Rock bottom?
I've always wondered what it would take for me to decide that pulling would no longer be worth it. Would it mean costing me a boyfriend? A friend? My family? Fortunately, I have understanding people in my life, but why am I so willing to just accept the fact that I pull out my hair? Why do I feel like I HAVE to do it?
I don't know if trying to think of this as choosing to pull out my hair is better or worse. If it's not a choice, then I can't get better and I am powerless. Boo. If it is a choice, then this is something that I am inflicting on myself. Something that feels so good that I am willing to give up a normal life to have... It has essentially been my CHOICE not to go to the hairdresser for 15 years, not to have a normal prom, to wear makeup every time I set foot outside my house, to constantly worry about wind and hairspray and mascara and people getting too close to me. It's a choice that we all make, I think, and I'm trying to figure out now what is going to have to happen for me to stop.
I've had the nervous breakdowns. I've avoided people. I've lost all the hair on top of my head, plus my brows, plus my lashes. I've vacuumed/picked up more hair in the past couple of months than most people do in their lifetime. In many ways, I am a completely functioning adult - everyone's weird in their own way, that's a fact - but in others, I am so totally in denial and stunted that I'm worried that I've lost the ability to open up to people about who I am. Because I just haven't dealt with who I am myself.
Trich is a part of me. It doesn't define me, but I can't deny that it has shaped me. And while I've done most everything I wanted to do (mascara model has never topped my bucket list, thank god), it has still produced a lot of negativity in my life.
So. I think rock bottom may not be being bald - that's just a physical appearance, even though it does come with some awful awkwardness and pain. I think rock bottom is being so lost in your trich, so desperate to deny its existence, so scared that people will think poorly of you, that you lose track of who you are because you're letting fear control your life.
And I don't want to do that anymore.
I don't know if trying to think of this as choosing to pull out my hair is better or worse. If it's not a choice, then I can't get better and I am powerless. Boo. If it is a choice, then this is something that I am inflicting on myself. Something that feels so good that I am willing to give up a normal life to have... It has essentially been my CHOICE not to go to the hairdresser for 15 years, not to have a normal prom, to wear makeup every time I set foot outside my house, to constantly worry about wind and hairspray and mascara and people getting too close to me. It's a choice that we all make, I think, and I'm trying to figure out now what is going to have to happen for me to stop.
I've had the nervous breakdowns. I've avoided people. I've lost all the hair on top of my head, plus my brows, plus my lashes. I've vacuumed/picked up more hair in the past couple of months than most people do in their lifetime. In many ways, I am a completely functioning adult - everyone's weird in their own way, that's a fact - but in others, I am so totally in denial and stunted that I'm worried that I've lost the ability to open up to people about who I am. Because I just haven't dealt with who I am myself.
Trich is a part of me. It doesn't define me, but I can't deny that it has shaped me. And while I've done most everything I wanted to do (mascara model has never topped my bucket list, thank god), it has still produced a lot of negativity in my life.
So. I think rock bottom may not be being bald - that's just a physical appearance, even though it does come with some awful awkwardness and pain. I think rock bottom is being so lost in your trich, so desperate to deny its existence, so scared that people will think poorly of you, that you lose track of who you are because you're letting fear control your life.
And I don't want to do that anymore.
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