resolution after something
I was feeling really cut to bone last night -
and this morning.
My therapist and I had a great conversation -
and then I reached out to the elder in Switzerland and
I said "i love you - could you please send a pic of "himself"?
He wrote back 'tell Mr. Denis (my brother) that he loves him'
and then said nothing about me saying I love you to him - or
about the photo request.
I really struggled with that -
Like it's teaching me to continue to be myself but to be stronger
emotionally - and accept that adults who have adult responsibilities
and positions of power aren't always well behaved!! NUFF SAID!! :)
that's probably altogether true..and pretty obvious!
It hurt but I can accept that I have to deal with that -
processing.
Maybe also it's teaching me to be responsible about my own power
and not just give it up to the elders. While they may be in a position of power -
it doesn't mean that I don't question them or their actions.
As I said to my therapist yesterday - I have an aggression and insecurity within me
that when I am not engaged it spins paranoia - and also just a feeling that the world
hates me - but I have to keep on keeping on - and question that - (and frankly I wonder why that is?) but when it's time to connect with someone - it's sometimes hard to maintain
the consideration for them - without feeling fatigued and vulnerable and anxious and weak and like I can't wait till I don't have
to talk and expose myself to the person anymore.
I love being here with you guys though - and again maybe I just needed to respond to this kind of gut punch
just like an adult would - like I am one - like indeed I am : )
I used to be happy and social when younger though always sensitive -
one teacher said "mark feels the pain of leadership" in 7th grade.
Replies
yeah - definitely just being stronger with things - we're all juggling stuff here... everyone's lives have
a lot of moving parts.
who are you and what have you done with my grasshopper!?!?!?!
i agree with your 7th grade teacher. i can easily imagine that teacher happy dancing with me that our little lump of coal is showing his diamond facets, at last. 'bout freaking time, markus. i know, i know. . . ya can't rush quality.
each of us juggle all those moving parts far better when we keep our focus on our own balls and trust our fellow circus clowns to do likewise.
oopsie. . am i mixing metaphors AGAIN? keep your red pen in your pocket, professor. methinks my fellow questioner can handle mixed metaphors.
thanks arfie!
As a fellow sensitive soul, I felt sadness when I read that your "I love you" wasn't reciprocated. It can be easy to mind read or assume that we know why people do things. In this case, perhaps the elder believed you already know that he loves you. Maybe he was distracted by other things. It is highly unlikely that he doesn't love you, if for no other reason than in his position, he is called to do so. (Plus, how could anyone *not* care about you?)
Yes, it's very much about not giving others the power to make you feel bad. (Much easier said than done!) Instances like this can make one hesitant to be vulnerable in the future. But, I'd encourage you to keep expressing what you feel. Those are wonderful words to hear, and not said (or meant) often enough. Hugs.
thanks judy! that was so beautifully written! thank you for your kind words! :) (hug)