ridiculous thoughts

I often feel like I try so hard to keep it together only to notice that the more I need to contain something, the more it seeps through in unexpected areas:   I can't stay completely smoke-free.  I try.  I tell myself I'm doing it for my nephew.  I can't do it for myself.  Because I couldn't give two shits about my lungs.  If I die from cancer, so fucking be it.  Whoop-ti-do, we all go sometime anyhow!   I feel like my husband doesn't care so long as it doesn't inconvenience him.  I'll be damned if I can even talk to him, because I feel like some sort of buzzkill.  Yeah, he's come a long way from where he was last summer, but he's seemingly verging on becoming an insensitive, selfish ass.  All I can be certain of is I'm still not happy in this relationships.  Eleven years of sufficiency-at-best is no way to live a life IMO. I'm so sick of my job, catering to clients & superiors & inferiors who are only out for their own.  I'm tired of putting my ass on the line.  I'm tired of trying to be of service to everyone else whilst neglecting my own needs.   ...that implies I even know what my own needs are.  I don't.  I just have stupid obsessions. It's getting progressively harder not to cut even though it's been nearly a year.  I somewhat feel like if I can do it just one more time that'll be enough.  But I know that's not true.  I know once becomes twice & so on until the snowball becomes an avalanche.  I'm hanging tough for now.