“Respect” with heavy quotations
I’m not feeling up to work, so maybe venting into a journal will let me get to work.
My dad’s calmed down sort of lately. Apparently yetserday he and my mom had a long chat about me, or us as a family. She told me he’s very disappointed and hurt because I don’t respect him.
I have no sympathy for it. If he’s disappointed and hurt maybe he should derive self worth from something other than his daughter’s opinion from him.
Mate... he doesn’t respect me. 90% of the time when we were still talking it was so he could criticize me. He is dehumanizing, throws tantrums, and is terrible with communication. In many ways I almost prefer this silence. If we don’t speak to each other then I don’t have to deal with that anymore, at least.
Let’s not mention the screaming meltdowns he had, the yelling and the throwing, abusing a helpless animal, acting like he’s five. I lost my respect for him a long time ago with good reason. He doesn’t deserve it simply cause he’s my dad. If he had a daughter just to milk her for respect and admiration so he could feel worth something, perhaps he shouldn’t have wanted one. Daughters are humans. I’m human. I’m not his.
Out of the dozen plus colleges I am applying to, only one is close enough that I could live at home. Next year at this time.... I will likely be moving out. Until then I’ll just have to learn how to do stuff like drive and be more independent so I don’t need to rely on him anymore. Never again.
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Do they have drivers ed in your school? ..I agree with your stance on everything, u have a more mature grasp on things than your parents. You've come a long way, I'm amazed at the strong young lady u have blossomed into
Oh, cach, I may seem like I have a grasp on things but I am actually still so conflicted. I know that I’m right for holding my ground here and trying to have boundaries on his bs, but the family tension is also driving me batshit insane.
I don’t know what to do anymore. My mom kind of just told me that it’s my fault I feel the way I do and she won’t help me. Damn, it hurt. She even told me I’ve been crazy these last couple days. The injustice, the lack of support, I’m really cracking here, there are very, very few people I feel I can speak to in my life, and I can’t justify doing it now because I refuse to become the energy vampire that that toxic friend I cut out was.
It’s summer, It’s hot as fucking balls here in LA, or else I would escape the house more. My mom is leaving tomorrow for a gd weekend trip at the worst time possible, my dad has to send me places, I’m dreading it to pieces.
I just don’t feel strong enough to handle this, how far can I be pushed before I fall apart? I feel like I’m finally actively fighting for the first time in months, but started at the worst time possible.
I just feel so ashamed of myself- I’m turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms, I must have developed an internet addiction this week, I have little motivation to get up in the mornings, above all it feels hopeless.
Everything is tangled together in my head, I don’t know how to unravel it.
It's 'ironic' that u say this, cause, I'm feeling very much the same way- and - like u- I'm really trying not to drag anyone else down the hole with me. All i can say is, just like any tangled thing, u must be very patient and move slowly, and maybe u need more rest,and that's ok , we do need to replenish our emotions too- they can drain our batteries and we need more sleep. I haven't really been talking to my dad either, we had a blow out- Earlier this week. And I'm trying to paint something outside so the nosey birthmother keeps hovering around affecting my creative process, I need the natural lighting, plus I can't have any chemical smell by the finches for their safety, so I'm just doing things bit by bit. Think of yourself as a ninja, it helps, move around ppl soundlessly. (Your dad) don't leave any trace u were there so he has nothing to say to u. You'll be ok, look back on your art, your pictures from travel, Alaska- transport yourself...