rough yesterday
Yest67erday was hard for me with an appt at 3p with Jill and 4pm with Joanna. The appt with Jill was not so good for me. I had gained weight, but less than a pound. Regardless of how much it was I fell apart. I couldn't believe that I had gained. I had restricted (missing 4-5 exchanges) each day and I gained. Just imagine how much I would of gained if I followed 100%. It was a free fall of tears. I was so upset. Upset beyond control- beyond reason.
This continued when I went in and saw Joanna. She said, "I want to tell you that it's okay, but I can't because this is not okay. You are being too self-absorbed and it's a problem. THis is not a big deal and you should not be reacting this way. You have to be stronger than this Steff." With all that being said I just cried more and got more upset. I felt like I was being yelled at, that I was in trouble. I felt like I couldn't control myself, but was being told that I have to. But I didn't feel like there was any possibility that I could. I shouldn't be reacting like that, but the fact of the matter is that I did. And clearly I need to change that but how? She told me that I need to tell myself that it's not that big of a deal and there are bigger issues out there in the world.
Well no fuckign shit there are bigger issues out there in the world- which then makes me say that well, I shouldn't be getting help for any of my shit because it is so miniscula on the big scale of things. My issues are nothing- there are people out there with bigger problems. MUCH bigger problems. The whole fucking disease is selfish and self-absorbed.
I explained al this and said everything on my mind to Joanna. The one thing I wanted to say but didn't is, "aren't you supposed to help me and not just tell me` i'm being self-absorbed." AHHH.
I felt out of control yesterday, but looking back and thinking back- i dodn't feel that i could control myself and i don't think i could right now either, even if i tried.
I have absolutely ZERO condfidence in myself in anything right now.
Random thoughts I wrote starting after seeing joanna....
Every time I take a step I can feel my butt and upper legs move in a disgusting way and it's horrible to me. I can’t stand it. Even if I tell myself to not think about it, I still notice the feeling- I can feel it in my body. My train of thought will change but then once that thought is done it goes right back to the way my body feels when I walk. It makes me cringe.
One thing that really bothers me and I wish I could change is people's beliefs on the bag tax in Montgomery county now and show them that it is good for the environment. It bothers me that people just assume the government is stealing their money. That made me cry yesterday as well but has nothing to do with being self-absorbed.
How can working be self-absorbed? I'm helping people while helping myself.
Maybe I don't like the phrase self-absorbed because it seems like it means that I want all attention from everyone on me. That is not the case. In fact I feel like I am trying to avoid attention.
I don't want to be viewed as self-absorbed- but then if I am purposely trying to not be self-absorbed then I kind of am being self-absorbed because I have to focus so much on everything I do/say to make sure I am not being self-absorbed.
I did dishes and everything in Florida. Helped everyone out- how is that self-absorbed? I made and mailed my parents and Oma/Opa and pastor thank you cards. I thanked my parents after every meal they provided or paid for as well as at the end of each day.
I feel like everything can be turned into a way of being self-absorbed. This whole ‘self-absorbed’ thing bothers me just like when everything seemed to be changed to me wanting ‘attention’. I hate it.
I do not want to be thought of as this. I want to be thought of as someone who puts everyone else before themselves.
Maybe I am exhausted and that is affecting me more than I think/thought. I did work 8hr days the past fri, sat, sun, mon and then 6hrs tues.
I picked up someone else's shift. I have made a homemade meal from scratch meal every night i have been home for dinner for Carlos. Even made him a meal one night I wasn't home.
But in another way- ever since the first time I lost weight since coming out of dominion in sept I have been paranoid about gaining anything. An ounce to a pound to a couple pounds.
I really wanted to write a MSG to both mike and bill but have not yet because I have no idea what to say. Now I'm afraid it may be looked upon as being self-centered.
Session today wore me out. I'm so exhausted. I felt like I could fall asleep in there and driving home as well.
Found a great video explaining what a coxswain does. I NEED to cox again. Then I might feel that I'm good at something again. Right now I don’t feel like I am good at anything. I feel very worthless.
I made an awesome dinner with wine. Ate a big portion and am in pain. It sucks. I wish I could purge. I am about to fall asleep in my chair at the table.
This continued when I went in and saw Joanna. She said, "I want to tell you that it's okay, but I can't because this is not okay. You are being too self-absorbed and it's a problem. THis is not a big deal and you should not be reacting this way. You have to be stronger than this Steff." With all that being said I just cried more and got more upset. I felt like I was being yelled at, that I was in trouble. I felt like I couldn't control myself, but was being told that I have to. But I didn't feel like there was any possibility that I could. I shouldn't be reacting like that, but the fact of the matter is that I did. And clearly I need to change that but how? She told me that I need to tell myself that it's not that big of a deal and there are bigger issues out there in the world.
Well no fuckign shit there are bigger issues out there in the world- which then makes me say that well, I shouldn't be getting help for any of my shit because it is so miniscula on the big scale of things. My issues are nothing- there are people out there with bigger problems. MUCH bigger problems. The whole fucking disease is selfish and self-absorbed.
I explained al this and said everything on my mind to Joanna. The one thing I wanted to say but didn't is, "aren't you supposed to help me and not just tell me` i'm being self-absorbed." AHHH.
I felt out of control yesterday, but looking back and thinking back- i dodn't feel that i could control myself and i don't think i could right now either, even if i tried.
I have absolutely ZERO condfidence in myself in anything right now.
Random thoughts I wrote starting after seeing joanna....
Every time I take a step I can feel my butt and upper legs move in a disgusting way and it's horrible to me. I can’t stand it. Even if I tell myself to not think about it, I still notice the feeling- I can feel it in my body. My train of thought will change but then once that thought is done it goes right back to the way my body feels when I walk. It makes me cringe.
One thing that really bothers me and I wish I could change is people's beliefs on the bag tax in Montgomery county now and show them that it is good for the environment. It bothers me that people just assume the government is stealing their money. That made me cry yesterday as well but has nothing to do with being self-absorbed.
How can working be self-absorbed? I'm helping people while helping myself.
Maybe I don't like the phrase self-absorbed because it seems like it means that I want all attention from everyone on me. That is not the case. In fact I feel like I am trying to avoid attention.
I don't want to be viewed as self-absorbed- but then if I am purposely trying to not be self-absorbed then I kind of am being self-absorbed because I have to focus so much on everything I do/say to make sure I am not being self-absorbed.
I did dishes and everything in Florida. Helped everyone out- how is that self-absorbed? I made and mailed my parents and Oma/Opa and pastor thank you cards. I thanked my parents after every meal they provided or paid for as well as at the end of each day.
I feel like everything can be turned into a way of being self-absorbed. This whole ‘self-absorbed’ thing bothers me just like when everything seemed to be changed to me wanting ‘attention’. I hate it.
I do not want to be thought of as this. I want to be thought of as someone who puts everyone else before themselves.
Maybe I am exhausted and that is affecting me more than I think/thought. I did work 8hr days the past fri, sat, sun, mon and then 6hrs tues.
I picked up someone else's shift. I have made a homemade meal from scratch meal every night i have been home for dinner for Carlos. Even made him a meal one night I wasn't home.
But in another way- ever since the first time I lost weight since coming out of dominion in sept I have been paranoid about gaining anything. An ounce to a pound to a couple pounds.
I really wanted to write a MSG to both mike and bill but have not yet because I have no idea what to say. Now I'm afraid it may be looked upon as being self-centered.
Session today wore me out. I'm so exhausted. I felt like I could fall asleep in there and driving home as well.
Found a great video explaining what a coxswain does. I NEED to cox again. Then I might feel that I'm good at something again. Right now I don’t feel like I am good at anything. I feel very worthless.
I made an awesome dinner with wine. Ate a big portion and am in pain. It sucks. I wish I could purge. I am about to fall asleep in my chair at the table.
Replies
I totally understand your reaction to the weight gain. For us ounces matter. What helped me is my therapist telling me giving myself a range where I will be ok in and even though it\'s not a five pound range like he wanted it\'s a three pound range but I have to admit when I get towards the higher end I panic. What I\'m more worried about is that you are restricting on purpose. Were you honest about that with Jill? You know you are going right back down the road to IP. And I have to agree hearing from your therapist that you are self absorbed is not helping since heck the whole disease is one of self absorption.
Don\'t write Mike and Bill. This thing is over with and if you keep on dwelling on it in public people will see you as a sore loser and ridicule you. You took an honorable out, leave it at that.
Had a much better session today with Joanna. I can see where she was coming from with what she said yesterday. She knew I wouldnm\'t like what she said about being self-absorbed and needed something to get my mind switched away from the weight shit. Bottomline- today was really helpful in therapy.
I was honest with Jill- i told her that i restricted (and she read my food journal) which made me more confused as to how i gained. Fluid shifts are always the likely factor but I don\'t like that answer. I have a 5 pound weight range. Which Jill now wishes she had made higher because she thinks it is too low for me. But i\'m out of that range. I\'m below it but don\'t want to get up to the minimum of it. I am ophysically healthy were i am. I dno\'t need to be at 110. BLEH! My scale said 104.1 last weekend but I don\'t believe it- i believei ts higher.