Repeating bad behaviors...
Well, I had a relapse today and feel very bad about it right now. I had done so well with staying away at the beginning, actually for quite a few months at a time. . . Somehow, like I have heard said many times, I convinced myself that I was, in fact, CURED. Guess what - I am not cured and never will be. Right now I feel so ashamed and bad that I never want to see a gambling facility again - EVER. Too dangerous for me and many others... what happened recently is that I've become acquainted with a friend at work who I admire and respect. We have a lot of fun together & I guess we thought we could keep eachother in line and on track; needless to say, that didn't happen!! The thing is that logically, I know what's right and wrong, and how much better my life has been without gambling... I experienced it first hand!! And when I am fully in recovery I love it - I feel soo much better and things just improve all the way around in my life. Why, then, do I insist on going back and throwing myself into the pit again??? I'm just so confused when I think about it - - - I become a different person... the me I am in the casino is NOT the me I really want to be. EAch time it happens to me, I ask myself what is wrong? Why do I do it? I guess it really doesn't matter knowing the whys . . . they don't help me. Now I just feel so sick that I don't know what to do. I should correct that - I know what to do - STOP IT RIGHT NOW - take one day at a time and change the course. I know I can do it since I have before. Everyone here has been so supportive and helpful... Maybe I will even try GA this time again... I hate relapsing and have to start over and over again.. this is about the lowest I've been... at least in a long, long time . . . .Back to Day 1 again tomorrow.
Replies
So glad you came here to journal!!!!
It is so so easy to get that feeling of being CURED. I have been so untroubled lately about gambling, I could very easily fall into the exact same trap. Your journal is a reminder to me that we are never CURED. I can so easily see myself going to a casino and just falling right back into that pit so fast it would make my head swim!!!!
It\'s just one more lesson....one more little bump on the road....
Your months of recovery are still there....you have learned that you are able to NOT gamble for long periods of time....and isn\'t it great that tomorrow is a fresh new day...
Trying GA would be a great idea! Any and all help and support is good at a time like this.
Remember....all of us have probably had to start over again and again...I sure have.
I am thankful that this most unmanageable of things is made manageable with that sentence:
just for today, I will not gamble.
I\'m with you sis!!!!!
Love and Hugs, Dianne
You sound so sad, \"This is the first day of the rest of your life\" don\'t look back just forward. It has taken every one I know several times before they actualy quite, I\'m still new at this, so I struggle some days. I just try and stay possitive. Just remember one day at a time.
Hugs Steph