resignation to stuff -
I've decided I am going to try and not phone or email my therapist over weekends.
I am going to write my issues here and then pull them together for when we meet.
I feel like that is fair. My cousin is married to a therapist - and sometimes he wishes
he could tell his patients to 'buzz off' during vacations and weekends as well.
Tonight I was standing in front of the altar - conducting Great Vespers and then after the meal,
I conducted Small Compline. At both services I was a nervous wreck- total anxiety attack
and existential questioning.I had a mind that couldn't grasp the content - Heart pains as well. I wanted to run from my pain - and apprehension about the services - like a little kid.
But I couldn't. I was there at the altar and this is my community - like it or not. I was thinking
at the time of the Great Vespers - that "I don't really get much out of conducting services". "I really don't like doing this"
I like the communality of the place. I love the structured regularity - I love the peace and quiet.
But I started to feel the anxiety which was induced by some weird social interactions over the internet
and then also I just have been mulling over some evaluations of things in my life.
The long and the short of it - is - that I was in Small Compline and I felt all this anxiousness
about being controlled - not living in the way I want to - and for being a slave in some senses of the word.
That idea really sparked an idea in me....that all of us who make commitments in life - feel controlled
by them - and maybe a slave to them - in some regards. I've heard a psychologist say that 'we are all feeling trapped
in ourselves at times" but this thought was 'how we all to a degree feel a slave to the life we have committed to.'
I sincerely wish I could find joy in conducting the services. I will be conducting a confession tomorrow - which I like a lot.
Tonight - right now - all these thoughts have inspired some calm acceptance. I am in my room with the best cat
in the world! I am listening to the radio and banging away at the keyboard.
I'd love to call my therapist right away - but again I am feeling resigned to stuff and accepting to the structures we each have to abide by. She deserves her weekend and so do I...but I don't have one - because I am a priest HAHAHAHAAH!
But seriously life is just an athletic barrel of monkeys. Have a good night you guys!
Replies
Ah, the differences of what 'weekend' means in a duty that calls for daily work, so it's a real adjustment!
What exactly is the difference in doing confessions and doing service-is a balancing feel for the way you provide connected moments.
Here's to you! Doing what brings joy and finding joy in those ways you are working towards balance.
With all due respect, It sounds like there is a part of you that doesn't want to be there. Are you aligned with your souls purpose in life and what is it? I think we all reach a point where we ask ourselves these very same questions and I also believe we all get answers...I know I did! God Bless
Big hug sweetie...You are absolutely in a role of service sweetie
I wouldn't think of it as slave but you're there to serve people
I agree with Bob that you seem to still be really struggling
To me it seemed that you were a lot happier in CA
Could to talk with your pdoc about getting a prn for when you're really anxious
I've been on one and it really can help
You are in my prayers Marky to find peace on your journey...
Xo
Thanks Mid, Bob and Jan!
"I don't really get much out of conducting services." "I really don't like doing this."
There are other places that offer structure, peace, and communality. Life is too short to remain in a position where you feel like a slave, rather than a servant. To me, it seems you're called to help others, but there are many different ways of doing that.
Could the fact that you enjoy conducting confessions, but become anxious and unhappy during Great Vespers, be due to an expectation that you must handle the services "perfectly?" I recall you talking about how the sisters (and perhaps others) could be nit-picky about how things are done. Maybe that plays a role in you feeling like a captive, not a contributor?
What makes you feel truly fulfilled in life? Obviously, being Blue's best friend. : ) But, what else? Finding our true purpose in life can take time. Sometimes clarity comes through trial and error. It's OK if it turns out this was simply a place for you to learn more about yourself and others before moving on.
Praying that God will guide you in making the decision that is right for you. Hugs.
Markus, giving your life to God shouldn’t feel like you are enslaved to it. It should feel 100% where you are meant to be.
Many of us feel pressure in life to adhere to things that others may be guiding us to do. It is important to listen to guidance and responsibly adjust to what works for your own story.
I think once we have been told we are ill with a mental health condition, some of that shifts and we feel in order to heal and be well that we must adhere to formal guidelines and norms in order to feel accepted by society again. This is a big part of feeling balanced again - discovering what works best for you.
Only you can make the decision of staying where you are. You are right to give a therapist space so you can determine some of this with your own internal sounding board. There are multitudes of ways to serve God and do good in the world - adhering to structures can look different be it the church or a role in a company or in a community or with a volunteer organization.
I do agree with bob and jan that it sounds like you have been uncertain about this path. Sending prayers that you find peace in this path and feel comforted in what your decisions will be.
thanks judy and Nikki!!
Seems like you are having a tough weekend, but you are doing things the best you can. You are a great guy Mark.
Thanks Rich!! You’re a great guy too!!