Roller Coaster of Emotion

7/12 I have been on a Roller Coaster of emotions.  On one hand I have been stupid and have read too many articles about swollen lympth nodes, I know better then that but it is almost an emotional crutch that soothes the anxiety briefly.  However in the end it always makes me more anxious, so it's almost a form of self-harm.  The one I read today talked about how swollen lympth nodes can be a sign of cancer in another part of the body.  Which I already knew but reading about it refreshed it in my mind in a bad way.  I also read an article that helped a little bit, it was about a person who also had a lump in the neck and they talked about what would happen how the doctor would ask you questions, they might give you antibiotics.  If that doesn't cure it then they may do a scan and xray to find out more and then a biospy.  They then talked about how most of the time it will be nothing.  Then they talked about how in their case it turned out to be a type of lymph node c.  They fought it and  are now in remission and healthy and happy.  This helped me just to see what the doctor may do and that even if it is not good news people can survive. 

For brief moments throughout the day I can talk myself down and think that maybe the lump will turn out to be nothing and the mammogram was right and I feel a bit better.  But at the same time I am still scared.  Scared that it is c and that it is spread from my breast and that all this time I have been dithering and relaying too heavily on previous tests and that I should've spoken up sooner and now it is too late.  See I can kind of maybe see these two things being nothing but the combination of these two at the same time I have been having a lot of fatigue make it difficult to believe it is not all related.  (My fatigue feels worse lately even before I started to freak out.  If I just sit and rest I feel ok but if I go about my regular schedule it feels harder to do everything even just standing around.)

All of that and the fact that I have to wait two weeks before I can even get the ball rolling on finding out what is going on. Also I need to make an appointment to see a gynocologist about the discharge but I am apprehensive and I don't want to make that call even through it would probably be helpful. What is wrong with me?  I am so afraid all of the time about my health.  

I need to go it is late and I have to get up early all of this week.  I will update when I need to and when I make that appointment which I am determined to do so tomorrow.

Update 7/13: I did end up requesting an appointment through their website and they are supposed to get back to me but now I think it was a mistake because I haven't heard anything yet so if they don't contact me by midmorning tomorrow I will call them and try to set up an appointment.  Also I have been heavily stressing about covid as my state which was opening up is now shutting back down again so now I am worrying it will completely shut down and it will delay my appointments even more.  I am so stressed right now.  I hate this whole situation.  

Update 7/15: I am not doing good.  Because my fatigue is worse.  I haven't been sleeping well and I've had to get up by 5:50 but I am only managing to sleep until 4:30-5:00.  Which I know won't improve my fatigue but I was feeling poorly beforehand.  The fatigue now feels core deep.  I am losing hope.  I can't even feel sparks of "maybe this isn't the worst case scenario" like I could a couple of days ago.  Instead it feels like I am bracing myself for the worst.  The obgyn's office still hasn't called and my husband came home early so I can't call till tomorrow because I am still trying to keep it to myself.  According to the website I am still on the waitlist to move my appointment forward I keep hoping they will call  that someone has canceled but so far they haven't.  I am upset and scared.

Update 7/16: Yesterday evening I actually got good news. I received an email letting me know they had a cancellation for next Tuesday.  Which is only 5 days away as opposed to 12 like before.  So that is a definite improvement.  I put myself back on the waitlist just in case something opens up tomorrow or Monday.  I couldn't sleep last night very well so now I am very very tired.  Also I am worried I am getting a cold one side my throat feels sore.  I can't get a cold because they might cancel my appointment worried I might be contagious with covid.

Update 7/17: I finally made myself call the obgyn's office and book an appointment.  They had a cancellation for Monday or they were booking out for mid-August. I chose the Monday even though it makes me feel bad because I am going to have to rely on my sister a lot next week for childcare.  Although I wish it was after my Tuesday appointment because now I am in a bit of a quandary.  Do I mention the neck lump? Because if it is a lymph node then it could be pertinent but then again it might not be her department because it is in my neck or it might not even be a lymph node in which case it is really not pertinent.  Also I am going to have to start telling my sister (for obvious childcare reasons) and my partner (for he will probably pick up on the fact that I keep disappearing for hours at a time reasons) and I am not looking forward to it. I don't want them to worry before there is actually something to worry about.  I will probably make a new journal entry for the appointments as this is getting too long.  

Please God give me the courage I need to make that phone call and help me to get an appointment soon.  Also have my Doctor's office have a cancelation so I can get my neck problem looked at. Also have both problems be benign.  And protect us from Covid-19 and any other illness going around.  Please Lord