Roller Coaster
Hello SOTH - this is where I come when I am about ready to lose it so I will write and I will apologize if it seems like I'm rambling.....
Seems like I'm okay for awhile, then WHAM, I'm not okay.......I went to a once a month meeting for moms who have lost children Monday eve. There was a new mom there who has lost her 25 year old son 3 weeks ago to heroin overdose.....just looking @ her hurt my heart. She is numb and saying "what happened?" - I still say that...... She talked and talked, showed pictures while the 3 of us listened attentively.....I think I was okay but now I feel like I'm spiraling out of control.....do I just need to stay @ home and not ever come in contact with sadness or happiness or people with kids or...........God, I'm healthy, I have a great job, I have a roof over my head.....why am I stuck on this road going nowhere?
Last night I went to a bible study and in our group are 2 young girls (20's) who are so sweet, cute and studying the bible wanting their life to change.....I could see the joy, the eagerness and WHAM, THERE I saw my Jennifer.....I kept the tears from flowing until I got to my car, then cried all the way home.....my Jennifer.....come back.....please!!!! Your mom so needs you....
I am getting to the point that being around others just triggers me and I hate to think that I am becoming anti-social, a hermit......guess it's just feelings out of control today - they will pass, but it sure is a hard day for me........
Seems like I'm okay for awhile, then WHAM, I'm not okay.......I went to a once a month meeting for moms who have lost children Monday eve. There was a new mom there who has lost her 25 year old son 3 weeks ago to heroin overdose.....just looking @ her hurt my heart. She is numb and saying "what happened?" - I still say that...... She talked and talked, showed pictures while the 3 of us listened attentively.....I think I was okay but now I feel like I'm spiraling out of control.....do I just need to stay @ home and not ever come in contact with sadness or happiness or people with kids or...........God, I'm healthy, I have a great job, I have a roof over my head.....why am I stuck on this road going nowhere?
Last night I went to a bible study and in our group are 2 young girls (20's) who are so sweet, cute and studying the bible wanting their life to change.....I could see the joy, the eagerness and WHAM, THERE I saw my Jennifer.....I kept the tears from flowing until I got to my car, then cried all the way home.....my Jennifer.....come back.....please!!!! Your mom so needs you....
I am getting to the point that being around others just triggers me and I hate to think that I am becoming anti-social, a hermit......guess it's just feelings out of control today - they will pass, but it sure is a hard day for me........
Replies
You are doing the best you can my friend. You never know when it is going to hit you. Eventually the episodes are fewer and further between. It is not quite the kick in the gut. I still cry - we miss our precious girls and I figure we have a right!
Love and tight hugs, M
Please do not apologize for rambling... we all need to do that and it often makes us feel much better. I hope it worked a little bit for you.
I can so feel your pain here. I could easily become a hermit...it would seem so much easier just to hide from all the \'things\' and people and situations that make me sad. If I didn\'t have my job, that I do not hate, I may just stay home all the time.
I will tell you what other moms have told me along the way... be gentle with yourself. You are going to feel those WHAMS anytime, anywhere.
Big hugs for better days. Let yourself cry. M has it right...we have a right!!
xoxo
Coco
My dear friend, I fully understand, because I go through the same emotions. Some days I think I\'m going crazy! Maybe we are just very sensitive people, who experience pain and loss so much more intense than others. It is okay to cry, to live our emotions, and to withdraw from people at times. You hurt so deeply, because you loved and cared so very deeply! Be gentle with yourself, because you are a very special mom!
Gentle hugs!! xxx
Sometimes those triggers come one right after another, seems we don\'t get much of a break in between them. I can relate to what you said Vicki, about being around people can trigger the tears & pain. I can see a random young man across the room & before I know it, tears are rolling down my cheek. Just yesterday a young man who was doing landscaping in our neighborhood caught my attention. He was standing exactly like my Chad used to. I watched him a few minutes wishing with all my heart that it was Chad. Reality hit me....the tears came & I walked away from my window. (Deep sigh)
We understand....we really do. I hope tomorrow is an easier day for you.
I think that I almost could have written your post, Vicki. I feel the way you do A LOT. It\'s getting where it\'s difficult for me to socialize with anyone who HASN\'T lost a child. Whenever I\'m around somebody who has an \'intact\' family, I find myself looking at that person & thinking, \' you\'re living in a La La land. You know nothing about this grief that I live with EVERY DAY. You\'re totally ignorant of this overwhelming, gut-wrenching, all-encompassing & never-ending PAIN.\' It\'s getting to where I don\'t want to be around them, these untouched individuals.
Yes, I know, it\'s not their fault if their child is living & mine is, you know... gone. It\'s not their fault that they\'ve never known this kind of tragedy.
However, I ONLY want to be around other mothers who\'ve experienced this same immeasurable sorrow. They understand if I feel sad. They understand if I start to cry. They understand about the Triggers that can hit out of the blue. THEY ALWAYS UNDERSTAND. The others don\'t have a clue & probably never will.
Maybe I should just pray for PATIENCE & the ABILITY to deal with \'normal\' people again.
I also have trouble viewing these lucky people doing family things together on FB. Often I hate the unfairness of life. Sigh. And there\'s absolutely NOTHING that can be done about it...
Sending understanding hugs & love your way,
Donna
I am sorry for all the triggers. We are between a rock and a hard place on this journey. People = triggers to tears, but hooing up leads to lonliness and depression. Often it seems there is no right way to turn and then tomorrow is a bit brighter..at least for a while.
It did get better with time for me. Those first 5 years were the worst!!! Still the sadness hits, like when I was dusting today and had to pick up my sweet son\'s picture. It seems no matter what I do, the memories sometimes flood back and I can choose to be angry, sad, or smile with sweet memories. Sometimes it is all three (and more) at once. I hope and pray you get a bit of a respite soon!
You may have to mix it up....go out...then stay in and cocoon a bit.
Triggers...those are crazy...even after more than 8 years something can trigger it all again...HOWEVER...in time the lows don\'t last as long. Some days...when I see something that starts it...I will say to myself...not now...and wait until a time I can honestly react. Kinda like you waiting until you got in the car. I used to do that ALL the time.
You are normal...just this life is a roller coaster...so do what feels right for you.
Love and gentle hugs...Karen
I stopped going to Compassionate Friends as it was too hard to see others in pain. I do go now and again and at this point in my journey I am able to offer comfort. I wee a lot of phone numbers at work and when I see the first three numbers of my Kevin\'s phone number I get a little choked up. It happens no matter how far into the journey we are. Triggers....... I guess if they didn\'t happen I might think something was wrong with me! I like to believe the triggers mean he is near me or even giving me a hug. xo Sharon
Please don\'t ever apologize to us for rambling, losing it, whatever..that is exactly why we are here. I admit this is as much as I can do, if I tried to do a Compassionate Friends or other group, it would push me over the edge... almost 7 years and you\'d think I\'d be able to do better than that, but I do know I can\'t....so I don\'t.
Hugs, tight understanding hugs,
MaryLou
I understand and what you need to know above all else is that there is nothing wrong about you or how you are feeling. It is part of this foreign land that we find ourselves navigating with no signs or even a compass.
I truly think that there are times that I tried things and my mind told me that I \"should\" be able to handle it, yet my heart was flying a huge red flag. It\'s okay and what matters is that you are trying to engage in some things and perhaps the toll that they take is worth it sometimes and at other times it simply is not. The energy that is expended giving to another cannot happen when our own wells are dry.
Time to fill up Vicki, and you have also just come up from being sick. I doubt that you have many reserves to rely upon and I think that might have been some of what you were feeling? Everything you had was fighting that bug that hung on and it required more than one visit to the doctor and a change in medications too. And then you are wondering why you feel as if the stuffing has been knocked out of you when you are in the presence of others with intense grief??? Please cut yourself a huge break and be tender with yourself and I trust that in time you will be able to do some of these things that you desire to as you have in the past.
I always feel pangs when I see mothers with sons and I don\'t think that will ever be something that goes away. Today my sister celebrated her son\'s 30th birthday, a birthday that I will never see with my son. It hurts my heart and I secretly wonder if she realizes just how blessed she has to have her three children earth side??!!
With you on this roller coaster and hoping it slows itself down or even better yet comes to an abrupt halt and is \"out of service\" for a few days. It can feel so exhausting, I know my friend.
Loving care your way dearest Vicki, and above all the utmost of understanding. Thank goodness we have one another and this safe haven where we can let it out and hopefully feel lifted if only for a few moments.
XO Joanie
It is so very strange to be in this world and want to be in the next with our children. Life goes on in a weird way, I am jealous of others and I hate that I am. The triggers come all the time yet go on we must. Onward and upward we go. Peace, Kathy
I get so jealous of others,,, then I get sad.... and ..sigh....so understand... this journey stinks..... love ya!
I totally know that feeling...thanks God we have each of us...I have to attend a memorial service for Shell\'s boyfriend of 8 years before Ry of course....strangely I feel that they are together the way it should have been.....so nervous to see his Mother.....love you...(((HUGS)))
The world felt so \"strange\" to me for a long time after Kala\'s accident. I didn\'t really fit it anywhere...except here. And truth be told, here is the LAST place I wanted to be....but so thankful HERE was here for me!!!
It\'s taken a long time for me to get to a place of true JOY again. All I can tell you is for ME....pushing myself to keep moving in forward motion helped. That\'s not to say I haven\'t screamed and cried and cursed along the way! Truth is, I screamed, cried and cursed my way to JOY. Crazy as that sounds! I guess what I\'m saying is venting it all...and boy do I mean ALL...I found release and sanity and eventually JOY.
You are doing the work, and it is work! But you are doing it, never doubt that! And never doubt your victory in one day finding yourself able to enjoy the fullness of life while accepting the emptiness of great loss.
Heart to heart as JJ always says~~