-rolls down a hill covered in tinfoil and spoons-

Please understand that my mother is very loving and supportive eighty percent of the time. But there are other times where she behaves very harshly towards me and I don't know how to handle it. 
Today she had a shitty day at work and instead of just having a drink or kicking a wall or whatever she decides to lash out me. She likes to take cheap shots at my past. She focuses on my mental health issues and occasionally how little I have achieved in life. I get it, I'm a loser, don't need to be told that again and again (and again.) She refers to my middle sister as "the successful one" because she has graduated college. Which yes that is a major accomplishment but I don't understand why she has to pit her children against each other.Also my eldest sister is a fucking boss ass bitch with how much she has achieved in life and she has no college degree so there is that. I'm the loser child.  
However when I say anything about this very nasty side of her I feel guilty because of how kindly she has treated me when I truly did need her. I know everyone has their bullshit threshold and expecting people to be sweet and smiley all the time is about as realistic as Hillary Duff putting out a hit album but I really would appreciate it if she wasn't a raging bitch whenever her jimmies get slightly rustled. 
It just seems like she is setting me up for failure. She expects me to cope with stress in a "healthy manner" but when she is the cause of the stress it basically creates Chernobyl in my head. I feel the slightest bit guilty if I cause my family problems and so I already feel shitty that my mom is upset. Compact that with her douchey low blows about "what an interesting life I've lead" and how she is going to put me away in a home for crazy people and only visit me on the weekends (why the weekends? I don't bloody know.) And you have a viscous sludgeball of negative emotions inside my shriveled up, misfiring little craisin that I am forced to call my brain. 
I only have three speeds when it comes to overwhelming emotions. I either shut down, literally curling into a ball and drowning you out by playing music in my head (popular favorites are the entirety of Pink Floyd's The Wall and the score to The Last Unicorn.) I lash out at myself, which includes but is not limited to smoking heavily, bruising, biting and the smash hit of summer 2007, cutting myself into fun sized snickers chunks. The final horsemen in this shitpocolypse is that I lash out at the person who is hurting me. I start yelling and sometimes if things get physical I start hitting. 
Sounds great right? Yes all of these are perfectly acceptable by mainstream society. Nbd. However if I do any of these behaviors it only intensifies the situation at hand. I can't hurt myself because it upsets my family terribly and only throws more sticks on the fire. I can't start yelling back at my mom because then she starts crying or gets my dad involved and it becomes my parents either screaming at each other or becomes a fucking tables ladders and chairs match between all three of us. If she starts crying then I may as well go outside and hug a subway train because that is how low I feel. And if I curl up in the fetal position, effectively rolling over and showing her my soft white underbelly, she only gets angry and thinks I'm not listening to her. 
So I'm basically fucked left right and center. Invest in some kneepads hoe because you're gonna be sucking dick all damn night. There is nothing I can do to escape the encounter without some form of stress and negativity lodged in my cranial cavity. 
 

Replies

laurelantur
laurelantur

I\'m sitting in virtual, supportive silence with you, hearing your story.

I have thoughts about emotional reactions, but I don\'t want to share them because sometimes we just want to be heard and not advised. It is so annoying when people give unwanted advice.
fuusheegii
fuusheegii

Thank you for taking the time to read this. That alone is enough. Pleasr don\'t feel obligated to share things that you are not comfortable sharing.
KAdunn
KAdunn

I like the comfortably numb song by Pink Floyd . Thats a good numbing out song. Sorry your mom was being such a wench. She shouldn\'t be comparing you with other siblings or putting you down. It takes alot to bounce back from a rape
fuusheegii
fuusheegii

KAdunn I love all of Pink Floyd\'s songs, personally they are my favorite band.