Ripe for the Plucking
I still get upset when I think about it. This man came into my life after I had started to recover and my children were still recovering from the sexual abuse of my daughter. It was my first step back out in to the world. I had no intentions of a serious relationship. I actually knew that I needed time. And BAM!! I met the most wonderful man. Of course, he agreed that we should take it slow. He was considering moving back to France and was very upfront that he could not promise anything. But, wow, he was amazing. I was honest about the state of my life, feeling that anyone interested in dating me more than a few times should know that I had kids, that our lives hadn't been great and there were struggles to face. I gave him all the ammunition he needed. Just in everyday conversation, I let him know how much I was sensitive, how much I really wanted something real after all the past b.s., and even how I didn't like overly-sentimental syrupy guys. Well, I got exactly what I asked for!!! He never pushed a physical relationship, was sooo straight-up with me, spent hours doing things I enjoyed - reading old French poetry into the wee hours of the night, talking philosophy, politics and everything you can imagine. He was so very perfect in every way. He was the most handsome man I'd ever known. He was sweet and smart and never attempted to give me silly "lines".
It was all so good, until we married, and then he was just late, all the time. Then he made me believe what I knew wasn't true. He hadn't said that. I had never told him that. It was all so baffling when I knew what was really said. I started to doubt myself, just a bit. Before long, I was doing acrobatics to keep up with his expectations and somehow, he was just never there when needed. Of course, there was always a good reason. Before you know it, I'm working full time, caring for the kids full time, taking care of the house full time and where is he?? At some point, I really started to wonder and to check. First, a ran upon some emails between him and a girl - but of course, that was one of his friends that was using his account. Then I notice this number recurring over and over again, 100's of calls and texts per month...on MY phone bill, that I'm paying. So, I ask and of course, it's just a client. All the excuses were so smooth and convenient. I know my logic knew better, but my heart gave the benefit of doubt. He was so wonderful after all. Then the girl from the emails and calls actually called me!! Oh my!! This is a 19-year-old girl, telling me she had slept with my husband, that she had no idea he was married until someone else told her, that after that he had explained that I was just a marriage of convenience and of course, I was so crazily jealous, he just didn't understand it. A girl practically my daughter's age is asking me if I've had much experience with men!!! Of course, he tells me she is with another guy they know, just jealous and crazy. He is so damned good and convincing, even my mom believed him!! I still have doubts, but once again, the benefit of the doubt.
Over and over and over again, the entire relationship...wondering, becoming more crazy, hurt and paranoid. Soon, I really AM the crazy one, fact checking, begging, yelling, crying, screaming, hitting out. At this point, I have no clue who I am anymore. My entire life is revolving around simultaneously trying to keep this man happy while trying to find solid PROOF that he's lying. Where did I go??
It all seems silly looking back. Why did I not see? Why would I let him get away with so much? Why? Because he was a master of manipulation. He knew exactly how far he could go and exactly how much I would take. He knew when I was just almost there, and he could suddenly become that perfect man I first met.
If I look at that very first email I saw to this other girl, so early on (a mere 6 months after our marriage)...I can see how flowery his words to her are, how sickly smooth and sweet they are. He never gave me this, but of course, that wasn't my dream. I had already told him I didn't like syrup and liked it real. He spoon fed me exactly what I asked for, while at the same time systematically tearing apart the very core of my beliefs in myself. He became exactly what I needed at that time and then exploited it all. I was like a big, fat, juicy, ripe piece of fruit to him. After he savored all the juice out of me, he took the pit that was what remained of me and threw it out with no regard whatsoever.
I will be thankful this night to be away from this sickness, that I have somehow managed to hold on to that glimmer of hope and faith I still have inside, what he wasn't able to kill, and that I have the chance to rekindle this little flame inside of me and become so much more than anything he will ever have.
It was all so good, until we married, and then he was just late, all the time. Then he made me believe what I knew wasn't true. He hadn't said that. I had never told him that. It was all so baffling when I knew what was really said. I started to doubt myself, just a bit. Before long, I was doing acrobatics to keep up with his expectations and somehow, he was just never there when needed. Of course, there was always a good reason. Before you know it, I'm working full time, caring for the kids full time, taking care of the house full time and where is he?? At some point, I really started to wonder and to check. First, a ran upon some emails between him and a girl - but of course, that was one of his friends that was using his account. Then I notice this number recurring over and over again, 100's of calls and texts per month...on MY phone bill, that I'm paying. So, I ask and of course, it's just a client. All the excuses were so smooth and convenient. I know my logic knew better, but my heart gave the benefit of doubt. He was so wonderful after all. Then the girl from the emails and calls actually called me!! Oh my!! This is a 19-year-old girl, telling me she had slept with my husband, that she had no idea he was married until someone else told her, that after that he had explained that I was just a marriage of convenience and of course, I was so crazily jealous, he just didn't understand it. A girl practically my daughter's age is asking me if I've had much experience with men!!! Of course, he tells me she is with another guy they know, just jealous and crazy. He is so damned good and convincing, even my mom believed him!! I still have doubts, but once again, the benefit of the doubt.
Over and over and over again, the entire relationship...wondering, becoming more crazy, hurt and paranoid. Soon, I really AM the crazy one, fact checking, begging, yelling, crying, screaming, hitting out. At this point, I have no clue who I am anymore. My entire life is revolving around simultaneously trying to keep this man happy while trying to find solid PROOF that he's lying. Where did I go??
It all seems silly looking back. Why did I not see? Why would I let him get away with so much? Why? Because he was a master of manipulation. He knew exactly how far he could go and exactly how much I would take. He knew when I was just almost there, and he could suddenly become that perfect man I first met.
If I look at that very first email I saw to this other girl, so early on (a mere 6 months after our marriage)...I can see how flowery his words to her are, how sickly smooth and sweet they are. He never gave me this, but of course, that wasn't my dream. I had already told him I didn't like syrup and liked it real. He spoon fed me exactly what I asked for, while at the same time systematically tearing apart the very core of my beliefs in myself. He became exactly what I needed at that time and then exploited it all. I was like a big, fat, juicy, ripe piece of fruit to him. After he savored all the juice out of me, he took the pit that was what remained of me and threw it out with no regard whatsoever.
I will be thankful this night to be away from this sickness, that I have somehow managed to hold on to that glimmer of hope and faith I still have inside, what he wasn't able to kill, and that I have the chance to rekindle this little flame inside of me and become so much more than anything he will ever have.
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