room for nerves!
I am realizing that in the pursuit to be self responsible I have kind of shrunk my world to exist just in a pro forma of a tidy home and a job well done at work and keeping a tight budget and a routine of things that keeps me calm and placated. Predictable yes but I realized today at work that I want connect with people and not just live in this world of a pretty picture, hermetically apart. I loosened up at work today and enjoyed my coworkers. Then while at home today, though keeping to a routine, the idea of connecting with others outside the comfort of my own home raises my anxiety level but I know now I have to be accepting and responsible for this too. And so copping to that might not take away the nerves but it does normalize them a little bit and so it makes space for me to be rightly so a little nervous and that's ok. I used to look to mental health doctors as someone to run to - to complain to - someone to give me guidance - but after going to my last appointment, I realized I really need to give myself what I want in life and not just run to someone who can't give the answers that only I can give to myself.