heard it, and came storming out his front door of his house. He laid Ryan down on the ground and saw a huge piece of glass in his neck, my brother took the glass out of his neck, and pressed his finger in his neck to stop the bleeding. I called 911, we all were so scared Ryan was gonna bleed to death. I had all these thoughts going around in my head. I kept praying to God that he wouldn't die. I was thinking OMG, is this Ryans time to go, it was horrible. I road to the hospital in the ambulance. When the Doctor took a look at it, he told Ryan, if he was a cat, and had 9 lives, he lost one of them.  Ryan had 42 stitches in his neck. It was a hugh scar.. Oh that incident happened on Halloween, trick or treat night..(Ryan's angel date was Easter Weekend, 6 years later)... I now Thank God, for the gift of having Ryan for those extra 6 years. Ryan had several other experiences, events that had happened, through the years, I could go on and on and on . I 'll continue more story's soon.. I have so many stories, I get overwhelmed, I can't write a thing, I am working on this issue. I should of been writing right along, I wouldn't of been so overwhelmed...That is me, I can complicate the hell out of things.....I miss you Ryan, and am looking forward to seeing you someday. For now I am gonna live life the way you would want me to. I want you to be proud of me, as I was of you, my sweet precious boy. I can't wait to see you again,  but until then, I cherish your wishes to take care of your sister. I heard only 1 word, that you yelled out to me in my dream, and the word was" ERICA"...I know you wanted me to know, to watch out for Erica. I tell Erica all the time you are watching over her, and she says "I know".  We both have these deep talks about how we know, when you are near us.. We share our experiences with each other...   We both love & miss you sooooo much!!!   LOVE, MOM            
 PS... I've been trying to get brave and write a journal about the accidental drug overdose.. I have commented, about it here and there on other friends journals, but you only get  bits & pieces that way..I'll get there my friends, I'm not going anywhere..xoxo, Kelly