running on steroid nervous energy........yikes......xoxo

the injection for my cervical spine has pushed me into a nervous energy orbit.  the heck of it is that i'm supposed to lay low, be quiet and still.  do little to nothing for a few days.  i don't know if i can.

wired to the hilt.  my brain is awake. running like a fast engine.......the idle is off.  that is the power of cortisone steroid injections.  so many things i wanna do........now.  where to start........and then i say NO LADY, be cool, chill out.  relax......find something quiet to do.

i want to blow out the garage with my trusty leaf blower.  organize the christmas ornament shelves.  I put things up, but not very neatly.....sort of crammed it all in and called it good enough.  another shelving unit is crammed full of dishes, bird feeders, random office stuff.......stuff and more stuff. 

some should be in a garage sale come spring, come should be donated.......sort of like tithing.......feels like it's only right and fair to give back.  i imagine myself upstairs clearing out the linen closet......buying big clear containers to put everything in it's place.  ten sounds like a good number......$5 a pop for some big containers at walmart.  sort through it all.......so i know what goes to goodwill and what stays.  and a corner of items for a future yard sale.

i completely lost sunday.  i thought i might make it to church.....woke up to the sound of the big yellow bus thundering down my road.......whaaaat?  it was Monday......ooooops. uh oh.  thank you Lord for letting me hear that bus.  i reset my alarm clock, aimed for a nap......then got back up and picked out something to where to the surgical center.  Sam picked me up around 11:30......after the procedure he took me out to lunch.  we went to steak n' shake.......long time since i went there.  i got mini burgers and he got a spicy cajun burger.  they let me order a kid's shake.......sam got tickled at how happy i was to get a baby shooter chocolate banana shake.  i can't drink a whole giant shake any more.......but the little ones are just right.  so sayeth goldilocks.

so tired and so wirrrrrred. sam told me about a british show on netflix called Crazyhead......and is it ever. completely bonkers......whacked beyond......a very big change from reruns of Dick Van Dyke and Frasier. 

sam did a little painting for me while he was here.  a year or better ago i had a new light fixture installed over the kitchen window, which left a big length of unpainted wood.  so he put a coat on.......it really needs one more coat.......but not today.  even though i am itching to have a go with the paint brush.  NO RUTHIE NO!

this month would have marked my 27th anniversary with my longtime employer.....made me pause and give credence to the sadness, grief i still feel over that loss.   beginning my 7th year as a disabled retired human.  so funny to say it like that as i worked for 12.5 years dog sick dragging my bad self up and down the roads until i was beat to death.......increased my health problems several times over........almost cost me my life.  that's the danger of stubborn determination.........and yet that same dogged persistence has brought me a long way towards better funcion since 2010.  of course bad days, weeks....months of flares and crashes abound still.......will always impact my journey........

but i've come along way baby........a long long way.  back then i was barely existing on canned high sodium soups, packets of microwave oatmeal......packaged and frozen foods primarily.  not enough veggies or fruits by a landslide.  going to the store once every 4 to 6 weeks.  dragging my bones around......struggling so hard.  and yet there was that girl buried in there fighting to get out.......see a half full glass.......find more life.  take better care of myself.....put some goals out there and aim for them.  some of them i reached, some of them are still on the list........and many of them i learned to let go of.  regularly.

i found my sense of humor again........i remember sitting here for months unable to find a smile or the barest whisper of a laugh.......i remember writing a mission statement.....doing research on how to find more balance.  comparing what different sources shared.....from ministers, to medical personel.....read a lot of articles thanks to the internet........I really think that mission statement was a game changer for me.  i don't know if I can remember it exactly right.......but the essense of it was this.....

I will treat myself with respect, tact, compassion, understanding, love and care......  I will not self bully but learn to self care.  I will make a real effort to stop putting myself down, I knew that if I saw or heard another person treating others the way I was treating myself (in my head) I would not tolerate it.  See I had gotten in a very bad habit of thinking that I was worthless, useless......that I had lost my right to be here in any real capacity because I mean really what was I contributing?  Career gone.....friends leaving me behind in droves......it was a lot of bitter pills to take in daily.  It is no way to treat anyone......I had to learn to truly love myself......

I remember changing it all up.  For every hour I spewed bitterness or hurt or tears or anger I spent another hour giving thanks, finding reasons to appreciate the moment.  I didn't want to stay in this house.......too many bad ghosts from a dangerous relationship that had ended in the most terrible way.  Because I was sick I somehow thought a bad relationship was all I was worthy of.........sounds so sad, so unlike me today.  But I put myself through hell by not making good decisions.  There is another side of course......I didn't know this person was dangerous.  That he would assault me, kidnap me, falsely imprison me, threaten to kill me......tear up my home......it ended in a prison sentence for him.  When he got out, he began stalking me........they put him back in and again when they let him out he stalked me again.  Brazenly......I was still working then.......and he found me on the computer and began sending me messages.  I contacted the chief of police in the city where he resided and back he went.  In the end he served almost a decade in prison.  Even as late as last year I saw him sitting outside my home....in between my home and the neighbors home. 

I don't know why I'm sharing all of this again with y'all......but I had come home from church.  There was a dark colored ford explorer sitting on the wrong side of the road.  I noticed that someone inside that vehicle was waving at me....waving in a really energetic odd fashion......hard to miss.  We don't get a lot of traffic in our quiet little (way out if the country suburb).....I am glad I noticed.....it was weird.  I had planned to change into jeans and go out and water the plant babies......but when I raised the garage door the hair on the back of my neck stood up.  I hit the garage door button, went inside, doublechecked all the locks, set the alarm and prayed.  Then I got up enough gumption to peek out the plantation blinds.....it was him.  Not that I could see him real clearly, but I recognized his silhouette.  I don't know why I didn't call 911.  I really don't.......I kept praying and at some point I cried.....after about an hour I saw him start up his vehicle and pull away slowly. 

I didn't go outside for the rest of that week.  I was truly spooked.  But over time.....with prayer, with God's active hand in my life, this really personal relationship God gives so lovingly and feely to his children.....I began to heal.  By putting goals in place to bloom in this place that used to haunt me.  To be able to live alone without letting terror overtake me.  I began growing house plants, got a second pet.......created garden spaces out doors.......added flowers, shrubs, trees.......added more color inside and outside my home, more life.  More vibrancy.......things that seemed impossible slowly became possible.......not anything done in the old way......but in this new way of puttering.....finding things to rebuild a spirit of joy, to laugh again. 

I don't know if I will ever heal to the point of having another close relationship again......this is a time for reflection I suppose.  I miss being in a relationship, I try not to think about it overly much........but sometimes I really miss it.  I feel blessed to have two children .......no three....it's time I include Sara's hubby as child number three always.  This year Derian and I have grown closer........I don't know if it's because I feel more confident, but I know that is a big part of it.......I feel spiritually strong enough to let more people in......as open as I can be there have been a lot of high walls in place for a long time. A lot of hurt buried that comes out like molten lava at times......for the loss of health, friends, career........abilities.........

Right now I have Sam to thank for bringing in my craft table, he set it up in front of the couch.  I have a ton of pictures to put in albums.  Some of the albums are from the seventies all the way to the present.  The older albums are in poor shape. I have collected a boatload of albums from thrift shops and I think I am about ready for round two.  Two years ago I managed to get 4 - 6,000 pictures put into albums.  I have them in rolling containers in a spare closet.  I have two sets of albums, one for each child.  My goal originally was to have this massive project done two Christmases ago......not very realistic, but then I've always been a type A kind of kid. 

There are two giant boxes of albums waiting to be filled.  Three plastic containers full of albums waiting to be re-albumed.......two big containers of pictures waiting to be sorted and filed in yet more albums.  I don't like all the clutter, but it's necessary to get it organized in advance of taking this on.  Sam drug out boxes for me from shelves and garage floor space.  I was supposed to leave it all be until at least Wednesday but I was too wired.  After he left I went out there with some old soft rages and started the unfun task of wiping everything down.....I should have stored them upstairs, but no.  I didn't......dumb de dumb dumb dumb!  Why?  Cause I wanted them to be easily accessible........what a ninny I can be at times.  But that is behind me......they are dusted and tidied and ready to become official memories for the family to enjoy.

There is a very cool website called iMemories.....I dont' know the cost, but if I had a big fat pile of money I would ship off all the albums to them and have it all digitised.  I don't know if they organize them into books or how they do it exactly.......but I told the kids I just can't afford to do it.  I think that once they get to enjoy the pics they may get interested in taking on the next phase.

Sam handled a lot of honey dos with and for me  yesterday, so happy about that!  He took me to the grocery store.....I was able to pick up stamps and fresh food........so yay!  It wasn't too bad a list......under $25 for food and then about $10 for stamps.  He downloaded some aps or programming on my cell phone to bring it up to speed.  So thankful to have that help!  I am clueless with that phone.  I have a broken crystal cross that he took pics of.......to send to the crystal repair lady.  She looked at the pictures and told me that she didn't believe based on what she could see that the "break was in fact a clean break".......she said she couldn't help me.  This is beyond odd to me.....why?  Because she lists working for many notable people in Georgia...from the governor's mansion to the Atlanta Botanical Garden and all sorts of high dollar stores from Neiman Marcus to who laid it when it comes to crystal repairs. 

This is a clean break, no shards.......she should be able to bond it back together.  But overall I have to be glad and accept her answer.  Makes me wonder if she is truly the person she represents herself to be in her resume.  She basically let me know that she had to have thought that both Sam & I were liar liar pants on fire story tellers to not believe what we shared about the break.  This is a handsigned Oleg Cassini cross.....it's not that expensive, but it's crazy pretty.  Each section of this cross is in sparkly oval sections......and the top section just toppled off ......I'm also researching the net to figure out what the best crystal/glass glue/bonding agent is.  At this point I've found several other crystal repair places....from Ohio to South Dakota to who laid it......but it looks like it could cost around $100 or maybe more.  Which is bigger than what I can reasonable afford. 

It feels good to write today......even though I'm popping around subject wise.......it feels pretty good to sit up and have a head clear enough to THINK about a lot of things. so often the brain fog keeps us drifing in the san francisco bay..........

I still don't know how I completely lost Sunday.  trying to not let it scare me overly much.......but i really thought if was Sunday not monday........and I had too much medicine also.  I hadn't taken my meds for one of those days........what a mess.  I try so hard to take decent responsible care of myself......nobody's perfect.  but the changes in self operation from one day to the next can be soooo very different.  let it go ruthie bird.  today is today. 

i pray for you daily........think of you, thank God for you.........oh, here's a kooky thing that happened.  Sam went out to his car and announced that he had something very random to give me.  Uncle Jim found a stack of 10 or 11 cassette tapes from several years in the 80's.  I had him get my mini boom box down, it has a cassette tape player in it so I can listen to them soon.  No clue what memories they will bring.  A couple of them look to be recorded notes of some college classes I took.....I was always taking random classes here and there.  I like learning.......what can I say?  But the rest of them......?  no clue.....wonder if they have songs I wrote or perhaps some poetry?  It will be a fun treat for me in the days to come.......I hope I hope I hope.

enough typing already......I am hurting and it feels like my body might be ready to rest.......nervous energy or not, my eyes are burning with fatigue.  i've been taking loratidine to help with the hives and the red face, neck and collar bone area.  This stuff really lights me up........like a mottled stop sign!  It kind of freaked poor sam out while we were at the check out counter.....he leaned in and said,"Mom, you're really red......it's all stripey down your chin and streakey as far as the eye could see.......the main part of my face was fire engine red.  .......at least I'm consistent when it comes to side effects. 

take good care of your sweet self...lean in to this day and try to seek moments of peace and above all be kind to your good self!

much love, sparrow