rest of my trip...
On our way to Orlando on Friday Dec 30, we made a stop at my old Pastor’s house, Pastor Gysan. He is the one who is going to do our ceremony at our wedding. We had an absolutely lovely time! He talked to us about marriage, the meaning of it and so much more. He had prepared a service already and had it all written out on paper- so we went through it and made some changes. The thing that I love about Pastor Gysan is that he takes the time to get to know everyone so well. He never has a service that in the slightest way resembles another one, they are all unique. It was great- plus he knows me from when I was young and knows everything about me J
Saturday, New Year’s Eve, we spent the day at the Magic Kingdom in Disney. It was exhausting. It was one of the most stressful and anxiety provoking days of my life. There were way too many people and too much noise- I could not handle it. I had two anxiety attacks…Carlos was pretty helpful but I could tell was very frustrated because he I was on the verge of blowing up all day and couldn’t calm down. I flipped on my mom at one point and she threw a shit flip back at me. I ended up in the bathroom crying during a fireworks show. I did text Joanna because I needed support. She told me to focus on something else and reminded me that I would soon be back in my normal routine. I wanted to get the fuck out of there. It was horrible. What I just wrote is a horrible description of how bad it was. New Year’s Day was a little better- we hung around the condo’s property and played various games (soccer, bball, Ping-Pong, foosball etc.). I was getting frustrated and really down because I felt as though I sucked at everything- again going towards the fact that I don’t believe there is anything that I am good at anymore. That night after dinner we went to downtown Disney- I wanted to go in the afternoon where there would probably be less people, but no that idea was shot down. It was just as bad as NYE. Horrible. I cried and just wanted to leave but couldn’t because we took one car. Too many people. Too loud. Too crowded. Too many things going on. It was a nightmare. My body was so exhausted as well, which just made it worse. Every muscle in my body ached that night- there were parts of my body that hurt that I didn’t even know could hurt. I have never been so exhausted, in so much muscular pain.
Monday we went to the animal kingdom. The day was better and I was not super anxious all day. Though anxiety was still very present during meals. I was sick and tired of eating out at that point. My body was sore and aching all over. Every muscle was in pain and I was exhausted from head to toe. All I wanted to do was go back to the condo and sleep with penny. I just wanted to go home, yet there was another park to go to on Tuesday.
Tuesday- our last day- Carlos and I went to Epcot ourselves today which was nice. And we made it a short day which was much needed.
Being away from home was way too uncomfortable- I like my routine. The most exciting day for me on the vacation was Wednesday….the day we drove home! That’s sad. And since being back I have felt much more comfortable with everything.
Since being back my eating has gone downhill, because I regained the two pounds I had lost the Tuesday we left to go to FL. Even though it just brought me to wear I was prior…I can’t handle the gain.
Lastly, remember when I felt so left out and forgotten because the therapist from Dominion didn’t do any follow up calls with me when I was told from others that she had called them? Well I finally grew the balls to email her and I did on Wednesday night. She called me immediately the next morning. She apologized greatly and wants to do a better job communicating. She asked if she could call me every couple weeks to check in…I was shocked by the offer, but accepted it. She is going to call me again on Jan 18.
For the past week or so I have been very depressed. On the verge of tears all day every day. Needing to cry but only a few tears come out. And there is no reason that I can get a grasp on for the times when I do cry. Today at work I just wanted to go home, crawl up in a ball on my couch and disappear. I just feel like there is no purpose for me right now. I’m having a very difficult time with everything at the moment. Bleh.
Saturday, New Year’s Eve, we spent the day at the Magic Kingdom in Disney. It was exhausting. It was one of the most stressful and anxiety provoking days of my life. There were way too many people and too much noise- I could not handle it. I had two anxiety attacks…Carlos was pretty helpful but I could tell was very frustrated because he I was on the verge of blowing up all day and couldn’t calm down. I flipped on my mom at one point and she threw a shit flip back at me. I ended up in the bathroom crying during a fireworks show. I did text Joanna because I needed support. She told me to focus on something else and reminded me that I would soon be back in my normal routine. I wanted to get the fuck out of there. It was horrible. What I just wrote is a horrible description of how bad it was. New Year’s Day was a little better- we hung around the condo’s property and played various games (soccer, bball, Ping-Pong, foosball etc.). I was getting frustrated and really down because I felt as though I sucked at everything- again going towards the fact that I don’t believe there is anything that I am good at anymore. That night after dinner we went to downtown Disney- I wanted to go in the afternoon where there would probably be less people, but no that idea was shot down. It was just as bad as NYE. Horrible. I cried and just wanted to leave but couldn’t because we took one car. Too many people. Too loud. Too crowded. Too many things going on. It was a nightmare. My body was so exhausted as well, which just made it worse. Every muscle in my body ached that night- there were parts of my body that hurt that I didn’t even know could hurt. I have never been so exhausted, in so much muscular pain.
Monday we went to the animal kingdom. The day was better and I was not super anxious all day. Though anxiety was still very present during meals. I was sick and tired of eating out at that point. My body was sore and aching all over. Every muscle was in pain and I was exhausted from head to toe. All I wanted to do was go back to the condo and sleep with penny. I just wanted to go home, yet there was another park to go to on Tuesday.
Tuesday- our last day- Carlos and I went to Epcot ourselves today which was nice. And we made it a short day which was much needed.
Being away from home was way too uncomfortable- I like my routine. The most exciting day for me on the vacation was Wednesday….the day we drove home! That’s sad. And since being back I have felt much more comfortable with everything.
Since being back my eating has gone downhill, because I regained the two pounds I had lost the Tuesday we left to go to FL. Even though it just brought me to wear I was prior…I can’t handle the gain.
Lastly, remember when I felt so left out and forgotten because the therapist from Dominion didn’t do any follow up calls with me when I was told from others that she had called them? Well I finally grew the balls to email her and I did on Wednesday night. She called me immediately the next morning. She apologized greatly and wants to do a better job communicating. She asked if she could call me every couple weeks to check in…I was shocked by the offer, but accepted it. She is going to call me again on Jan 18.
For the past week or so I have been very depressed. On the verge of tears all day every day. Needing to cry but only a few tears come out. And there is no reason that I can get a grasp on for the times when I do cry. Today at work I just wanted to go home, crawl up in a ball on my couch and disappear. I just feel like there is no purpose for me right now. I’m having a very difficult time with everything at the moment. Bleh.
Replies
Well, your pastor sounds fantastic and you are lucky to have somebody like him to do your wedding.
Your new year\'s eve sounds just horrible. I remember having attacks like this at a baseball game and even once in a Target. I hid in the bathroom and cried being scared there were creatures out to get me. Crazy shit isn\'t it? Too bad you didn\'t have much fun playing the games. You know that\'s what they are - just games. It\'s not always a competition and you don\'t have to be the best or even good at it to have fun. I suck at team sport but I still can have fun.
I\'m glad you are back home and hope you can relax but you can\'t let the food go down hill. Remember those two pounds you lost were an unexpected loss so I hope you try to get them back.
You rock for contacting Dominion and I\'m so glad they will stay in contact. It was probably an innocent oversight but I\'m glad you are getting the attention you deserve.
When do you see Joanna. Hope she can help with the depression and convince you that you do have a purpose. We all do.
thaks Karin. I see her tuesday. My normal MWF schedule is messed up this week and really bothers me. It bothers me because we had to change my monday 4pm time due to cioaching- and while i was coachiang she didnt have anyone else fill that spot (because i guess no one asked for it or needed it)....but literally immediately once i quit the spot got filled. i confronted joanna about this and told her how i felt on friday, but it wasnt until i walked out the door that i broke down in tears. on friady she said that we are going to have to focus on the things that i am good at to bring back my confidence. I think the whole coaching thing really busted any confidence i had.
i did gain those 2 pounds back over the week in florida which fucking scares the living shit out of me. i weighed my self yesterday and today, and today i went back down 1/2 a pound which made me feel better. but at the same time it\'s like i dont fully believe the scale that i actually lost.
what the fuck is wrong with me!?!??!
Hello love. Just catching up on your trip. It sounds like you did fantastically. I can only imagine how anxiety provoking and overwhelming all of those crowds must have been. It must have taken considerable strength to get through that. I am proud of you. I am sorry you are feeling so depressed, this is quite normal following some time away from home, especially if you have been putting on a face whilst you have been away. Hopefully things will improve soon as the week progresses and you get back into your routine. That was nice of the lady to contact you from Dominion. Please take her up on her offer and do nott let this opportunity slide. You deserve and need the support and it is good that they want to help you sweetie. I know it\'s hard but remember giving up is not an option. You\'re too good for that huni xxx