Resistance and setting boundaries
Its hard not to take people's shortcomings personal. For instance- my brother. He's a complete narcissus- selfish, irresponsible, arrogant, flippant, dismissive. None of that makes it hurt less that he doesn't care to get to know me or my family. I fight the feeling that there's something wrong w me. Like if I was- for lack of a better term- "better" then he would want to be a real part of my life. "Real" being the opportune part of that sentence. He wants to be a part of my life alright- a surface part. That's what many people want. But that shit just really does nothing for me. Many people seem to suggest that I would be less lonely if I just took things "lighter". Maybe they're right. But I really don't think my struggle with taking things "lightly" has anything to do with my loneliness- not directly anyway. I've always believed in quality over quantity. I'd rather be alone than hang out with someone I don't particularly care for. As a result I'm alone most of the time. And it sucks.
However- my struggle w taking things "lightly" does keep me from allowing other people into my life. I admit I'm cynical about people's underlying intentions when it comes to me. I've been screwed a lot. And I've let a lot of the wrong people into my life. So yes, I watch my step. I think I'd be stupid not to.
What the fuck was my point again? Ah yes, that I take my brother's lack of desire to be a "real" part of my life personally. That's one of the main reasons its best that I stopped talking to C. She just acts like she can't fucking stand me- but she's trying really hard to- and bc she tries so hard I should just forgive the fact that most of the times she acts totally disgusted by me. Her and AJ are the same when it comes to that. My brother would take a bullet for me. I know he would. No questions asked. But he can't sit there and have a fucking whole conversation w me without being one foot out the door. That shit just isn't good enough. Thing is- I'd probably take a bullet for him too- and I would for C also- but that doesn't mean it hurts any less to have her dismiss everything I say and roll her eyes when I'm talking. That still makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. And if I ever want to fully heal and have my life be good then I can't have that be a part of my life. If that makes me a bad person then so be it. I've tried long enough. Everyone else seems to have the right to have whoever they want in their life- the right to be selfish the right to be choosy of what they tolerate. Yet people like C seem to think I just don't deserve that. Fuck them. I'm a good person and I deserve to be treated good. I deserve to be treated w respect. I deserve not to have someone act disgusted when I speak- no matter how "good" they feel their rational for doing so is. I deserve to be around people that like who I am as a person. I deserve to be around people that like me. I have the right to confront people when they mistreat me in any way. I know I don't deserve having to keep my feelings inside bc it makes other people more comfortable if I just stay quiet. I know I deserve to be treated with respect. I know I deserve basic courtesy. I know I have a right to not be mistreated by anyone, ever. I know I don't deserve to be anyone's doormat, ever, for any reason.
The last several sentences are going to be added to my list of affirmations. I have to beat them into my own head to offset the many years I've allowed people to make me feel otherwise. I'm going to add them to the list now.
However- my struggle w taking things "lightly" does keep me from allowing other people into my life. I admit I'm cynical about people's underlying intentions when it comes to me. I've been screwed a lot. And I've let a lot of the wrong people into my life. So yes, I watch my step. I think I'd be stupid not to.
What the fuck was my point again? Ah yes, that I take my brother's lack of desire to be a "real" part of my life personally. That's one of the main reasons its best that I stopped talking to C. She just acts like she can't fucking stand me- but she's trying really hard to- and bc she tries so hard I should just forgive the fact that most of the times she acts totally disgusted by me. Her and AJ are the same when it comes to that. My brother would take a bullet for me. I know he would. No questions asked. But he can't sit there and have a fucking whole conversation w me without being one foot out the door. That shit just isn't good enough. Thing is- I'd probably take a bullet for him too- and I would for C also- but that doesn't mean it hurts any less to have her dismiss everything I say and roll her eyes when I'm talking. That still makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. And if I ever want to fully heal and have my life be good then I can't have that be a part of my life. If that makes me a bad person then so be it. I've tried long enough. Everyone else seems to have the right to have whoever they want in their life- the right to be selfish the right to be choosy of what they tolerate. Yet people like C seem to think I just don't deserve that. Fuck them. I'm a good person and I deserve to be treated good. I deserve to be treated w respect. I deserve not to have someone act disgusted when I speak- no matter how "good" they feel their rational for doing so is. I deserve to be around people that like who I am as a person. I deserve to be around people that like me. I have the right to confront people when they mistreat me in any way. I know I don't deserve having to keep my feelings inside bc it makes other people more comfortable if I just stay quiet. I know I deserve to be treated with respect. I know I deserve basic courtesy. I know I have a right to not be mistreated by anyone, ever. I know I don't deserve to be anyone's doormat, ever, for any reason.
The last several sentences are going to be added to my list of affirmations. I have to beat them into my own head to offset the many years I've allowed people to make me feel otherwise. I'm going to add them to the list now.
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