Remember me? :) It's been a long time since I've journaled
Hi everyone. I know its been a while since I've written a journal, or really been active on DS, so I thought I'd write a journal today so you knew I was still around and still trying to work through my IF battle. I check in from time to time and comment here and there, but mostly I've been on a break. Although I am so happy for my DS sisters good news, it's been so bittersweet for me.
I'm still trying to regroup and regain some perspective and figure things out. I have good days and bad days. My miscarriage last October (tomorrow is 6 months) feels so raw still, and there are days I feel I should be further along this process but I try and remind myself that we all grieve differently, and there are no exact time-tables. As I've said many times, the grief is complicated by the fact we are grieving the loss of ever having a biological child. That for me, is a huge hurdle to overcome. But lately I've been warming up to the idea of adoption, and trying to figure out if financially there's a way we can swing it. It feels good to open my mind to other possibilities.
Lately, its been a bit harder because DH and I aren't on the same page. He is a lot further along in his grief than I am, and although he is supportive and patient, lately I feel the strain of us being in different places.
But DH and I are leaving for our Paris getaway in less than 2 weeks and we are very excited to go on our very deserved getaway. I'm hoping it brings us some much-renewed and restored energy.
It's also been hard because my due date is coming up in May. I logged onto fb a few weeks ago to find out 2 of my "friends" are expecting: one on my due date and one a few days before. I had to block them because seeing pics of their baby showers and bellies are not what I want to see right now.
But then the real gut punch happened to make the grief trifecta.
Last week, we got the call I've been dreading for a very long time now. My new SIL is pregnant. They tried for 3 whole months. Although I'm happy for them, and for a new niece or nephew, my heart aches thinking of another baby in the family. Not to mention we know how hard it is when someone tries all of 5 seconds and gets pregnant, when we struggle so hard to get pregnant. We tried for 3 years, 9 procedures and 1 miscarriage later, and still no baby.
Luckily, my new SIL is sensitive, and when we talked, she mentioned she knew this has to be very difficult for me and she understands I can be both happy and sad at the same time. We had a good, honest conversation and that made me feel good (especially because it restores some faith in humanity and that people can sometimes surprise us when so often I feel disappointed or let down in this journey), but of course it doesn't erase the facts here that she is pregnant and I'm not.
Infertility is such a curse. I miss my old self so much and want her back. I know she is somewhere inside, but so lost and having trouble finding her way out. I know I am making progress, and slowly getting there.
I dream to emerge a stronger, happy person again and to feel like I have conquered IF.
Thinking of you all and sending hugs and love. xo
I'm still trying to regroup and regain some perspective and figure things out. I have good days and bad days. My miscarriage last October (tomorrow is 6 months) feels so raw still, and there are days I feel I should be further along this process but I try and remind myself that we all grieve differently, and there are no exact time-tables. As I've said many times, the grief is complicated by the fact we are grieving the loss of ever having a biological child. That for me, is a huge hurdle to overcome. But lately I've been warming up to the idea of adoption, and trying to figure out if financially there's a way we can swing it. It feels good to open my mind to other possibilities.
Lately, its been a bit harder because DH and I aren't on the same page. He is a lot further along in his grief than I am, and although he is supportive and patient, lately I feel the strain of us being in different places.
But DH and I are leaving for our Paris getaway in less than 2 weeks and we are very excited to go on our very deserved getaway. I'm hoping it brings us some much-renewed and restored energy.
It's also been hard because my due date is coming up in May. I logged onto fb a few weeks ago to find out 2 of my "friends" are expecting: one on my due date and one a few days before. I had to block them because seeing pics of their baby showers and bellies are not what I want to see right now.
But then the real gut punch happened to make the grief trifecta.
Last week, we got the call I've been dreading for a very long time now. My new SIL is pregnant. They tried for 3 whole months. Although I'm happy for them, and for a new niece or nephew, my heart aches thinking of another baby in the family. Not to mention we know how hard it is when someone tries all of 5 seconds and gets pregnant, when we struggle so hard to get pregnant. We tried for 3 years, 9 procedures and 1 miscarriage later, and still no baby.
Luckily, my new SIL is sensitive, and when we talked, she mentioned she knew this has to be very difficult for me and she understands I can be both happy and sad at the same time. We had a good, honest conversation and that made me feel good (especially because it restores some faith in humanity and that people can sometimes surprise us when so often I feel disappointed or let down in this journey), but of course it doesn't erase the facts here that she is pregnant and I'm not.
Infertility is such a curse. I miss my old self so much and want her back. I know she is somewhere inside, but so lost and having trouble finding her way out. I know I am making progress, and slowly getting there.
I dream to emerge a stronger, happy person again and to feel like I have conquered IF.
Thinking of you all and sending hugs and love. xo
Replies
Hugging you in my heart and knowing that with time.....as much time as you need...you will emerge from all of this pain to a place of greater peace and a return to YOU :) There are just so many triggers right now and most especially the imminent due date. You are navigating as best you can these troubled waters. And so much of it is unchartered I know it often feels like you\'re being swallowed up. I think it is a huge step that you feel yourself warming up to the idea of adoption. And I hope that Paris is the most beautiful 10 days that you\'ve had in a very very very long time :)
So glad to have an update from you. It sucks that our husbands make it through the grieving process a little faster than we do, but I am glad he is being patient and that you are finding some hope looking into adoption. Take all the time you need to get there 100%. And I promise it does get easier. I found once I made it past my due date and the 1 year mark it was not in my head as much.
I am so excited for your trip to Paris! That will be so much fun. That was out final stop on our honeymoon and I wish we had more time and money to explore before we came home. Have fun!!!
Its good to hear form you and know where you\'re at on your journey. You\'re exactly right, there is not time table of where you should or shouldn\'t be while grieving. Take your time and be gentle with yourself.
I completely understand the \"bitter sweet\" and yes you can be happy for others and still sad for your own current journey. Do whatever you can and need to protect your heart, those of us struggling with IF understand. XOXO
Glad your sil was decent towards you, That will help you along the way. Glad you are also getting away on vacation as you surely need it.
I am very happy to hear from you, an dlike Cali said, to know where you\'re at in your journey. Just know that the only rush to get through this pain is your own. We all want it to stop or slow down, and then beat ourselves up when things are progressing quickly. I too hate that DH\'s tend to process differently and often more efficiently. It makes me smile that you\'re starting to warm up to the idea of adoption, and I hope whatever avenue you take goes smoothly and ends happily for you!
I\'ve been thinking about you lately. It\'s good to hear how you\'re doing. My 6 month mark was last week. It seems like it comes in waves. The best thing I\'ve done is start grief counseling. It has helped so much to have someone tell me what I\'m feeling is normal and that I shouldn\'t expect everything to be ok. Because it\'s not. I will never be the same person again. I will always carry the scars. I am finding that as I learn to accept this truth, I am slowly doing better.
I\'m glad that you are getting away and going on such an exciting trip. I think getting away can be so healing. Just taking a break from the reality of life.
I\'m also glad you are getting more comfortable with looking at other ways to find your baby. I know there are tons of grants and financial help.
Praying you will continue to heal.
You are so funny, we could never forget you. I\'m sorry it\'s been so hard but I can understand why. I really don\'t think your process has been that long. I still grieve all my mcs even with my current pregnancy. knowing that you had to putan end to TTC a bio child makes it such a hard situation. Give yourself the right to grieve and be mad.
I remember when you first mentioned your SIL and I\'m at least glad she is being sensitive since your predictions were right.
I really hope your trip lets you and DH have fun and can help you get on the same page.
Sending some great big hugs your way.
xoxo
So Sorry you are going through all of this. Thank goodness for your understanding SIL. I hope that your trip is enjoyable for you 2 to regroup. Sending {{{{{HUGZ}}}}}
It\'s so good to hear from you. Don\'t feel bad for where you are in your grieving process. You\'ve been through so much. And guys always seem to move on or grieve faster. It was your body that carried that little baby and you of course are feeling the loss the most. I\'m so glad you are considering adoption. Are you friends with Debbie on here? Her name on here is DC something. She isn\'t on DS much but I am her FB friend. She\'s in NYC and and had a miracle adoption. I dont think she used an agency. I could put you in touch with her. I\'m so happy you have that trip coming up. Should be great for you and your DH. I think of you often. Xoxo
You will find yourself again friend. *HUG!!! Everyone is designed differently but it\'s great that your hubby is understanding and patient with you. I am so excited for you that you get to go to Paris! Apparently Paris in the spring time is something to truly behold:0) Please post pics when you get back! Have a gorgeous cup of tea or espresso for me outside a cafe in the sunshine and watch the world go by dressed well.
*HUG!!
It\'s great to hear an update from you. I\'m excited that you have a fab trip coming up, and especially that your SIL is sensitive. That\'s so rare. Can\'t wait for your next journal :)
So glad you are doing ok, you will recover from this and be yourself again, just a stronger wiser one, you will always feel this loss no doubt but with less pain. It is very hard to see those around you get what you want with so little effort but I guess we are all on different roads. I sometimes think that we can gain something from out journeys and have to tell myself this quite often.
Have an awesome trip, look forward to hearing all about it.
Welcome back lady! It\'s great to hear from you again and that you are getting stronger and stronger everyday. Congrats to you and DH for being able to take a trip so such a romantic place, I\'m sure that\'s probably just what ya\'ll need to reconnect. I think men just process things differently and they don\'t get the emotional turmoil that we feel along with our body. I hope that you two are on the same page soon and I think adoption is wonderful! I hope you get the happiness that you deserve and you know we are here for you every step of the way. No one who hasn\'t been through IF knows how much it can change you as a person, but you have sisters here!
Sorry to hear your pain is still so raw. Everyone does heal differently and there is nothing wrong with how you feel. I\'m glad your SIL was kind with her news and understanding. I hope you have a great trip!
So glad to hear from you. I am sorry that the pain is still so very real to you. Please take the time to take care of you! Everyone feels/deals with things differently. Time tends to form scabs over hurts, no necesarily heal them.