Roller Coaster
Hello SOTH - this is where I come when I am about ready to lose it so I will write and I will apologize if it seems like I'm rambling.....
Seems like I'm okay for awhile, then WHAM, I'm not okay.......I went to a once a month meeting for moms who have lost children Monday eve. There was a new mom there who has lost her 25 year old son 3 weeks ago to heroin overdose.....just looking @ her hurt my heart. She is numb and saying "what happened?" - I still say that...... She talked and talked, showed pictures while the 3 of us listened attentively.....I think I was okay but now I feel like I'm spiraling out of control.....do I just need to stay @ home and not ever come in contact with sadness or happiness or people with kids or...........God, I'm healthy, I have a great job, I have a roof over my head.....why am I stuck on this road going nowhere?
Last night I went to a bible study and in our group are 2 young girls (20's) who are so sweet, cute and studying the bible wanting their life to change.....I could see the joy, the eagerness and WHAM, THERE I saw my Jennifer.....I kept the tears from flowing until I got to my car, then cried all the way home.....my Jennifer.....come back.....please!!!! Your mom so needs you....
I am getting to the point that being around others just triggers me and I hate to think that I am becoming anti-social, a hermit......guess it's just feelings out of control today - they will pass, but it sure is a hard day for me........
Seems like I'm okay for awhile, then WHAM, I'm not okay.......I went to a once a month meeting for moms who have lost children Monday eve. There was a new mom there who has lost her 25 year old son 3 weeks ago to heroin overdose.....just looking @ her hurt my heart. She is numb and saying "what happened?" - I still say that...... She talked and talked, showed pictures while the 3 of us listened attentively.....I think I was okay but now I feel like I'm spiraling out of control.....do I just need to stay @ home and not ever come in contact with sadness or happiness or people with kids or...........God, I'm healthy, I have a great job, I have a roof over my head.....why am I stuck on this road going nowhere?
Last night I went to a bible study and in our group are 2 young girls (20's) who are so sweet, cute and studying the bible wanting their life to change.....I could see the joy, the eagerness and WHAM, THERE I saw my Jennifer.....I kept the tears from flowing until I got to my car, then cried all the way home.....my Jennifer.....come back.....please!!!! Your mom so needs you....
I am getting to the point that being around others just triggers me and I hate to think that I am becoming anti-social, a hermit......guess it's just feelings out of control today - they will pass, but it sure is a hard day for me........
Replies
It takes a long time to participate fully in life. I still can shed tears at a simple song. I don\'t understand the why\'s and won\'t understand in this lifetime. I, like you, have so much to be thankful for so I practice each day to remember to be grateful. It\'s definitely not easy. Just go with those triggers and shed those tears when needed. Like you said it will pass. Prayers for sunshine soon. Much love. Robin
My roller coaster is not as bad as it used to be. There are some of those lows that sink your tummy. That is how my life is now. Lately I have been on a real rough ride, but there have been times when it seems like a smoother version.
Sending tight hugs
Penny
Being an anti social hermit is my way of coping these days. People in general, get on my nerves. Nobody truly understands what I am going through, except for here at FMO. I hope we both feel better soon...
(((HUGS))), Julia
I know exactly how you feel. For me now with my Jerred being gone for 23 plus years, those gut wrenching moments are much fewer, but I will say they still come and when least expected. Accept and own those feelings as they are real and they are yours and you actually NEED to have them to get moving forward. People who have not lost a child will never understand so do not blame them, just try to not be around them when a break comes. The 2nd Christmas without Jerred we were at my moms like always with the whole family. Sure enough it hit me like a ton of bricks so my husband and I went upstairs away from everyone so I could get it out and calm done to rejoin the party. My mom came looking for us and she actually yelled at me and said \"Get over it my goodness he has been gone long enough now so quit being such a baby\". This made me so angry with her but I knew yelling back or really saying anything would do no good. I just told her you have no clue mom and I thank God for you that you never have had to go through what I am. A few days later I ran into my aunt who had lost her daughter, she was shot and killed by her own son, and a grand daughter. I told her what mom did and she just hugged me and said the best words ever, \"You will never get over it, cry when need be and try to do it when no else who does not understand is around. This is your son you are talking about and you carried him inside you therefore he was and always will be a part of you. So you not only lost him but you lost a part of yourself that you can never get back. That is why you will always have moments of great sadness. Let yourself feel it and get the emotions out because if you keep it inside of you it will consume and eat at you constantly.\" No truer words were ever spoken to me. This has helped me through out the years continuously and does to this day. I now pray it will help all of you also. I am here for all of you to talk to anytime. Blessing to all of you and gentlest of hugs.
Susie