Rock Bottom
Last night I think was my rock bottom moment. I finally said out loud to my husband a lot of feelings and thoughts that I had but I couldn't voice before. I had lost faith. I had concentrated so hard of what I didn't have anymore I lost sight of many things.
I realized after all the research I had done that had my child been born with the missing chromosome he would have had Turner Syndrome. I then thought would I want to hurt my child by putting them on this earth hurting? I know I would love my child with my entire heart and soul but every day I looked at my child I would know it was because of me that they were hurting. I couldn't live with that. God made the choice for me because I wasn't even aware of what was going on inside my body.
I know I am a strong person and last night my husband said something to me that I think shocked me into a realization. He knew I was strong enough to get "through" this but he was worried about what condition my soul and heart would be on the otherside of me moving on. I think that completely shocked me. I had not thought of it because I was in the moment of the pain and sadness. I didn't think about it like that at all. I realized that i needed to. I realized that if I let it, this sadness and pain would take me over completely and then what kind of a mother would I really be? What kind of a wife would I be?
I also realized that because I was so sad and depressed that I wasn't giving my husband time to grieve either. He was so concerned with me and helping me stand that he wasn't able to cope with what had happened. I found out that while I would sleep at night, my husband would talk to our little one and touch my stomach. He shared his dreams with our children and his love and I wasn't giving him a chance to say good bye because everything was all about my feelings and how I couldn't handle the sadness.
There is still a hole in my heart that my children have left and I know they are with God and watching over my and my husband. They have each other too so my first is no longer alone. I love them both with my entire heart and soul and they will be with me everywhere I go in life and with my future children. I can't wait to be a mom. I can't wait to hold my child in my arms for the first time and look into their eyes and tell them how much i love them. one day I will be able to share with them about their two siblings that they never got to meet but will never be forgotten.
It is time that I finally put one foot in front of the other. I think it is time to start the next part of everything. I know I will have rough days where every single sad feeling comes rushing back but I know that finally the good days will come in because I am going to finally let them.
I realized after all the research I had done that had my child been born with the missing chromosome he would have had Turner Syndrome. I then thought would I want to hurt my child by putting them on this earth hurting? I know I would love my child with my entire heart and soul but every day I looked at my child I would know it was because of me that they were hurting. I couldn't live with that. God made the choice for me because I wasn't even aware of what was going on inside my body.
I know I am a strong person and last night my husband said something to me that I think shocked me into a realization. He knew I was strong enough to get "through" this but he was worried about what condition my soul and heart would be on the otherside of me moving on. I think that completely shocked me. I had not thought of it because I was in the moment of the pain and sadness. I didn't think about it like that at all. I realized that i needed to. I realized that if I let it, this sadness and pain would take me over completely and then what kind of a mother would I really be? What kind of a wife would I be?
I also realized that because I was so sad and depressed that I wasn't giving my husband time to grieve either. He was so concerned with me and helping me stand that he wasn't able to cope with what had happened. I found out that while I would sleep at night, my husband would talk to our little one and touch my stomach. He shared his dreams with our children and his love and I wasn't giving him a chance to say good bye because everything was all about my feelings and how I couldn't handle the sadness.
There is still a hole in my heart that my children have left and I know they are with God and watching over my and my husband. They have each other too so my first is no longer alone. I love them both with my entire heart and soul and they will be with me everywhere I go in life and with my future children. I can't wait to be a mom. I can't wait to hold my child in my arms for the first time and look into their eyes and tell them how much i love them. one day I will be able to share with them about their two siblings that they never got to meet but will never be forgotten.
It is time that I finally put one foot in front of the other. I think it is time to start the next part of everything. I know I will have rough days where every single sad feeling comes rushing back but I know that finally the good days will come in because I am going to finally let them.
Replies
Wow. Your last 2 paragraphs gave me chills and brought tears to my eyes. It is encouraging to know that you are finding your way through this grief and heartache. Thinking of you.
You sound like a mom to me. Your children may not be here on earth but you starting the trip forward show what a great mom you already are and what a great mom you will be to your rainbow babies. :-)
You give me the strength to believe that I can get through this, we can get through this. I got tears in my eyes when I read the last of this entry.You are going to be a wonderful mom someday. I am happy that you are finding your way. I\'ll keep praying for us and for the strength. You have helped in ways I can\'t describe.Thank you. *HUGS*
You are amazing, and SO strong. The realization you had was also an Ah-ha moment for me. I was forcing my ex into the Support me role, and not giving him what he needed. Try to be there to support him, talk to him about how he feels and make sure he gets the chance to share his grief with you. I shut mine out completely, (well he shut down or off, or however you describe it) and turned to his video games and beer. I turned to DS and shared all with my wonderful mommies on here, and he didn\'t get the chance. So when I have the chance--- I tell the mommies out there make sure your hubbys have the chance to share with you. They lost a child too, but men grieve so differently from us that it is hard to do it together. I hope you find some peace...
Meghan
Very big hugs. This was a big healing moment and turning point for both of you. I agree with CraftyMamaBear, men do show emotional upsets differently. I blame society for telling them to hold it in and act normal. It makes it a complicated code for us to figure out in order to see our men need grieving space. Now that you have an insight, I hope it helps both of you heal together.