rough day but I got through it

I wrote this morning so it's past tense now:

I was feeling reactive, bruised mentally and psychologically and isolated from any sense of community this morning. I’m here at work now waiting for it to start. Then I went onto the site and I just felt so grateful for the community here.

My illness can so feel like it takes up all the room in my life and attention as a significant other might for some. It’s a long, lonely road but I’m grateful for my phone and the connection to communities that it gives.

I feel ready to take on the day.

(and then I wrote again)

It's a very hard morning, when work starts that will direct my energy productively. It feels incorrect to express this but I need to as well. It’s bifurcating. I haven’t cried in a long time. Prayers for a good day to you. I know I need to be self responsible.

----

Then as I was going about my work, I stayed consistent and motivated - I noticed things

about my coworkers - but then I started to think

about things about my own way and place in the world.

I got some ideas I want to share with my therapist about being brave enough to be myself

and yet also able to be compassionate as well as weather the storms of upset from those who would 'take

me down a notch' even casually in conversation or basic interaction. This probably sounds a little dark

but I am just waking up to my own individual strength and charge to keep at things. I guess this has been said so many times. The muzak at work played Elton John's "I'm still standing"

and it really supported my thoughts how we're all weathering the social standards of life and to be perfectly acceptable

is impossible - to have perfections connections with everyone is impossible  - we must also be brave enough to live for who we are as individuals (it's a balance for sure) and stand up for what we believe as well as for our patch of ground and sense of well being.

As I got in the car today it was a rough transition back to home. My mind started 'caving in on itself' with 

thoughts about the 'Alpha's' in my life as well as trying to focus on the driving.

I got home and I realize again - this illness that is like a significant other - is wanting my attention again.

The giving to that mental engine, the regard - respect for what it is- is giving me a boundary that is

helpful for getting back to my home life routine. Crazy crazy.

But things are good. A little tired from work. I need to shower and run over to the bank.

Hasta la vista baby!! peace!