Responsibility

It seems I'm being taught that co-dependency is a responsibility disease. I shudder at the thought. It seems I have a problem with defining what my responsibilities are, where I have control and where I don't. It seems I feel responsible for whatever I'm told I'm responsible for; like it doesn't matter. If someone wants to blame me for something they assign me responsibility and there are no excuses. Whatever I'm assigned responsibility for, that's it, no defense. It has nothing to do with logic are reality. If I'm accused, I'm guilty; whether I was told what I was responsible for or not, I was somehow supposed to be psychic enough to have known (or I forgot). It feels like scape-goating. It also feels like I can't defend myself, or argue about it. I'm being attacked, and that's it. I'm being assigned 'blame'. It feels like learned helplessness. (and then again maybe I did forget, or wasn't paying attention; although I do seem to be a detailed person, and orderly, so...)  As a co-dependent, it feels like I am not allowed to defend myself, that I expect someone else to defend me; putting the responsibility for defending myself on someone else. It also has caused a ot of anger and guilt to be burried under the inequity of the attacks. Like I said, there is a real problem in this area. Definitely an area that I need to explore with my feelings. I'm also feeling the feelings of a victim; and now I am waking up to the fact that I am responsible for continuing to feel like a victim. It is somehow connected to making excuses or explaining. That's where the tangle is, how much power do I have to control things, and set my responsibilities? Who sets my responsibilities? Where's the "Rule Book"? How do I know when I'm being responsible or not? How do I know when I'm just being abused with emotional abuse from someone else or not? Who do I have to slap around when I feel someone is attacking me with their own emotional irresponsibilities? How come I'm not "allowed" to defend myself? Have I always surrounded myself with 'crazy' people? Who blame everyone else for their feelings; rightly or wrongly? Is that how I was taught to be irresponsibile? Responsibility isn't a natural concept, especially social responsibility, it has to be taught. So who screwed up!? Me, the student, or my teachers? Explain that.    This can get interesting. In gestalt therapy there are two major goals, awareness, of what one is doing, thinking, and feeling; and responsibility, for those behaviors, thoughts, and feelings so they can be changed. This is uncharted territory for me. There is a serious part of the self-esteem scheme missing here for me. Is the responsibility charge the source of my low self-esteem? And whose ass do I start kicking when I feel falsely accused to teach them not to do that to me? Afterall, I am taught that conflict is bad, and always my fault. That whatever goes wrong, it's my fault; the co-dependents 'creed'. Learned guilt. Hell, it's no wonder I'm such a recluse and isolate my self; I'm responsible for EVERYTHING that goes wrong! I need some new teachers.  (This morning I'm going in for my colonoscopy. I'll check in later this afternoon. I'm starving, a little. First they give you 4 liters of a liquid to drink to clean out your colon, then you can't eat any solids until the procedure. Actually, it feels like a good diet regimine. (However if anything is found wrong, I'll probably be my fault; it always is.)