REMEMBER

I am seeing a trend, in the postings. I am right there, I have some time GF, and each day is getting a bit better. But, I too have had urges lately, I haven't acted on them, and I immediately shake my head, kind of like a puppy after a bath, I shake my head.... I instantly remind myself of the last time I went to the casino, how I felt for days after I got back, actually, it happened countless times during my gambling, too many to count. I remember the wreckage, the emotional toll it took on my family, friends, and me. The financial toll I'm still paying for, but its getting better. All that money, for all those years is GONE. It was thousands and thousands of dollars. The waking up after being gone for days, with tears streaming down my face, my body, physically shot, physically ill. Crawling out of bed, with swollen eyes, dry heaving from feeling sick to my stomach because I had been drinking red bulls for days, no food, no sleep, and wrecking my body. Having to face my family, having to even face my dogs, that I had neglected for days. Having to shower, and cry in the shower from pure disgust. Finally, opening my bank account to see the pages of withdrawals, and the devastation I had done to my finances, having to rob Paul to pay Peter, to make it through my financial heartache. Then, after sometime, I would heal, and go right back out again, over and over again, that happened. Until I think it finally stuck. I would think when I would go back, that I would win a big pot, and take it home. There were times I did, but 99% of the time, I didn't, either way, it wouldn't matter. It was not about the money, it was feeding my addiction. My self sabotaging, my less than loving self, felt I needed to feed my addiction. To run, to be around others that would sit at a poker table, and be entertained???? what the hell? Do I have urges....? YES, I would be telling a lie if I said I didn't. I do. But, I want a better life, I don't want to live like that anymore, I don't want to hurt my family, friends, dogs, etc. I don't want to hurt myself anymore. In order to do that, I have to be honest, I have to be true, I have to remember! I remember. So, urges, I know I will get them. That is part of the addiction. It is, but, in order for me to stay GF, I have to work a program, I have to reach out, I have to get on my knees, I have to take care of myself, recognize the addiction for what it is, FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Do the day my sweet warriors, and when you have the urge, remember where you come from. Hugs.