Remember me? :) It's been a long time since I've journaled
Hi everyone. I know its been a while since I've written a journal, or really been active on DS, so I thought I'd write a journal today so you knew I was still around and still trying to work through my IF battle. I check in from time to time and comment here and there, but mostly I've been on a break. Although I am so happy for my DS sisters good news, it's been so bittersweet for me.
I'm still trying to regroup and regain some perspective and figure things out. I have good days and bad days. My miscarriage last October (tomorrow is 6 months) feels so raw still, and there are days I feel I should be further along this process but I try and remind myself that we all grieve differently, and there are no exact time-tables. As I've said many times, the grief is complicated by the fact we are grieving the loss of ever having a biological child. That for me, is a huge hurdle to overcome. But lately I've been warming up to the idea of adoption, and trying to figure out if financially there's a way we can swing it. It feels good to open my mind to other possibilities.
Lately, its been a bit harder because DH and I aren't on the same page. He is a lot further along in his grief than I am, and although he is supportive and patient, lately I feel the strain of us being in different places.
But DH and I are leaving for our Paris getaway in less than 2 weeks and we are very excited to go on our very deserved getaway. I'm hoping it brings us some much-renewed and restored energy.
It's also been hard because my due date is coming up in May. I logged onto fb a few weeks ago to find out 2 of my "friends" are expecting: one on my due date and one a few days before. I had to block them because seeing pics of their baby showers and bellies are not what I want to see right now.
But then the real gut punch happened to make the grief trifecta.
Last week, we got the call I've been dreading for a very long time now. My new SIL is pregnant. They tried for 3 whole months. Although I'm happy for them, and for a new niece or nephew, my heart aches thinking of another baby in the family. Not to mention we know how hard it is when someone tries all of 5 seconds and gets pregnant, when we struggle so hard to get pregnant. We tried for 3 years, 9 procedures and 1 miscarriage later, and still no baby.
Luckily, my new SIL is sensitive, and when we talked, she mentioned she knew this has to be very difficult for me and she understands I can be both happy and sad at the same time. We had a good, honest conversation and that made me feel good (especially because it restores some faith in humanity and that people can sometimes surprise us when so often I feel disappointed or let down in this journey), but of course it doesn't erase the facts here that she is pregnant and I'm not.
Infertility is such a curse. I miss my old self so much and want her back. I know she is somewhere inside, but so lost and having trouble finding her way out. I know I am making progress, and slowly getting there.
I dream to emerge a stronger, happy person again and to feel like I have conquered IF.
Thinking of you all and sending hugs and love. xo
I'm still trying to regroup and regain some perspective and figure things out. I have good days and bad days. My miscarriage last October (tomorrow is 6 months) feels so raw still, and there are days I feel I should be further along this process but I try and remind myself that we all grieve differently, and there are no exact time-tables. As I've said many times, the grief is complicated by the fact we are grieving the loss of ever having a biological child. That for me, is a huge hurdle to overcome. But lately I've been warming up to the idea of adoption, and trying to figure out if financially there's a way we can swing it. It feels good to open my mind to other possibilities.
Lately, its been a bit harder because DH and I aren't on the same page. He is a lot further along in his grief than I am, and although he is supportive and patient, lately I feel the strain of us being in different places.
But DH and I are leaving for our Paris getaway in less than 2 weeks and we are very excited to go on our very deserved getaway. I'm hoping it brings us some much-renewed and restored energy.
It's also been hard because my due date is coming up in May. I logged onto fb a few weeks ago to find out 2 of my "friends" are expecting: one on my due date and one a few days before. I had to block them because seeing pics of their baby showers and bellies are not what I want to see right now.
But then the real gut punch happened to make the grief trifecta.
Last week, we got the call I've been dreading for a very long time now. My new SIL is pregnant. They tried for 3 whole months. Although I'm happy for them, and for a new niece or nephew, my heart aches thinking of another baby in the family. Not to mention we know how hard it is when someone tries all of 5 seconds and gets pregnant, when we struggle so hard to get pregnant. We tried for 3 years, 9 procedures and 1 miscarriage later, and still no baby.
Luckily, my new SIL is sensitive, and when we talked, she mentioned she knew this has to be very difficult for me and she understands I can be both happy and sad at the same time. We had a good, honest conversation and that made me feel good (especially because it restores some faith in humanity and that people can sometimes surprise us when so often I feel disappointed or let down in this journey), but of course it doesn't erase the facts here that she is pregnant and I'm not.
Infertility is such a curse. I miss my old self so much and want her back. I know she is somewhere inside, but so lost and having trouble finding her way out. I know I am making progress, and slowly getting there.
I dream to emerge a stronger, happy person again and to feel like I have conquered IF.
Thinking of you all and sending hugs and love. xo
Replies
Hey hon glad to hear from you, there is no time limited on how long you should or should not grieve your losses, take all the time you need! I am excited that you are thinking about adoption! Have the most fabulous time in Paris!!! XO