Rock Bottom
Last night I think was my rock bottom moment. I finally said out loud to my husband a lot of feelings and thoughts that I had but I couldn't voice before. I had lost faith. I had concentrated so hard of what I didn't have anymore I lost sight of many things.
I realized after all the research I had done that had my child been born with the missing chromosome he would have had Turner Syndrome. I then thought would I want to hurt my child by putting them on this earth hurting? I know I would love my child with my entire heart and soul but every day I looked at my child I would know it was because of me that they were hurting. I couldn't live with that. God made the choice for me because I wasn't even aware of what was going on inside my body.
I know I am a strong person and last night my husband said something to me that I think shocked me into a realization. He knew I was strong enough to get "through" this but he was worried about what condition my soul and heart would be on the otherside of me moving on. I think that completely shocked me. I had not thought of it because I was in the moment of the pain and sadness. I didn't think about it like that at all. I realized that i needed to. I realized that if I let it, this sadness and pain would take me over completely and then what kind of a mother would I really be? What kind of a wife would I be?
I also realized that because I was so sad and depressed that I wasn't giving my husband time to grieve either. He was so concerned with me and helping me stand that he wasn't able to cope with what had happened. I found out that while I would sleep at night, my husband would talk to our little one and touch my stomach. He shared his dreams with our children and his love and I wasn't giving him a chance to say good bye because everything was all about my feelings and how I couldn't handle the sadness.
There is still a hole in my heart that my children have left and I know they are with God and watching over my and my husband. They have each other too so my first is no longer alone. I love them both with my entire heart and soul and they will be with me everywhere I go in life and with my future children. I can't wait to be a mom. I can't wait to hold my child in my arms for the first time and look into their eyes and tell them how much i love them. one day I will be able to share with them about their two siblings that they never got to meet but will never be forgotten.
It is time that I finally put one foot in front of the other. I think it is time to start the next part of everything. I know I will have rough days where every single sad feeling comes rushing back but I know that finally the good days will come in because I am going to finally let them.
I realized after all the research I had done that had my child been born with the missing chromosome he would have had Turner Syndrome. I then thought would I want to hurt my child by putting them on this earth hurting? I know I would love my child with my entire heart and soul but every day I looked at my child I would know it was because of me that they were hurting. I couldn't live with that. God made the choice for me because I wasn't even aware of what was going on inside my body.
I know I am a strong person and last night my husband said something to me that I think shocked me into a realization. He knew I was strong enough to get "through" this but he was worried about what condition my soul and heart would be on the otherside of me moving on. I think that completely shocked me. I had not thought of it because I was in the moment of the pain and sadness. I didn't think about it like that at all. I realized that i needed to. I realized that if I let it, this sadness and pain would take me over completely and then what kind of a mother would I really be? What kind of a wife would I be?
I also realized that because I was so sad and depressed that I wasn't giving my husband time to grieve either. He was so concerned with me and helping me stand that he wasn't able to cope with what had happened. I found out that while I would sleep at night, my husband would talk to our little one and touch my stomach. He shared his dreams with our children and his love and I wasn't giving him a chance to say good bye because everything was all about my feelings and how I couldn't handle the sadness.
There is still a hole in my heart that my children have left and I know they are with God and watching over my and my husband. They have each other too so my first is no longer alone. I love them both with my entire heart and soul and they will be with me everywhere I go in life and with my future children. I can't wait to be a mom. I can't wait to hold my child in my arms for the first time and look into their eyes and tell them how much i love them. one day I will be able to share with them about their two siblings that they never got to meet but will never be forgotten.
It is time that I finally put one foot in front of the other. I think it is time to start the next part of everything. I know I will have rough days where every single sad feeling comes rushing back but I know that finally the good days will come in because I am going to finally let them.
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