Rough day yesterday

  Boy, I blew up at Bob yesterday, something bad. It's been pissing me off lately about paying me for my work. I'm not even going to get into it here, because most people just wouldn't understand, and it takes too long explaining. The relationship we have is totally differant than the norm. It takes a huge amount of faith, and trust, and sometimes I just don't have that in me. My mind starts to play and tell me all kinds of negativity until I finally just blow up. While my mind plays I can become so stuborn that I can't listen to reason. It's really a very trying test that I think God has placed in my life. Once I blow up, it seems that I somehow am able to return to reason, and see that getting mad isn't really necessary. Perhaps it's fear of being in controle, or not having controle. I don't know. All I know is that getting angry just feels awfull, and acting on it does no good whatsoever. Just makes me feel worse. I say and do things that I don't want to do, and I feel bad after. Anyway, for now it's alright. I did apologize to Bob last night. That wasn't an admision of right or wrong, it's just the way I need to be to keep the doors open to comunication. I beleive that when wev keep those shut there is no posibilty of anything good to happen. Keeping them open involves swallowing a big chunk of pride, that would make the average person gag. I've had to do it many times, so it's not all that bad for me now. I know I feel better after for it. anyway, that messed up my whole day yesterday, royaly. Bob gave me forty dollars last night. I didn't ask for it, but I do need it. Anyway, going to try and have a better day today. Thank you Lord.